Yes, Sparklers, today is the day you have all been waiting for. After countless countdowns, plot-spoiling blog posts, and rumors about on-set love affairs, the cinematic event of the 21st century is finally upon us: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans comes out today!!!! I’ve been camping in this line outside the movie theater for 12 days now, and I can’t wait to slide my aching body into a velvet seat and let my sore eyeballs be caressed by the handsome visage of Nicolas Cage, that dreamboat hunkadoodle who plays an unhinged, drug-addled cop struggling to stay sane while investigating a murder in the Big Easy. I heard he looks super cute in all the scenes! Especially the one where he's hallucinating about the iguanas! Anyway, it looks like they're starting to let people into the theater, so I have to fold up my lawn chair and gather my socks and move on out. And since I was chilling outside a theater for almost two weeks, I had the chance to tackle a few more Chris Listens questions. Thanks for all your great submissions! Now bring me some Nic Cage!

You may remember a series we published a few weeks back called Unrequited Love is Awesome, in which we pummeled you with advice on how to win the gooey heart of your crush, ooze sex appeal while surrounded by meatloaf, and become the least-respected congressman in your state. Now that you know how to woo the apple of your eye, it’s time to talk about the reverse scenario: what to do when someone has an unreciprocated crush on YOU.

Last week a very clever Sparkler used this column as a platform on which to express his or her affection for yours truly. But anonymous crushes are one of the things that make the internet great, right? Or maybe they make the internet horrifying? Either way, thanks to all those who leapt to the defense of brown-eyed, glasses-wearing nerds. Lately I’ve received a lot of emails from people who are feeling down and out and/or disrespected, and it bums me out. I know evolutionary theory dictates that we prey on the weak and only the strong survive and all that, but I just wanted to make a quick appeal: If you know someone who doesn’t quite fit in or who is feeling lonely or depressed, do something about it. Make an effort to say hello and/or include them in what you’re doing. High school isn’t easy for anyone and we all have to do our best to endure it while our hormones go crazy and we face psychotic teachers, out-of-touch parents, relationships run amok, and the relentless pressure to succeed. So whenever/wherever possible, be kind to each other. OK. Speech done. Thanks for listening. Now: questions!

As you know, I'm a big fan of communicating (and its second cousin, venting). Expressing yourself is good for your mental health, and, in my experience, people like to know how other people feel about things. It's a win-win. The problem is, it's easy to write about communication on the internet, but hard to do in actual real-life reality. So this week, I want everyone to practice. If you think your friend is buggin' out, go and tell him, and ask what you can do to help. If you want to ask out your crush, take a deep breath and do it. And if you want to get out of a tough situation, express your feelings to someone you can trust. She might not have the answer, but you might not need an answer—you might just need a little support.

And now, on to your questions:

Last week, after revealing a few (some might say scant) details about myself and how I obtained this listenership, I was accused of being “vague,” “a tad vague,” and also “a bit vague.” Well, you already know my real name and what I look like when posed against various geographic backdrops—New York, Vermont, North Carolina. But charred_rose11 does get it (mostly) right: SparkNotes wanted someone to write an advice column, and I wanted to give advice. Is there more I could divulge? Sure. Would it be interesting? Perhaps, except for the complete lack of sordid details. Let’s just leave it at this: While I might be vague about myself, I am very specific about you and the answers to your questions. And what excellent questions we have this week. Let’s get to them!

Is there any way you can convince me that some guys really like you not for the way you look? And while I'm asking, just how important is it for a guy to be taller than you?