Computers are unique in the entire history of inventions, in that each and every one of them is both a miracle of productivity and a crafty disaster that wants you to fail all your classes. Whether it drives you moderately insane with its many enticing lolcats or simply decides to melt instead of turning on, your computer is not to be trusted. Other inventions—the cotton gin, for example—have far fewer uses, but they also just sits there looking old-timey instead of betraying you at the worst possible moment.

There are just a few weeks left until the premier of New Moon, and all over the country, advertising executives are sitting in offices, racking their brains over the whole “Twilight” phenomenon.

Ad Exec #1: Hey, I hear that kids these days are really into sparkly vampires.
Ad Exec #2: Sparkly what? Albert, are you drunk again?
Ad Exec #1: No, I'm dead serious! Sparkly vampires, Bob! Apparently the entire thing is just an extended metaphor for teen abstinence, but they freakin' love it.
Ad Exec #2: Really? Let's look it up on the Google.
(pause)
Ad Exec #2: Sweet peacocks! You're right! We'd better take this love of sparkly vampires and create an ad campaign around it, immediately!
Ad Exec #1: Yes! YES! But... for what product?
Ad Exec #2: All of them, Albert. ALL OF THEM.