Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 4
Chapter Four: Gesture
Better Title: The Return of the King
This chapter focuses on Bella's desire to have a human special hug. But everyone is telling her it's a bad idea. Her response: "Up yours, losers! I do what I want, when I want. Holler!" She's such a brat.
If someone can explain why Bella needs to have sex with Edward while she's still human, I will tell you where the treasure is buried. There are many things in this book that I don't understand, such as Alice and werewolf tails, but Bella's constant desire to have sex as a human is ridiculous.
It's dangerous. Edward could kill her with his passion and naked butt. He's never given someone a special hug before, so he won't know what he's doing. Like trying to make pancakes for the first time, it won't turn out well. Only instead of cradling pancakes that are burned on the outside but raw on the inside, Ed will be cradling Bella's corpse.
Call me an unromantic prude, but if someone said you can have amazing sex but the end result may be mutilation or possible death, I would sit it out and spend my time looking up my house on Google maps…which is so much fun! I can even see my favorite tree! Hi, tree!
But there are plenty of other reasons Bella should wait until she's a super-powered vamp before having sex. First, what's so great about human sex? Vampires are better swimmers, better baseball players, and better lullaby authors, so it stands to reason that they would be better lovers, too. Perhaps I missed the part when Emse told Bella, "Girl, you need to get frisky while you're still human, because once you're a vamp, sex feels scratchy and boring."
If sex as a vampire is better, what is Bella waiting for? Turn into a vampire now! Why is remaining human so important? Why is this entire series of books about her need to see Edward's toolkit while she still has a heartbeat? WHY IS THIS BOOK SO LONG?
If she became a vampire last year, none of this would be happening. Everything would be perfect, and this book could be about Emmett and Jacob saving a family trapped inside a theme park that is overrun with gigantic bats and polar monkeys.
But let's say human special hugs feel better. Fair enough. Hell, let's say they feel 1000 times more intense than vampire sex, and experiencing them is so unique and powerful that it's better than everything else in the world. Even better than watching a Pixar movie. Wouldn't Bella feel guilty?
Edward has never had sex as a human. He missed out because he got the flu and was turned into a vampire. (I missed out on going to the water park for similar reasons, so I know how Ed feels.) Edward can never have human special hugs. If human sex is more exciting than vampire sex, Bella should feel bad. This experience is one-sided. If Bella had a diabetic, allergy-ridden, lactose intolerant friend, she'd probably force her to go to the ice cream shop. Bella would order the Motherload Sundae and gobble it up greedily while her friend nibbled on some gluten-free protein wafers. She's so selfish. I hate her.
So if there's really no good reason to have sex with Edward while she's still a human, what's her freaking problem?
Anyway, this chapter begins right after the ceremony. Bella and Edward's wedding reception is outside on the Cullen lawn. Luckily the sun is setting, or else everyone would realize that these supernatural "monsters" glitter like Lady Gaga's spleen. Bella describes the beautiful sunset, which means there are no clouds. Which means the sun was out during the day. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but the Cullen house is made of nothing but windows.
So how did all the vampires, both the Cullens and the Tanyas, avoid sparkling in front of the human guests? We're not meant to ask these questions. We're also not meant to eat Doritos and peanut butter for dinner, but guess what, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ms. Meyer has written herself into quite a corner with the sparkling of her monsters. Instead of offering up a reason why they could walk around during the day, she glosses over the topic in hopes that we don't see what's going on, like a child who just set fire to the cat and tries to divert attention by saying, "I can count to a hundred!"
Edward, bite Bella right now! I'm sick of this wedding crap. Don't get me wrong. I love a good wedding. (I enjoy going up to the band or DJ and requesting songs that don't exist, such as "Body Shots (Damn, Those Jeans Are Tight)" by Willie Nelson.) But I'm anxious for the vampire/werewolf war that I'm certain won't happen.
Bella meets Tanya and two of the northern vampires. Tanya politely welcomes Bella to "the family." She also says, "I am sorry about the, er, recent incident."
