Darklife Central: How Likely Are You To Go To Hell?
*Originally inspired by Autumn's Darklife art. This quiz is not meant to be taken seriously.*
Have you ever wondered about how your immortal shade will fare after your mildly unpleasant and uneventful, almost pitiful demise? Have you ever contemplated the vastness of the afterlife and wondered whether or not you'd make it through Gary's mighty jaws and finally find peace, or if you'd end up condemned to forever haunt the accursed fiery depths of the Realm of Lost Comments? Well fear not, Darklers, Splurkers, and Sparkler scum! This simple quiz will tell you how likely it is for you to go to H E double hockey sticks when Gary finally decides to rip your pathetic soul from your puny mortal body!
1. Starting of things simple: have you or have you not ever called upon the forces of the dark and terrible ancient dieties that bide their time in the ethereal plane, waiting to be unleashed by a naive fool like yourself?
A) I would never do such an awful thing! NEVER!
B) Yeah, once or twice, but I only called them for like help on a math test or something.
C) Excuse me, the "ethereal plane" is not a thing? This is real life, you know. Not Dungeons and Dragons or whatever game people are playing these days.
D) Why wouldn't someone call on the dark and terrible ancient dieties? I've got a lot of enemies that need to be destroyed. A lot of vengeance to wreak. Out sourcing to Chuthulu is the best business idea I've had in a while!
2. Speaking of the dark and terrible: How do you feel about His Evilness, Gary the Great and Horrifying?
A) HE'S REALLY EVIL AND HORRIFYING, YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT. BOO, GARY SUCKS! DOWN WITH EVIL!
B) Uhhhh not really a fan because of that whole "sent Josh Perilo to the torturous Realm of Lost Comment" incident, but you do you Gary, I guess. Just stop eating my comments all the time...
C) "Gary" is an internet glitch, so like all Internet glitches: Moderately annoying and a nuisance.
D) Gary and I? Best friends. We have matching pentagram tattoos and a snapchat streak over a year long. One time he offered to help harvest and cook up the soul of my archnemisis into a nice spirit lasagna. What a guy.
3. Would you ever sell your soul?
A) Obviously NOT! My soul is a precious lollipop, unstained by the touch of demons. It is PURE. Why would I give that away?!
B) Maybe to pay off my college loans or get a good paying job with health insurance. LOL this economy, amirite?
C) I....don't have a soul.
D) I think I've done it at least what, five, six, ten times? All the buyers have a share in it like investors, though they're still trying to decide who gets exactly how much. Right now Mephistopheles, the three witches from Macbeth, and that devil from Cuphead are duking it out for who gets a larger percentage of my soul....
4. Have you ever participated in any forbidden arts such as Necromancy, Cult Sacrifice, Excessive Latin Chanting, Blood Magic, etc?
A) I have never done a forbidden thing in my entire life. I'm a GOOD PERSON.
B) One of those things, maybe two, but it was all in good fun. Mostly.
C) I've muttered the Unforgivable Curses from Harry Potter at a few people, does that count?
D) Forbidden arts are the only arts I ever do. Fine arts are too mainstream and vanilla.
5. Finish this sentence: I saw Goody Proctor with _________
A) THE DEVIL! She's a witch, I tell you!
B) YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT. Haha, good one.
C).....a metaphor for McCarthyism?
D) Me. I'm the real witch here.
6. Have you ever been the cause of any public displays of heathenism and/or obscenity?
A) I only display righteousness publically. And privately. Think of the children!
B) I've dyed my hair purple, posted bad fanction online, and watched anime on a public library computer. Do those count?
C) I've sworn a few times in public...more than a few times.
D) I'm a public display of heathenism and obscenity everywhere I go, thank you very much.
7. If you found out your friend was heading down a dark and dangerous path in their life, what would you do?
A) Try to stop them and guide them towards the light, of course! No friend of mine shall fall the to temptation of evil!
B) I think I'd try to talk them out of it. I don't want my friend to get hurt or end up cursed...I care about them too much.
C) Rationalize with them that going down that path probably wouldn't benefit them, although if they're able to convince me otherwise, I might consider joining them....
D) Be very excited that they've finally decided to join me on the dark side and wish them luck with all their terrible tidings!
8. What sort of fictional characters do you identify with?
A) The heroic pure-of-heart-and-soul protagonist who embodies all that is good and smites all that is evil!
B) The weird nerdy sidekick character that is friends with the protagonist and contributes all the quirky jokes, references, and occasional slap stick humor from their bad hand-eye coordination.
C) The logical, realist, and sarcastic character that doesn't want to be dealing with any of this and comes off somewhat morally grey.
D) The supervillain full of edginess, melodrama, and brooding angst with a side of over the top dark powers.
