SparkNotes

You're late. And you don't have the assignment. Who knows why? Maybe you didn't want to get out of bed. Maybe you were too busy to find out the answer to x=n4 because you were at the New Moon premier, shaking with an intense excitement. Maybe your group project partner has the worst four-day-old-Chinese-food-smelling B.O. in the history of humans and you just couldn't work with her for one more second. For whatever reason, you're screwed.

But don't worry. We have three foolproof ways you can save your butt:

The Anti-Fun Brigade is coming, and they want your gibberish.

In Boston, a high school principal has threatened students with suspension if they say a certain word, a shocking word, a word so dangerous that we are not sure we can even permit it to escape the pristine pucker of our youthful lips!

But here at SparkNotes, we believe in FREEDOM, so we're going to sack up and say it. The word is...

(looks around nervously...)

Much to the confusion of every debater's uncles and grandparents, the word "forensics" means both "Legal/Investigative Sciences" and "Speech and Debate." This post is about the latter activity. If you hate public speaking but like dead bodies, then, uh, you should probably get that checked out, and also you're looking for the other forensics.

Even if the very thought of speaking in public makes you whimper a little, you can still get involved. You just need to pick the event that sounds the most fun and show up a few times; colleges everywhere will think: "Hmm, better not try any funny business with her. She's done forensics."

What are the events to choose from? Glad you asked:

Every school has the same, distinct odor. It doesn't matter if you attend a private high school in Wyoming, or a public middle school in Florida. They all smell alike. And within the school, each classroom has a special fragrance that all students will find familiar. Don't believe us? Calling us liars? Reading this with your arms crossed and a doubtful, cocky expression on your face? Well, try this on for size. Without even taking one step inside your high school, we can predict the aroma that is penetrating your senses. Behold!

Sparkler tawly31 and her friend Lior wrote this rap about thermochemistry. tawly31's (aka Danitte's) lines are in blue, and Lior's are in green. Enjoy! —SparkNotes editors

Glossary

Mrs. Silverberg - my chemistry teacher
FST - Final Summative Task (equivalent of an exam)

Danitte and Lior’s (Thermo)Dynamic Rap

Hey yo, Mrs. Silverberg,
I say it's gonna be ma year.
We be takin' semestered math,
and tutorin' our peers.
Listen up—it's grade 12.
We gonna do it right:
We gonna study in the day,
and a lil' sleep in the night.
Some night in October,
it's 11:03,
Lior calls me up at home
he say what bout chemistry?

I've read or heard (or dreamed) that teenagers actually need more sleep than infants. It's hard to say if that's true—I don't remember much about being an infant, probably because I was asleep—but I do know that the high school schedule does NOT allow teens to catch many Z's. It's a hazard to your health, if you think about it.

The problem is, even if you're super tired, you never want to waste your precious free-time by going to bed early. So logically, if high school is what prevents you from being fully rested, then your administration owes you a few freebie naps every now and then. If not every day. Since this is school-mandated nap time is unlikely to happen, we've decided to create a quick sleepers guide to your classes, so that you can determine your best dozing opportunities. Sweet dreams!

Some of you already know about the senior project with which you'll eventually have to justify your entire existence (well, your high school existence, anyway).

Others are all "Senior whatjects? SparkNotes, you are so confusing!"

But no, we're not. It's just that only some students are required to do these choose-your-own-adventure independent projects.

"Follow-up question, SparkNotes," you may add. "Do you have a helpful map to illustrate who must complete these dreaded senior projects?"

Of course we do, and here it is.

Senior projects are a lot of work, and are a big deal, but they are also more manageable than they might seem. Most likely, you'll have to do the following four things to complete your senior project:

Bathroom graffiti is a part of high school life, no matter what kind of school you go to. But you know you’re going to a really good school if the bathroom graffiti looks like this:

I (heart) Romeo Montague!

Geometry is for squares.

I bench 100 pounds—of European History textbooks!

Sparkler xXx_lola_xXx is our very own Princess of Perpetual Boredom. But she's always coming up with new ways to fight those dull days of high school, and we have to give her snaps for that! —SparkNotes editors

How do we stay awake in class while the teacher keeps droning on about, I don't know, The French Revolution, or the composition of cat hair? I have come up with ways to keep you from getting sent to the office for disrupting class with your snoring, which, no matter how much you protest, was louder than the teacher's voice.

Sparkler africanstardust goes to school online, and this post makes us wonder if there are more of you out there. Online student Sparklers, unite! —SparkNotes editors

Internet schooling and home schooling are two totally different things. Home schooling usually involves your parents/guardians/friend’s parents teaching you, helping you with your homework, and hopefully making you coffee when the 3 p.m. zombie stage kicks in. But internet schooling is something like this: