Greetings, fellow Sparklers and Manklers alike! As a relatively new member of the SL community compared to some members but still a veteran to pretty much know the comings and goings, I couldn't help but notice that there were many, many posts defending positions of abstinence and other more traditionally 'conservative' positions. And that's perfectly okay. I have many friends who choose to abstain from sex and it's perfectly fine with me. However, I have noticed an increasing amount of commenters who have becoming increasingly hostile towards those who choose to engage in sexual activities outside of marriage, and to me, this is not okay.
I'm sure that this atmosphere of acceptance is already pretty prevalent throughout SL, and I don't need to lecture everyone on how it's wrong to judge and criticize other people's sexual activities, but in my time here, I have never actually seen a post explaining exactly why someone chose not to remain abstinent, only arguing why the reasons that you SHOULD remain abstinent do not apply to everyone. And so, at the risk of sounding....well....scandalous (although after my post about 50 Shades of Grey....), here are my top reasons why I choose not to be abstinent.
[EDIT: Wow my posts tend to run on the long side don't they? Apologies in advance. >.>]
1.) Being Abstinent Made Me Unhappy
Ever since I was hit with the first inkling of hormones, I've had an abnormally high sex drive. Yes, I was raised in a 'good' traditional Christian home, and yet even when I didn't know what sex was, the human body and its interactions fascinated me.
As I grew older, I was conflicted with this idea that 'sex is special and you should save it for only the one you marry' and what I really wanted. In the back of my mind, I had no doubts that I wanted to be sexually active, but I was held back by my religion wanting me to be 'pure', where sex was a 'dirty' act outside of marriage.
In all truthfulness, it made me incredibly unhappy. I was attracted to guys who wanted to have sex, and on the inside, I wanted to too. We would date, hit a roadblock when we approached the topic of sex, and when asked why I didn't want to, I would mumble out the generic 'I'm saving myself' or 'I'm just not ready yet' answer but truthfully, I really didn't know why myself. We would eventually break up over this difference in opinion, not because he was a jerkbag but because it was genuinely a deal-breaker to the both of us, and I would be more conflicted than ever. Is this what being abstinent was all about? I had no pride in it, no self-conviction that it was the right thing to do...just the hope that one day, I could be happy living with this stupid rule that robbed me of having everything I wanted in a relationship.
I think that it was this going back and forth that made me give up my virginity to the wrong person. Now, before you use that as an argument for why I shouldn't have sex before marriage at all, I do not regret this in the least. There could have been a more ideal guy than the douchecanoe I gave it up to, at a more ideal time than the inebriated state I was in...but if I were to do it all again...well let's just say that I don't have a lot of regrets in life and the issue of my virginity is not one of those regrets. I would do it all over again. But I had a good guy who was willing to take my first time sober and I denied it because I thought I needed to be a 'good girl' for.....for what? So that I could finally grow the balls to make the decision that was right for me all along at the wrong time at a moment of weakness?
No, I woke up after that. Surprisingly, I didn't feel dirty or ashamed or guilty like I thought I would have...no, I felt nothing but a sense of overwhelming relief. Like a stage in my life had finally passed and I could move on with my life. I was finally free to do what I pleased, and to this day, years and boyfriends later, I couldn't be happier.
2.) It's One Of The Ways I Best Express Affection
No, I'm not bragging about my greatness in bed. Ugh, who does that anyways? >.< I'm simply saying that of the many ways that you can express your affection to a significant other, (e.g. gifts, verbally, acts of kindness, ECT) I am most comfortable doing it physically. I'm a lousy gift-giver, all my act of kindness seem to backfire, and while hopefully I seem like a reasonably articulate person here on SL, I cannot for the life of me hold a serious romantic conversation in person. I just freeze up and inappropriate attempts at humor start spilling out of my mouth.
Physically though...it's completely natural to me. Cuddling, kissing, and hugging more often than not replace "I love you"s and roses. Why would I deprive my partner of this, and more importantly why would I deprive myself of this? Of the way to feel more self-confident than I have ever felt in my life? And to receive affection physically in return is unlike any gift or love letter to me. It's not a once-in-a-lifetime gift (that ends up being super awkward because neither of you knows what to do) to me, it's a continual reminder of the love that myself and my boyfriend share. If he and I happen to break up, then I can just as easily share this with my next SO, as I have done before. To me personally, what is done is done and I do not retain any lingering feelings of shame or guilt because I have had sex with someone I am no longer involved with, and as for my boyfriend, if he had an issue with my being previously sexually involved with another person...well he is simply not my type. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting to date someone who is a virgin, but if you do, then I am not your girl.
Sex is something that I have found that I happen to enjoy, and I personally prefer to enjoy it on a more regular basis than after I've made a lifelong commitment to someone. I see no reason to deprive myself of this form of affection, no reason to hold out for something I can have right now and still enjoy throughout the years, and certainly no reason to impose ridiculous rules on my own physical liberties simply because my parents told me once that it's never okay to make love before your wedding day.
3.) It Comes Before Emotional Attachment To Me
To those who consider engaging in sex with another person to be bonding in some way, then I highly advise that you do not throw precaution to the wind and consider carefully your sexual partners. However, as for myself and many other people who are highly physical people, it does not carry the emotional weight that many claim that it does. It is true that for some people sex is very emotional, and this is true for me too, but it is a different kind of emotional. The kind that you get when sharing a lovely night with your SO cuddling and watching a movie...a whole hotpot of affections towards the person but none that are so strong that they will forever haunt me in my mind if I happen to break up with said person.
In fact, it's rather offensive when our school textbooks outright claim that teenager who have sex casually WILL be emotionally scarred for life even if they don't realize it yet. This just assumes that all teenager are at the same maturity level with equal emotional reactions to event in their life which is not true in the least.
I can have sex with someone before loving them, and most likely will. This does not mean that it is meaningless to me, far from it. But it's kind of like a teddy bear or love note that you gave to an ex, rather than a wedding ring. You don't regret giving it to them (unless they were a HUGE jackass), and you are sad for the relationship as a whole ending, not specifically that you won't be having sex with this person anymore. It will be remembered, but it will never be as important as the person who you were with while you did it, which is all that matters in the end.
Well, that post ended up being a lot longer than I intended. I'm sorry it's all over the place and rambling at times...this is something that is not as clear-cut as how to bake a cake...it is highly personal and involves a lot of emotions that I can't quite voice to everyone. I am not bashing anyone who chooses to remain abstinent or trying to convince anyone why they should become sexually active. No, I am simply defending my choice to be sexually active, and I hope that you can respect it as much as I respect everyone else's sexual behaviors, even if there is a lack thereof. Again, these reasons are highly personalized to my life, so don't take it as a generalization for everyone who chooses to have sex, but if you think that it's just plain wrong for anyone to have sex before marriage...well I hope that I've presented another viewpoint on the issue even if you still don't agree with premarital sex in the end.
Does anyone else feel the way I do?
Does anyone else have any other reasons they choose to be sexually active?
Also, if you've simply come to tell me about how immoral I am and how I'm making the wrong choice for myself and my future...please refrain from doing so. I've heard enough lecturing from my parents and uptight friends...if you disagree with me please don't state it in a way that puts down everyone who disagrees with you. Thank you very much. ~TheOister