Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 30
Chapter Thirty: Irresistible
Better Title: A Festival of Face Touching
Way back in Blogging New Moon: Part 13, I wrote, "If I complete these blogs by 2010, SparkNotes is going to throw me a roller skating party. Which is an odd choice, since I can't roller skate. But I just love the up-tempo music and walking around public places in my socks. So, to keep things moving, here's another chapter where Bella frets for twenty pages."
My, have things changed. I've missed my 2010 deadline by more than a year, and there are still a handful of chapters left in this book. That means no skating party. If I can finish up before Spring, they still might throw me a party, but it's going to be in my friend John's basement, which smells like fish food, and the only refreshments will be cheese sandwiches and warm diet Sprite.
One thing hasn't changed during the past year. Bella, once again, spends twenty pages fretting. The girl could release her own self-help book called, "How to Worry About Things In 20-Page Increments: For Home or Office." For instance, if you're out of bread, you can write twenty pages on what would happen if you never ate bread again. This wouldn't solve your bread problem, but at least you'd be hip and sassy like Bella Swan-Cullen, the 21st Century's Best and Brightest Literary Superstar!
I'm being mean. Bella does have good reason to worry. The Volturi are coming and will kill her and her baby for no good reason. I'd probably worry a bit too. She should continue her 20-page worry-a-thons. It's just like the time in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones spent the entire movie saying, "Gosh. I sure hope the bad guys don't get the Ark. That would be awful. All the pain and suffering…I just don't know if I could handle that. I better make love."
In the first part of the chapter, Bella realizes the best thing to do to prevent the Volturi from killing everyone is to spend the night having wild sex with Edward. Oddly, this doesn't help matters, and the next day she asks Eddie to teach her how to fight. He's hesitant. He says fighting will be useless because the Volturi army is too strong.
You might remember him saying similar things in the last book when the newborn army was approaching, and in the first book when James was being a doofus. Yep, Edward is one Positive Paul when it comes to fights. He always sees the bright side of life. (Sarcasm shoulder. I would raise my Sarcasm hand, but it's sore from shoveling snow.)
After some careful thinking, Edward realizes that it might be wise to teach Bella a few basic fighting techniques instead of letting her die defenseless. He's such a wonderful husband. He's so helpful in every situation and would be a great spouse even if these two weren't super humans.
HUMAN BELLA: Edward, help! The stove is on fire!
HUMAN EDWARD: It's no use, Human Bella. We will die a fiery death. Goodbye, my lamb.
HUMAN BELLA: Well, you could hand me the fire extinguisher.
HUMAN EDWARD: Hmm…I'm not sure that's a good idea. I don't think you're ready.
HUMAN BELLA: Oh. OK.
[The two lovers die]
Edward doesn't want Bella to get hurt, and knows that fighting will surely place her in danger. But isn't Bella the most powerful vampire in all the lands? As a newborn vampire, she's twice as powerful as all other vampires. She beat Emmett in an arm wrestling match that I'm desperately trying to forget. She could easily take out a few of these Volturi, so why is Edward hemming and hawing? And why does he assume losing is their only option?
Oh, that's right. He's a horrible joyless character without any sense of reason. I forgot.
Bella asks Edward about the Volturi and what makes this clan of vampires so powerful. He says they have two strong warriors, Alec and Dakota Fanning. We all know that Dakota Fanning can make a vampire crumble to the ground in a fit of agony using nothing but her mind powers. (As can the real Dakota Fanning, but only when she's really pissed and wearing her power crown.) Alec, on the other hand, has the opposite power. He can numb a victim and take away her senses, making her blind, deaf, and without any sense of pain. This causes panic and makes it easier for the other vampires like Marcus (giggle) to kill the desensitized enemy.
Since Bella is immune to Dakota Fanning's powers, it stands to reason that Alec would be powerless against her as well. The suddenly brazen Bella suggests that she try to take out Alec, whose powers can work on a large group of vampires at the same time, and then beat up Dakota Fanning, whose powers only work on individuals. With those two powerhouses taken care of, the Cullens can attack with full force.
I love this. There's no sarcasm hand here. The setup for this battle makes sense, for once. I think Alec and Dakota Fanning, the creepy-yet-strong vampire teens, make wonderful enemies, and their powers are much more interesting than Marcus' ability to see relationships and Esme's ability to live a wasted life.
The downside is that this part of the chapter lasts only a few sentences before the book returns to its natural state of tedium and illogicalness. Plus, Stephenie Meyer has never written a satisfying action scene, and I'm worried that this book will end with Bella telling us, "There was a huge war. It was epic. We won. Then Edward and I danced naked in a pool of infinite love, the waves of passion hugging our souls like a robe made of dreams and gods. Loam."
It's about time that Bella actually takes action instead of waiting for the bad things to happen like she always does. I'm almost impressed with her willingness to fight. Then I remember she let thousands of Italians die, one of whom was probably a young man who never had the chance to experience true love. And then my hatred of Bella bubbles up inside me like a burp that cannot be burped.
