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Dear Diary, Entry 25

Yesterday was the most bipolar day I've had in a long time. Everything was either really good or really bad. 

Yesterday morning was good. Nothing bad had happened or aything. I played Spades and I was really excited about our award ceremony. 

And then I went to therapy, and that was good too. At first.

Now, a little background on me: I've done some stupid things regarding the internet and talking to strangers and stuff, and I dated a girl behind my parents back, and they found out all about this. I started being more trustworthy, and for about a year (I hadn't started self-harming yet) my parents were still really strict and distrustful towards me. Then I started self-harming and things got worse, blah blah blah.

So my counselor started talking about trust with my parents, and I just got so heated during this conversation. We probably talked about 30 minutes, and I just kept arguing that they were never going to change, because they've shown that they won't change and trust me.

And my counselor was arguing for my parents' side, and at some point, it was like this raging fire of anger, and the next second, it just.... stopped. Like all the fight in me just disappeared. It just stopped. 

And I realized how true everything I was saying was. There's no point in fighting. Nothing's ever going to change. So I'm done fighting.

It's not like I want to die or anything. I just... Don't care anymore. Nothing matters. There is no purpose. 

And then I started thinking about the world, and how true it is of that too. Rape, murder, hatred, it never stops. It doesn't change. A tree may grow, but it's roots are still the same. 

So I've decided that I'm not trying for anything anymore. I'm just gonna let people do whatever they want. The end.

Anyway, on a lighter note, the award ceremony went really well. DJ and I got best editing. I did amazing in my live performance. And after the award ceremony, I found out that I did in fact get level 5, so I'm getting out of here.

That's all I've got.

SSIMH: FRIENDS by Mashmello ft. Anne Marie

Be safe, Creepers

Tags: diary, good, therapy, Nothing, Bad, numb, givingup, idc

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