Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 17
Chapter Seventeen: What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I have.
Bella's Title: The Dark Evening Gives Way to a Shimmering [BLURGH!] Sorry, I Just Vomited Up Blood
Jacob is running away…again. He is an expert at running away. Under the "Other Skills" section of a job application, he can write:
I can run away from most anything, especially if it involves spoiled teenaged girls. And I can run patrols in both circular and semi-circular patterns. I'm a people person. I'm familiar with Microsoft Office and Photoshop, and have limited experience with HTML.
(That last part is a lie, but everyone puts it on their application.)
This time he's driving Edward's fancy Aston Martin instead of turning into a werewolf. It's not explained why he's driving instead of running. It probably has something to do with chromosomes or Leah's lack of menstrual cycle. Jake's upset because Edward is now happy and looking forward to being a daddy. This leaves Jacob all alone in the fight to save Bella's life from the demon child. And he's going to save her by driving 50 miles out of town to look at other girls.
As he drives around Washington, he wonders if perhaps finding an imprint mate will erase all of his feelings for Bella. If he finds his one true love, then he won't care if Bella's body is ripped apart by Optimus Beyonce. He thinks about going to the mall to find a forever buddy, but doesn't like the idea of spending his life with a woman who hangs out at the mall. Picky, picky, Mr. I-Don't-Own-Shoes. Maybe Jacob would rather find a bride by hanging out in Megan Fox's closet, or at the supermodel volleyball tournament.
Instead of the mall, he drives to a crowded park and walks around staring at all the pretty girls. He looks each of them in the eye, hoping there will be some Imprint Spark that will tell him when he's found the right one. But nothing happens. I'm no relationship expert, but I don't think women enjoy being stared at and silently judged by shirtless barefoot men. You know what else they don't enjoy? Spiders and the word "moist," especially when used together.
Since none of these girls are good enough for him, he forces himself to spot the good qualities of some of the women. He notices the way one young woman has nice lips and another has beautiful eyes. It still doesn't work. I'm surprised he doesn't break out the tape measure and ask for urine samples. (This is how my girlfriend met me.)
He's doing this all wrong. If Quil has taught us anything, it's that you can imprint on anyone, no matter how illegal or disgusting. Instead of searching for girls his own age, Jacob should be visiting nursing homes and kindergartens looking for love. He may also consider falling in love with a kind monkey or a sexy apple. Imprinting has no rules.
Defeated, he heads back to the fancy car and broods. One of the girls who he was stalking notices him and jokingly asks if he stole the car. Jacob is dismissive. Though this girl is attractive, friendly, and seems to know a lot about cars, he doesn't love her and brushes her off.
Dude! Stop being such an ass, Thunder. You're coming over to my place tonight, Jacob. We need to have another chat about relationships. And this time, there will be no pizza bagels. Play time is over, buddy. It's 'bout to get real up in this piece! Oh, all right. I can make regular bagels. But no cheese and sauce. And we're not playing Jenga until you hear me out. Deal?
Jake realizes that time is running out. Soon Bella will be dead or a vampire, and he should be spending these last precious moments with her instead of at the park ogling the ladies.
On the drive back to the Cullen house, he spots Werewolf Sam and Werewolf Pervert Quil in the woods. Jake nods to his former allies and keeps driving. Back at the house, he finds Edward waiting for him.
While Jake was off doing his thing, Leah had a talk with Bella. It's not exactly clear what Leah told Bella, but it made Bella upset. She probably told Belly how hard this is for Jacob and that it's all Bella's fault. Or she told Bella that Iron Man 2 wasn't as great as everyone had hoped.
Edward doesn't like seeing Bella upset, so he asks Jacob to use his Alpha powers to control Leah and stop her from upsetting Bella. Waah! Waah! Waah! Poor Isabella is sad because she's a manipulative selfish ingrate.
Edward is right. Bella should never feel sad about anything and those that make her sad should be punished. Why on Earth should she feel bad about twisting and contorting Jacob's emotions and using him like a ratty security blanket? She should never have to deal with reality or the feelings of others. And Bella should also be given a sweet treat whenever she claps her hands, and if she brushes her teeth every night for a week, she should be given a trip to Disney-freaking-World. (Sarcasm hand is raised so high that I just delayed flights up and down the east coast.)
Then Edward says the baby is developing quickly, and Optimus Beyonce seems to be aware of his/her surroundings…somehow. This is the smartest baby in the world, and apparently not only has X-ray vision but can understand the English language. Bravo, Optimus. You're well on your way to being my least favorite character. (Alice, because you haven't done anything too stupid in a while, you are no longer the worst character. And if you buy me a new hat, who knows? You could knock Conner out of the top spot.)
Ed thinks the baby is ready to be born, and because he must have gotten his PhD in obstetrics while Jake was out looking at girls, everyone believes him. He's ever so smart. As soon as Carlisle comes back from rounding up some human blood for Bella, it's game time.
