Yes, Sparklers, today is the day you have all been waiting for. After countless countdowns, plot-spoiling blog posts, and rumors about on-set love affairs, the cinematic event of the 21st century is finally upon us: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans comes out today!!!! I’ve been camping in this line outside the movie theater for 12 days now, and I can’t wait to slide my aching body into a velvet seat and let my sore eyeballs be caressed by the handsome visage of Nicolas Cage, that dreamboat hunkadoodle who plays an unhinged, drug-addled cop struggling to stay sane while investigating a murder in the Big Easy. I heard he looks super cute in all the scenes! Especially the one where he's hallucinating about the iguanas! Anyway, it looks like they're starting to let people into the theater, so I have to fold up my lawn chair and gather my socks and move on out. And since I was chilling outside a theater for almost two weeks, I had the chance to tackle a few more Chris Listens questions. Thanks for all your great submissions! Now bring me some Nic Cage!

Today is the Friday the 13th. If you're superstitious, you should probably stay away from ladders, black cats, mirrors, and goalie masks. Unless you’re playing hockey, of course, in which case maybe you should go with the mask. Otherwise you might get a puck to the eye socket and the Friday the 13th curse would become all too real.

Speaking of things getting too real (killer segue, right?), when life gets too real for me, I like to take a step back and breathe for a second. Sometimes I even take off my goalie mask and think, "Wow, I can see a lot better without this thing on my face." Then I put it back on and step forward, back into the madness of existence. If you're ever feeling overwhelmed, don't be afraid to do take a step back. And not just on mysterious quasi-holidays, either. This technique should work just as well on Wednesday the 25th or Tuesday the 1st. Now, on to your fantastically real questions:

Take a quick skim through any fashion magazine and your worst suspicions will be confirmed: they (the magazines, the media, the world at large) want girls to be stick figures.

Now, this is not a new revelation. But recently, things have gone completely cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs crazy. First, fancy schmancy shoe designer Christian Louboutin was presented with the opportunity to redesign Barbie, and instead of making the obvious improvements—more diverse and unique facial features, arms and legs with joints, the ability to come down off her tippy-toes—he went straight for Barbie's chubby ankles. That's right, the 2 or 3 millimeters of ankle was just too big for Mr. Flashy Red Soles, so he slimmed down her beastly tree trunks.

This latest instance of out-of-control weight watching would be laughable, if it didn't come on the heels (no pun intended) of this...

Yeah, that's supposed to be a real person. Notice how her head is wider than her hips. Please wait a moment while we choke on our soda.  This is too ridiculous!

Hello again. Those who keep track of this sort of thing might have noticed that for the last week or so, the standard Chris Listens posts have given way to my guide to falling for your BFF. And while I've enjoyed delving into that tangled web of love, I feel bad about not getting to your other questions. So this week I’m taking extra care with your queries. None of my answers amount to “Go eat this amazing sandwich, I promise you’ll feel better.” Well, maybe one of them does. But that’s why you read this column, right? Here we go!

We here at Sparknotes love summer. Love it! It's like the whole world's turned into a delightful glass of lemonade. And summer, of course, means we're finally able to spend copious amounts of time in the beautiful outdoors again. Summer is, no duh, h-o-t-t hot so everyone's wardrobe is abbreviated. And if you're at the beach, it will be even skimpier, inevitably magnifying all your body hang-ups: Ugh, my arms! Ugh, my legs! Ugh, my pallor!

I've never been an outdoorsy type gal. I'm pale and I burn like a piece of toast if I venture into the sun. So whenever we had P.E. at the pool during the last few weeks of school, needless to say, I was none too thrilled.

According to Change.org, America is in the grip of a terrifying health crisis: bikini body disorder. Change.org is all annoyed with Valerie Bertinelli for spreading the disease by worrying aloud about her jiggly parts, telling People magazine about her self-loathing fear of jalapeno poppers, and reducing her caloric intake to levels suitable for rabbits and toddlers in order to whip her body into bikini shape.

Anorexia and bulimia are serious illnesses. Bikini body disorder is not.

But if Change.org is going to whip itself into a lather over a fake problem, we want to get in on the action! Here's our list of shocking media and celebrity-inspired disorders: