horoscopes

February Horoscopes

32

By: Jon_Skindzier

Remember that a crisis sometimes turns out to be an opportunity, while opportunistic bees often turn out to be a crisis. A romance will move you in a new direction this month, which is peculiar, because we thought we had figured out pretty much all of the directions already. Save your pennies, because when the moon aliens invade, we'll need them; you'll know why when it happens. Your bizarre February holiday is Toothache Day. More→

January Horoscopes

60

By: Dan_Bergstein

It’s a new year. It’s a leap year. So watch out! To learn what happens in the next twelve months, read your super special horoscope ...

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December Horoscopes—Super Slideshow Edition!

83

By: Dan_Bergstein

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The month is long and full of joy
But do not talk to the well-dressed boy.
Be wary of sticks and presents that glow.
And whatever you do, don’t eat lavender snow.
Money is yours, if you wear the right shoes.
There is love to be found, right near the moose.
In three days you will meet, by the unopened door,
A tall former friend, who is looking to score.
Be kind to pets and to moms who are sleeping.
Your lucky presents this month are ten lords a-leaping.
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November Horoscopes

67

By: Dan_Bergstein

Let’s admit that November is really just Pre-December. But will this month of food and foliage be warm and cozy, or rainy and cold? And ...

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October Horoscopes

53

By: Dan_Bergstein

What evil awaits you during the month of fear and candy? Will this October be a time of tricks or a time of treats? Or ...

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September Horoscopes

77

By: Dan_Bergstein

What does the ninth month of year have in store for you? There are only two ways to find out: Read our horoscopes below, or ...

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July Horoscopes

89

By: Dan_Bergstein

Why are you wearing pants? There is no reason to wear pants in July unless you’re 80, and then you should always wear pants because ...

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June Horoscopes

61

By: Dan_Bergstein

The smell of sunscreen and the sight of chubby men mowing the lawn sans shirt can mean only two things: You’re having that dream again, ...

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May Horoscopes

35

By: Dan_Bergstein

May is a time of fresh air, flowers, and happy fluffy clouds. It could also be a time of sneezing so hard that your eyes ...

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April Horoscopes

42

By: Dan_Bergstein

April showers bring May flowers, and worms, and mud. Will this month be one of love and adventure, or will you spend the next four ...

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