Jacob, who thought he had two or three days before Bella gave birth, is shocked at the news. He's not ready to give up his friend. He wants more time. But I say screw it. Let Bella turn into a vampire so Jacob can go back to that lady park and find some ladies. The dude is a 6'8'' tower of muscle and manliness. There are bazillions of women out there who would love to French kiss him, or even Dutch kiss him. Jake, you have to move on with your life. Find a girl. Settle down. This will be discussed during our man-chat tonight. We will also discuss how to Dutch kiss, so you should bring your kissing pillow.
Edward has another favor to ask. He wants Jacob's permission to violate the werewolf/vampire treaty so that he can bite Bella and turn her into a vampire. Honest to God, I thought we already covered this. Didn't the werewolves all agree that Bella can be bitten? Wasn't this discussed about 300 pages ago?
And why would Edward needs Jacob's permission? If the Cullens violate the treaty, is Jacob really going to attack? Has he not met Emmett?
Jake says he needs to think it over, but he eventually says it's totally cool to bite Bella. The two monsters hear Bella slurping her blood from inside and they go check on her. She's doing well, but can't stop sucking down the blood. She spots Jacob and tries to talk things over with him regarding the Leah confrontation. Again, I'm not sure what Leah told Bella, but considering the author is willing to spend entire chapters explaining in detail how Bella plays with a magnet, the conversation must have been too boring for even Ms. Meyer to write about. I assume their conversation went like this:
LEAH: You should be nice to Jacob.
BELLA: No. And now I'm double-sad.
LEAH: Fair enough. By the way, here are some thoughts on plumber unions. See, union delegates are elected every five years. These delegates then report to the group of general officers, as mentioned in section 5-G of the union code. Now, this differs from general contractor unions in 18 ways. First…
With help from Rosalie, Bella gets up to use the restroom. But she forgets her cup of human blood on the couch, and as it starts to spill, she tries to grab it. This action causes something inside her body to rip, and she vomits up a "fountain of blood."
But let's back up a minute. Bella was drinking human blood, not animal blood. When this cup filled with human blood spills, why isn't Jasper going bonkers and turning into a Gollum-like character as he dives face first into his "precious" patch of bloody sofa cushion? And forgive me for being icky, but why don’t the vampires drink up Bella's nutrient-rich barf?
Oh, right. Because vampires have 25 chromosomes, Optimus Beyonce has 24 chromosomes, and Alice's powers only work when someone makes a decision. Also, the force.
Murmurs: 2 (Book total: 41)
Mutters: 3 (Book total: 30)
Stephenie Meyer's editor has a few questions. He visits Castle Twilight to speak to the author.
EDITOR: Hi, Steph. Got the new pages. It looks fantastic. Great stuff. But why aren't Jasper and the other Cullens tempted by the cup of blood that Bella spilled?
MEYER: [Stroking her evil pet opossum] Fool…do you really think my readers would care about such things when a beautiful child that shall shine like the moon is about to be brought into the world?
EDITOR: Right. But the thing is, you made a big deal about human blood and how Jasper can't control himself.
MEYER: [Getting louder as lightning strikes in the background] And the child shall be glorious and perfect in ways we mortals cannot comprehend, for this babe will be as strong as a mountain and as fierce as a hawk swooping through the delicate winds of passion on the—
EDITOR: That's neat, but there's copious amounts of human blood splattered all over the house. It doesn't make sense for the vampires to sit idly by.
MEYER: [Gazing out her stone window] The child will have the voice of angels and hair like that of a baby unicorn. The child's eyes will be two perfect pools of perfect water so perfect you can see not only your reflection in them, but also the reflection of your future self, for its eyes will bend time and space with their beauty—
EDITOR: OK. So you don't care about consistency? You just care about babies? Is that it?
MEYER: [Walks over to her pet hyena and strokes its fur] The child's laugh will bring tears of joy to everyone, and even to the trees. The trees, they will weep. They will weep a weep that no poem can capture. The tears of the trees shall fall onto the loam and—
EDITOR: You're just spouting gibberish and trying to make it sound smart, aren't you?
MEYER: [Wraps her pet cobra around her neck while feeding her pet shark] And the despondent wind will answer like laborious rain on the rooftops of heartache as the soft melancholy feet of those young souls trot hopelessly on the loam of antiquity.
EDITOR: Uh-huh. I'm also cutting the scene in which Quil takes Claire to the dentist. It was too erotic and abhorrent.
MEYER: [Laughs] You think you can control me, do you? You think you hold the power? Then I banish you! I banish you to realms of ice and fear!
EDITOR: Um. OK. I'll get going. By the way, where do werewolf tails go and what's the deal with Alice?
MEYER: OUT! [Lightning crashes]
[The editor leaves.]
MEYER: [Sits back in her throne] Soon, they will see. Yes. They shall see through my mind. Soon…[She cackles while fondling an evil magic stone in her hand.]
QUIL: My girlfriend is dressing up as peas in a pod for Halloween. I'm going as a farmer.
More hilarity awaits you here!