Dear Diary, Entry 13

Diary, I had a crazy weekend and I'll tell you ALL about it and then some.

So I went on a home visit this weekend! It went really well. I got a bunch of stuff, including shorts, shoes, those tea packets you pour into your water, and a ton of depressing things.

So I found out my mom is taking Lexapro, which is an antidepressant, and I asked her when she started taking it and she said early last summer. Early last summer, I came to this boarding school... I think I've caused my mom depression. And I talked to my dad about it and he said it's not just that; my sister moved back home from college and there are som other things, but I feel like I was the straw that broke the camel's back... I feel like it was all my f*ck ups that are making her sad, and I would never wish depression on anyone, even my mom. And I internalize basically everything, so I feel like the majority of it is my fault...

I went to my home church Sunday (I'm a preacher's kid, btw). Everything went well until my mom and I went to go set up for the senior banquet they were having that night. The juniors are supposed to help set up and serve food and stuff like that. So we walk in, and there's a bunch of people I know, people I've grown up with. Do you know how many of them said hi to me? Acknowledged that I was there?

None of them. Not one of them even said hello. Not even a wave.

BEWARE: RANT

WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK????? I grew up with these people! I've been thre with them through the ups and downs, loved them, cared about them, and because I'm here, going through a tough time, suddenly they ignore me? I WAS SO SNUBBED!! I constantly feel like I have no one. Like I feel so alone constantly, and that definitely didn't help. And I get if you don't know what to say. I get it. It's a hard situation. I know that. But flat out ignoring me??? WHAT KIND OF CHRISTIAN DOES THAT???? I need a hug... I'm so alone...

I cried a ton last night because of that. No self-harm (48 days clean, I think) but I just felt so alone and guilty and I just... cried...

I miss S.A.D like no f*cking other. I really wanted a hug from them beause they give the best hugs, and obviously they couldn't be there because they live a million miles away, but I still wanted a hug... I feel like crying really bad right now, too...

Sorry for all the depressing things. The weekend really was good besides those three things. I went shopping with my mom and we talked like normal people, and I hung out with my sister, and I ate dinner with my dad. I had a ton of fun, there were just some things that upset me.

SSIMH: Beauty From Pain by Superchic[k]

Be safe, Creepers.

Tags: diary, alone, lonely, sad, love, jerks, Guilt, Home, depressed, mom, youthgroup

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