9. What's your favorite holiday?
A). C H R I S T M A S!!!
B) Halloween, because candy and spoopy fun! But also the day after Valentine's Day if that counts, because discount chocolate.
C) Not any of the popular or really well known holidays. I might count my birthday as one of those holidays.
D) The days of the year upon which the blood moon shines and the gates between the mortal and deathly planes open just enough for me to summon my wicked undead army! Also Halloween, obviously.
10. Finally: How do you feel about Sparklife?
A) I LOVE SPARKLIFE!!!! YAY SPARKITORS AND SPARKLERS!!
B) Sparklife's awesome, I've made a lot of friends on the site.
C) I splurk a lot, but the people seem nice and the articles are entertaining.
D) Sparklife? I only do DARKLIFE. LONG LIVE GARY.
If You Picked Mostly As: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELL, YOU SAINTLY SNOB
Fear not, ye who treasures all that is wholesome and pure, you're not going to hell. The pearly gates of Heaven open for you with ease, because you've managed to never do a single bad thing in your entire life. While other children teased each other and ate their own snot, you were cultivating an organic vegetable garden to nourish the hungry and giving away all your toys to the less fortunate. You've always been on your best behavior, never faltering, never a hair out of place, always acting completely morally appropriate at all times. Evil has never been a factor in your life, though you could not be such a snob about it. Not everyone can be as good and untempted as you are, and there's no reason for you to stick your nose up at the rest of us sinful, sinful mortals. You may not understand why we stray the way we do, but an attempt at doing so would be appreciated.
However, with your complete and utter goodness established, one question remains....
Why are you taking a Darklife Central Hell Quiz?
If You Picked Mostly Bs: YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE GOING TO HELL
But even if you DO end up in hell, it won't be as bad of a gig as you might've initially thought. Your casual, easy going nature would make you quite likeable among your fellow denziens of hell, and even endear you to your demonic overlords. Sure, you might be suffering damnation, but your likeableness and knowledge of memes would make people want to hang out and drink a boiling beer with you in hell's bar. At this rate, you might even be promoted to purgatory. If you did managed to err on the side of avoiding hell and end up in purgatory or heaven in the first place, you'd become similarly liked by your fellow dead. A lot of the more goody two shoes snobs might wrinkle their noses at you and avoid you in fear of catching whatever amount of sin you might have left in you, but most people would think you're pretty okay. Remember: whether heaven or hell, just be yourself!
If You Picked Mostly Cs: YOU COULD END UP IN HELL BUT IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WOULD BELIEVE IT
You're a skeptic. A cynic, a snarker, someone a little too salty for their own good (though you'd probably object to that). You took this quiz for fun, for a laugh, not because you actually considered any of the options seriously. The problem with you is that you could end up anywhere and you'd probably not believe in any of it. You could get sent straight to hell (a likely possibility) but everything you saw could be easily explained by your overlogical mind. The screams of the eternally dammed? "People must really like heavy metal music here." The grotesque faces and animal-like body parts of the demonic overlords? "Nice Halloween costume, you must have spent a lot of money on the make up." Why is everything on fire all the time? "I must've accidentally took a one way to California." Similarly, you'd pull the same logic-making trick if you managed to end up in heaven, claiming that it was just an elaborate set up by a bunch of very passionate choir singers and that the floor wasn't made up of clouds, but really, a bunch of thick cotton covering the 'real floor.' Eventually your demonic overlords (or heavenly supervisors) would come to completely ignore you in order to spare their own peace of mind, and your fellow dead would only scoff at your logical deductions. Your unbelief would catch up to you, making you fade from the afterlife and to a vast, intangible void, separate from all meaning. But you probably expected that to happen, didn't you?
If You Picked Mostly Ds: YEAH, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO HELL
Either begrudgingly or enthusiastically, through a series of very poor life decisions, you managed to end up in quite the hellish pickle. You have done practically everything your parents, school teachers, and the rest of respectable society told you not to do, and it landed you straight into the nth circle of hell. The sins you heaved upon to your soul are so heavy, they practically broke hell's weighing scale. You certainly earned some appreciative whistling and applause from your demonic overlords, and with a soul like yours so evil that redemption is a laughable possibility, there's only one way to go: Deeper. Into the ranks of hell, that is. Your soul is a perfect resume of horrific atrocity, and that'll be sure to land you a promotion from cursed soul to evil spirit underling, to even demonic overlord. Evil is a very committed lifestyle, and while you may have not conquered the mortal world, if you play your cards right here....perhaps you have a shot at becoming the new dark lord of hell itself. It does fit your aesthetic, after all.
*Thank you all so much for taking the hell quiz! Comment your results down below, and don't forget to heart if you liked it!*