Chapter Three: Motives
Better Title: Jacob Black's Guide To Gettin' It Done

Jacob "The Thunder" Black rides again! And when he makes his triumphant return, not only does he mock Edward, but he parks his motorcycle on the school's sidewalk. Why? Because this warrior plays by his own rules, makes his own roads, and answers to no one. He is….Mr. Black. [Cue the howling of a wolf on a still winter's night.]

But before Jacob tells it like it is, I have two questions. First, how do Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme pass the time during the day? Do they simply wait around for Edward to have a problem?

Yesterday afternoon and evening, many of you flicked on your computers and chatted with the hilarious Dan Bergstein. But we realize some of you don't have a Facebook account, and others across the world had to do really silly things like sleep and go to school. Alas, not everyone got to chat with Dan, so we decided to take Sparkler synchrogirl117's suggestion and give you some highlights. (If you'd like to read through the entire event, click here.)

We'd also like to thank everyone who participated. The first Dan Bergstein chat was a major success! In fact, we'd love to post the entire, 6 hour-long convo on SparkLife, but with more than 1050 posts, it would be so long that your computer would probably blow up. So here goes: The Best of Bergstein...

Hi everyone!
Welcome to the Facebook Chat. Is anyone else really nervous? No? Just me then.
Feel free to ask me questions about anything, and I'll try to answer you as fast as possible. (Please don't hate me for grammar mistakes and the many, many typos.)
Questions about religion and politics will get short, uninteresting answer because I don't want this to turn into a debate.
Question about my love life will get even shorter, less interesting answers, because I have a girlfriend and would still like to have a girlfriend tomorrow.
Let's do this! [CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER IN LOUD OBNOXIOUS MANNER]

Dan's Twilight posts are collected on a handy-dandy index page.

Chapter Two: Evasion
Better Title: Edward Cullen's Guide to Controlling Your Woman

This is a joke, right? Edward must be kidding around. He's not honestly acting like an abusive boyfriend, is he? Chapter Three better begin with:

Edward screamed, "Gotcha! I was just messing around. Want to go to a movie? Or should we just hang out here and I'll breathe directly into your nose so you can smell my amazing mouth odor?"

I'm getting ahead of myself, but by chapter's end, if any young woman still thinks Edward Cullen is the bee's knees, then I feel very sorry for that young woman. It's shocking how awfully Edward treats Bella. And Bella's reaction is just as horrible. These two idiots deserve each other, and I'm glad that Jacob didn't end up with Bella. Besides, Jacob Black needs no woman. The earth is his mistress. The sky is his bride. He is…Mr. Black [cue thunderclap] (I could write Jacob intros all day!)

This is just a friendly reminder that...

Holyyyyyyy-Z-O-M-friggin-G the Dan Bergstein Facebook chat is Thursday, Nov. 12 from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. EST, which is so so so very close to right now.

Have you:

Found out what time zone you're in?
RSVP'd on Facebook?
Thought of amazing questions for Dan?
Learned to take screenshots of your name right next to Dan's unedited, off-the-cuff responses, so you can make a desktop background/t-shirt/plaque/bowling ball/birthday cake for your momma out of every sentence he types?
Found a nice man with a dirty van to kidnap your younger siblings so they don't bug you while you're chatting with Dan?
Told someone you love them today? (For good karma.)

Yes?! Fantastic! All you need to do is click on our Facebook discussion tomorrow anytime between 3 and 9 to participate.

Got questions? We got answers. Leave your Qs about the Dan B. Facebook chat in the comments, and we (your devoted eds) will respond!

We're halfway there!

For those just joining the fun, I'm reading the Twilight series for the first time, and writing about the experience on a chapter by chapter basis. Blogging Twilight and Blogging New Moon posts are collected here.

For this book, I'll be keeping a running tally of the number of times the author uses the words "glower" and "murmur."

Preface
Poor Bella Swan is once again in great peril, but luckily her "protector" is there to keep her safe in this flash-forward that is similar to the previous novels. I'll assume her protector is Edward, but I'm hoping that it's Emmett, Jacob, or a recently zombie-fied Harry Clearwater. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that Bella has not been transformed into a vampire yet, because why else would she act so weak? Of course, since becoming a vampire amplifies certain aspects of your personality, perhaps when she was transformed, her powers of weakness were boosted to the point where she cannot even yawn without breaking a rib. This section ends with, "Somewhere, far, far away in the cold forest, a wolf howled." Is there a chance that this book might be 100% awesome?

Sparklers, we're super thrilled to announce that Dan Bergstein is going to do a six-hour interview with...

YOU.

This is Dan's final post on New Moon. It went by so fast, didn't it? Before he gathers his courage and dives into the next book, he's going to do a live chat on Facebook! Details will be announced soon; start making a list of all the questions you've ever wanted to ask him.

p.s. Happy birthday, Eliza!

—SparkNotes editors

Epilogue: Treaty
Better Title: Let's Get Ready to (not) Rumble!

Yeah, Bella! That's what you get for treating Jacob like an old shoe! That's what you get for lying to your dad! Go home and cry about it to your chilly, boring boyfriend! And enjoy eating spaghetti indoors, you humorless grump! Jacob "The Thunder" Black doesn't need you anymore! Boo-ya!

Chapter Twenty-Four: Vote
Better Title: Some Junk Happens and Edward Says Things. Bella Says Things Too.

Would you like to know a secret? Edward and Bella are in love! Shocking, right? Who would have thought that these two would ever…Wait a moment. That's not secret at all! We knew that from the first book. So why does this chapter treat the news about their love as if it's some huge revelation? Next, Bella will stun the world with reports that Charlie enjoys fishing.

Chapter Twenty-Three: The Truth
Better Title: The Glower Hour

Can someone explain this chapter to me? I understand what happens in the story, but the conversations between Bella and Edward are written in a code that I'm not able to crack. (So far, I've established it's not written in English or semaphore. And holding the book up to a mirror revealed nothing.) Perhaps the author just plucked random bits of dialogue from soap operas and made-for-TV movies, mixed them all up, and threw them into this chapter randomly.

Sparkler peaceonearth34 is at it again, this time with a post inspired by flu season and a certain Twilight blogger who would have zillions of magical powers if he were a fictional hero... Enjoy! —SparkNotes Editors

Ugh, I don't feel so well.

It seems everyone is getting sick nowadays, from teachers to pre-schoolers. So we all might as well have fun with it, right? I've written a guide, inspired by Lan Lergstein, to the magical powers your ailment may confer on you.