Where would the internet be without cats? No, we're not talking about the long-running Broadway musical. We're talking about the adorable little creatures whose online antics keep us endlessly entertained. One website wants to find out. For some inexplicable reason, Urlesque has declared 09-09-09 A DAY WITHOUT CATS!

What?!? No Lolcats? No Keyboard Cat? No Ninja Cat? How are we going to maintain sanity? How will we keep ourselves occupied when we're supposed to be doing productive things, like homework?

Fear not! Behind every dark cloud is a silver lining. Today's cat-lessness gives us a golden opportunity to explore new ways to satisfy our cute cravings. We've searched high and low, in every corner of the vast webernet, to bring you these cute-petitors:

Along with good vs. evil, hot vs. cold, and Harry Potter vs. Twilight, cat people vs. dog people is one of the most basic of rivalries. Cat people like to point out that their feline friends bathe themselves, never make too much noise, and can curl up comfortably on your lap. Dog people argue that their canine pals are more fun, will learn tricks, and can be used to hunt foxes.

But cat AND dog people overlook the hundreds of other great pets out there, plenty of whom are just as cuddly as kittens and as lovable as dogs. For all of our animal loving Sparklers out there, we suggest the following:

More >>

Just in time for the final days of our SparkNotes Harry Potter extravaganza, we heard from an advice-seeker with a really complicated problem. Strange how this all sounds so familiar... if only I could think where I'd heard it before! Huh, oh well...

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
I left school a few years ago, and ever since, I’ve been having a really hard time. All I’ve ever wanted is to be really powerful and important, but every time I try to reach my goal, something awful happens! It started when I was in high school—I was a really good student and I thought I could achieve great things, but then I made some really bad mistakes…and there was this, uh, unfortunate incident in a girls’ bathroom, and the next thing I knew, people were talking about closing the whole entire school just ‘cause of one lousy little accidental death! And they wouldn’t let me come back and work at the school after I graduated, even though they totally never proved anything. BLERGH.

Last week my mom called me and started talking in that dreaded voice. It was uncomfortable, halting, distracted...the “someone just passed away” voice. That someone was the family cat, Chester.

I'd known Chester since he was a fluffy, fits-in-the-palm-of-your-hand kitty. So to hear he was dead was unbelievable. My mind said, “You mean when I come home he won’t be there to see me? Riiiiight. He’s been slinking around our house for fifteen years, and now he’s just not there? I don’t believe you!”

Recently the Interweb solved one of humanity’s oldest problems: How do you recover after saying or doing something stupid? For centuries, people have struggled with this—do you laugh it off? Do you blush and run away? Do you shrug it off like a cool mamajama but then cry like a baby in the bathroom stall?

Well, worry no more. Some genius realized the best follow-up to a moment of stupidity, physical misfortune or any type of awkward situation is to cut to a shot of a very happy cat playing a keyboard. Yes, I’ll say it again: A keyboarding-playing cat. In a blue jumpsuit, no less.