Dear Diary, Entry 12

There's gonna be a HUGE rant, Diary. I'm really upset about this...

A little information first:

My roommate, Jen, has been at my school for about 3 months. I have been at this school for almost 14 months. She complains about this place all the time, and it's frustrating because I know this place sucks, but you don't see me complaining all the time, and I've been through more sh*t than she has.

There's going to be the mention of something called "codependency". If you don't know what that is, it basically means that two people rely on each other emotionally in a relationship. And it's unhealthy. I was in a codependent relationship with S.A.D (which is part of why being away from them is so difficult), and that held me back from making progress, blah blah blah.

On to the situation:

So me, Jen, and Kyra are all roommates. We were laying with the lights off last night and talking, and Jen is talking about how she can't deal with being here anymore and how she's given up. 

She said "I just feel like you could do everything good here and still never get out."

So I responded, "I've done everything good."

She has the audacity to reply "No you haven't. You self-harmed and were in a codependent relationship."


From the very first day that I got here, I did everything good and right. Maybe not perfectly, no, but I did things good. I got up every single morning, did my chores, got dressed, went to breakfast and groups and deep cleans and did what I needed to do EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR ALMOST 14 MONTHS. Jen has a habit for doing stupid stuff and acting up, so no, you do not get to say you do everything good because you don't. You purposefully piss off the Bigs and do stupid things to annoy people. I have been respectful to the Bigs and most of the Littles the entire time I've been here, and I just got level 4. DO NOT SAY SH*T. YOU DO NOT, I MEAN NOT, GET TO SAY YOU'RE TIRED OF THIS SH*THOLE. YOU HAVE NOT LIVED THROUGH HALF OF THE THINGS THAT I HAVE. You have not lost the people I have. You have not watched every single one of your friends deteriorate right in front of your very eyes while you could not help them. You have not sat in your closet and cried and tried to keep yourself from running to the bathroom and hanging yourself. You have not sat on your bed, using a made sharp to cut youself and smiling while tears run down your face because THERE IS FINALLY RELIEF. YOU DO NOT KNOW THE HALF OF IT. YOU DON'T KNOW ME, AND YOU DEFINITELY DON'T KNOW THIS SCHOOL AND HOW SH*TTY IT CAN REALLY BE. Do NOT act like you've seen it all, because you haven't. You haven't sat on the couch while your best friend tells you they f*cked up again. You haven't stood in the middle of the living room and watched someone throw themselves over the balcony because they do not have the will to live anymore. You didn't watch the love of your life graduate and leave you behind. Things were so much worse before you got here. YOU DON'T KNOW, B*TCH. YOU DON'T. DO NOT ACT LIKE IT'S HARD HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE HARDSHIPS THAT I HAVE. I have done good. I have done right. I have not done perfectly, but I did do good and right and just because you're too blind to pay attention to any of that sh*t doesn't mean you know. You're an ignorant b*tch that knows absolutely NOTHING. DO NOT PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND.


*sigh* I'm sorry, Diary. I'm extremely upset about all of this, in case you couldn't tell. I'm literally shaking right now in anger.

I can't think of anything else to write right now, Diary. I'm sorry.

SSIMH: Kick Me by Sleeping with Sirens (my angry song)

Be safe, Creepers.

Tags: diary, stupid, Rant, anger, ignorant

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