Ah, February. The month of the Valentimes, a holiday about a naked baby who is also a criminal, and who shoots human beings with a lethal weapon until they are forced to procreate. It is perhaps the worst holiday we have. If you tried to describe this holiday to a pair of visiting aliens, they would glance at each other, back away slowly toward their spaceship, and leave Earth to its own devices. If you tried to describe it to a naked baby, the baby would probably have no opinion. But we're stuck with it, in any case, so here are your extremely accurate Februaryscopes.