Dating is hard, what with the necessity of making conversation. While we can’t tell you what you should say on a date (possessing and distributing such knowledge is highly illegal), we can give you some pointers as to what you should avoid. Read on, Casanova, and prepare to become the smoothest cat on the block.

Do not say:

1. “You don’t mind if I put my parents on speakerphone, do you? Here, say 'hi' to my dad.”
2. “Wait, so you don’t Elephantitis? Really? I could’ve sworn…”

Yes, Sparklers, today is the day you have all been waiting for. After countless countdowns, plot-spoiling blog posts, and rumors about on-set love affairs, the cinematic event of the 21st century is finally upon us: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans comes out today!!!! I’ve been camping in this line outside the movie theater for 12 days now, and I can’t wait to slide my aching body into a velvet seat and let my sore eyeballs be caressed by the handsome visage of Nicolas Cage, that dreamboat hunkadoodle who plays an unhinged, drug-addled cop struggling to stay sane while investigating a murder in the Big Easy. I heard he looks super cute in all the scenes! Especially the one where he's hallucinating about the iguanas! Anyway, it looks like they're starting to let people into the theater, so I have to fold up my lawn chair and gather my socks and move on out. And since I was chilling outside a theater for almost two weeks, I had the chance to tackle a few more Chris Listens questions. Thanks for all your great submissions! Now bring me some Nic Cage!

Sparkler raj101 proves it's possible to say "no" with a sense of humor, and we are so very into that. —SparkNotes editors

Most of you have had this awkward moment (speaking mainly to the ladies here): You're in a movie theater, and that not-so-adorable guy you hardly know starts putting his grimy hands places you'd rather they not be.

Sure, some girls are into this, but some girls are also into hard drugs and Miley Cyrus. If a guy is making you feel uncomfortable, there's no need to stifle your urge to tell him to get his dirty paws off of you. Here are some creative (and effective) ways to do so:

1. Drool. Creatively position your mouth so that the drool drips directly on his hand.

You guys always leave great comments, and last week was no exception. Coffinmaker wrote: “Good advice, Auntie Sparknotes, but now I'm curious about YOUR internet history.”

Well, that's a kind of personal question...but okay, I'll bite. I am opening my browser, I am clicking on history, and I am pleased to inform you that my last google search was for...

winston churchill darth vader

It's probably best not to ask why.

And now, this week's letter:

You may remember a series we published a few weeks back called Unrequited Love is Awesome, in which we pummeled you with advice on how to win the gooey heart of your crush, ooze sex appeal while surrounded by meatloaf, and become the least-respected congressman in your state. Now that you know how to woo the apple of your eye, it’s time to talk about the reverse scenario: what to do when someone has an unreciprocated crush on YOU.

Today is the Friday the 13th. If you're superstitious, you should probably stay away from ladders, black cats, mirrors, and goalie masks. Unless you’re playing hockey, of course, in which case maybe you should go with the mask. Otherwise you might get a puck to the eye socket and the Friday the 13th curse would become all too real.

Speaking of things getting too real (killer segue, right?), when life gets too real for me, I like to take a step back and breathe for a second. Sometimes I even take off my goalie mask and think, "Wow, I can see a lot better without this thing on my face." Then I put it back on and step forward, back into the madness of existence. If you're ever feeling overwhelmed, don't be afraid to do take a step back. And not just on mysterious quasi-holidays, either. This technique should work just as well on Wednesday the 25th or Tuesday the 1st. Now, on to your fantastically real questions:

For as long as we've been good enough with language to make poetry out of it, we've been using that poetry to hit on each other. For every landmark work about wars and tragedy, there's one about pretty ladies. And often the ones about wars and tragedies are inspired by pretty ladies. Poets can't help it; they're born with some Romance Gene, and they inevitably wind up writing about how in love they are, no matter how strangely they may do so.

As you know, I'm a big fan of communicating (and its second cousin, venting). Expressing yourself is good for your mental health, and, in my experience, people like to know how other people feel about things. It's a win-win. The problem is, it's easy to write about communication on the internet, but hard to do in actual real-life reality. So this week, I want everyone to practice. If you think your friend is buggin' out, go and tell him, and ask what you can do to help. If you want to ask out your crush, take a deep breath and do it. And if you want to get out of a tough situation, express your feelings to someone you can trust. She might not have the answer, but you might not need an answer—you might just need a little support.

And now, on to your questions:

GeekGoesGlam is a self-help guru-in-training. We have a feeling she'll have her own book series, podcasts, and talk show in 10 years! —SparkNotes editors

There is this one person and s/he is your life. You think about this person constantly. You doodle her name in the margins of your notebooks and all over the back of your calculator. You love being with her—and then, suddenly, it's over.

When you break up, your feelings for the other person, and the good things you see in him, don't go away instantly. But by following my five step plan, CAOGI (no, it does not mean Can Any Other Guy/Girl Interest Me?), you will be over the ex fast, no matter how hot s/he is. Before you hit the rocky road ice cream, try this:

Last week, after revealing a few (some might say scant) details about myself and how I obtained this listenership, I was accused of being “vague,” “a tad vague,” and also “a bit vague.” Well, you already know my real name and what I look like when posed against various geographic backdrops—New York, Vermont, North Carolina. But charred_rose11 does get it (mostly) right: SparkNotes wanted someone to write an advice column, and I wanted to give advice. Is there more I could divulge? Sure. Would it be interesting? Perhaps, except for the complete lack of sordid details. Let’s just leave it at this: While I might be vague about myself, I am very specific about you and the answers to your questions. And what excellent questions we have this week. Let’s get to them!

Is there any way you can convince me that some guys really like you not for the way you look? And while I'm asking, just how important is it for a guy to be taller than you?