But before Edward can give Bella a lesson on vampire wrestling, the nervous couple must prepare for Tanya's visit. By the way, when is the last time Bella or Edward went hunting, and why isn't Bella concerned with blood anymore? Oh, right. Because of chromosomes and hybrids and whatnot. I think "whatnot" is the best way to explain all the problems with this series.
It's up to Edward to tell the Good Vampires that Optimus Beyonce isn't a vampire baby, but instead a mysterious hybrid creature. I could do this with a simple text message, but Edward must involve passion and mystery because he's a walking punch line.
Meanwhile, Bella is still trying to figure out who the mysterious J. Jenks is without Edward realizing what's going on. Because J. Jenks was introduced near the end of the book, and because I have no faith in Miss Meyer's writing ability, I'm willing to bet this Jenks character is some sort of all-powerful godlike creature that will solve all problems with his mighty battle cry, "Deus Ex Machina!" And then the Volturi will be defeated, the Cullens will be safe, and out of nowhere Bella will be given a wish-granting unicorn named Cupcake Icing, and yet she'll still find something to moan about.
Tanya and her family (Carmen, Kate, and Eleazar) arrive, and Edward's big plan is to hide Bella, Jacob, and Optimus in another room while he explains the situation. Is the trickery necessary? Again, why couldn't Edward explain this over the phone before they got there? Oh, that's right. It's because of whatnot.
Edward invites the Tanya family into the dining room and explains that there is great danger approaching. He asks them to listen carefully to what is hiding in the other room. The vampires quickly identify Jacob, but they also hear Optimus' fast and gentle heartbeat. Edward then asks Tanya's gang to have an open mind about what he's about to show them.
It would be fantastic if Edward then performed some sort of erotic magic trick, but alas, he does not. Instead, he invites Bella and Optimus into the room and tells Tanya that the child isn't a vampire baby, but a vampire/human hybrid. I'm surprised and disappointed that the term "ta-da" is not uttered once. Edward needs to work on his showmanship skills. I punctuate everything I say with "ta-da." It never fails to impress. Ta-da. I also use the phrase when saying goodbye to my dad, but with a slightly less arrogant emphasis and a longer pause between the two sounds.
At first, the other vampires back away, because they are vampires, and vampires are over-dramatic morons. They don't believe Edward, and know that a vampire baby is against the rules. Edward is able to calm everyone down, and reminds them that Optimus has a heartbeat, and as such, cannot be a real vampire.
Optimus asks to touch the guests to show them the truth. This is when the festival of face touching begins. For pages and pages, Optimus touches faces. She's the most amazing face toucher in the world and would easily win the gold medal for face touching at next year's Over Dramatic Olympics. Sure, a simple handshake would have worked too, but face touching is so much more ridiculous and pompous, i.e. it's a very vampire thing to do.
Eventually Tanya's family see the truth and understand that Optimus isn't an evil monster. They vow to help convince the Volturi that Optimus is just a super baby and not a vampire at all. And should a war break out, they will defend the Cullens. Roy G. Biv, indeed.
The chapter ends with Bella hopeful that they will be able to talk some sense into the Volturi. There's also a small subplot about Eleazar, and how he thinks the Volturi are coming to Forks for a different, more mysterious reason. I'm only mentioning it because it will probably be important later and because whenever I write the name "Eleazar" I also say it out loud in a flamboyant accent. Eleazar!
Murmurs: 5 (Book total: 75)
Mutters: 2 (Book total: 42)
The Volturi prepare for battle.
CAIUS: So, boss, why are we waiting a month to attack?
ARO: Because we need time to gather our forces, you fool.
CAIUS: But a whole month? Couldn't we do that in, like, an hour? Just send out a mass email or blow the big summoning horn.
ARO: No. It takes a month. Stop asking questions.
CAIUS: Lame. I could build a freaking house in a month.
ARO: You could not. Leave me alone.
MARCUS: Wassup, haters? Marcus here to tell you that Seth Rogen loves his wife.
ARO: So what?
MARCUS: Maybe we can use that against the Cullens. That would be totally viper!
ARO: How…why is that viper? Wait. Don't answer that. I really don't care.
CAIUS: Are we taking a hot air balloon to Forks? That would sort of explain why it's going to take 30 days to get there. Can I pull the torch thingy in the balloon if I promise not to get chocolate on it?
MARCUS: I wanna pull it too! This is going to be viper! Caius, get a picture of me pulling the fire thing for my Facebook page. But don't tag me in the photo if I look fat.
ARO: No! We're not taking a hot air balloon! We're taking a damn plane!
CAIUS: You didn't have to yell.
MARCUS: But why is it going to take a month? Are we walking?
CAIUS: I don't want to walk. Do we have to walk? Can I bring a pillow pet? Can I bring two?
MARCUS: Why is it going to take so long?
CAIUS: Because why?
ARO: Just because, OK?
MARCUS: Oprah thinks Ben Stiller is ugly. That's how I'm going to defeat Emmett.
QUIL: Hey guys. You don't know me, but I thought you should know that my girlfriend has no concept of death and when she spots roadkill, she assumes the animals is taking a nap. It's cute, but also psychologically damaging, just like our relationship. It's pretty viper.
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