Don't worry about it, T-Bone. It's not a big deal that you left your best friends to die at the hands of the newborn vampire army. And offering such a heartfelt and epic apology is very kind of you. You are the real hero, Model-T. You and your family of cowards have taught us all what friendship and loyalty mean. I commend you. I applaud you. I look up to you. Oh, I'm not raising my hand to ask a question. I'm raising it for an entirely different reason, T-time. Now please excuse me. I need to go roll my eyes with great intensity.
God I hate vampires.
Bella and Edward accept T-rific's apology and the Alaskan vampire mommy introduces Bella to her "children" Carmen and Eleazar. Eleazar? Stephenie Meyer must subscribe to Ancient Names That Sounds Better Than Jason Magazine. I subscribe too. That's how I picked the name Njoror for my new car. (I don't know how you say it, but I think it's pronounced "En-Lucy.")
The reception continues with Bella and Edward participating in typical wedding reception activities such as cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet, and spending the entire time narrating the events to an annoyed reader.
There's a touching moment when Bella dances with her dad, and for a brief few sentences the Swans seem like a real family. But then things get stupid again as Edward cuts in and starts explaining to Bella that she's as pretty as a rainbow crammed up the butt of a unicorn, or some such smooch-woochy talk.
And then things get kind of awesome, then lame, and then really awesome.
Edward intercepts a mind-thought and says Bella will be receiving a surprise wedding gift. I half-expected Edward to give Bella the entire state of Texas, a diamond-encrusted throne, and a Sports Authority gift card, but instead he dances Bella away from the crowd and into the darkness. On a clear night like this, one thing you wouldn't expect to hear is…THE THUNDER!
Jacob has returned!
Bella is flabbergasted. Edward leaves the two friends alone, and Bella starts bawling about her lost friend's triumphant return. Jacob doesn't act sad. He is back to being his awesome self. Bella responds by whimpering, "Now everyone I love is here." And if you listen carefully, you can hear the uninvited E-rock moan quietly, alone in his room as he cradles his action figures and his valedictorian sash.
Bella and The Thunder try to enjoy the moment together. Jacob knows that soon Bella will be a vampire, so this may be the last time he ever sees her. Jacob acts a bit defeated, but overall seems OK with the situation. Good on ya, Jake. It's nice to see you've got your senses back. I'm making you a whole mess of pizza bagels. (Hope you like pepperoni and cake batter!)
The other wolves are watching in the woods, in case Jake flips out. But he doesn't. This is where things get lame.
Bella reassures him that this is what she wants, and everything seems to be going fine and dandy. There's lots of talk about feelings and friendships. Jacob asks if she will become a vampire tonight, and Bella says they are going to wait until after the honeymoon. Then Bella lets it slip that Edward is going to hug her in a special way on their honeymoon, and Jacob freaks out.
This is where things became awesome.
Jake knows Bella's plan is dangerous and foolish. He starts to tremble, on the verge of becoming a wolf. Bella, the short-sighted selfish snob, says she can have special hugs with a monster because it's her life and she can do whatever she wants.
I can't believe Bella is angry at Jacob. I know being told you can't do something is harsh, but how does Bella react when someone else tells her the painful truth?
PLUMBER: I don't think you should flush sweaters down the toilet, ma'am.
BELLA: Get the hell out of my house! You can't control me. You can't tell me what to do. I can drown sweaters if I want! USA! USA! USA!
To the surprise of no one, I'm on Jacob's side. Bella, you're being a lunatic. You can have all the special hugs you want after you become a vampire. Why risk it?
Jacob grabs the hysterical Bella forcefully and asks if she's lost her mind. Edward leaps to Bella's rescue and Seth tries to pull the furious Jacob away before he does something stupid….like have sex with a vampire.
Jacob loosens his grasp and Edward flings Bella a few feet away to safety. And then Jacob and Edward have another one of their wonderful, yet ultimately uneventful staredowns. Only this time Jake gets aggressive and simply says, "I'll kill you."
How awesome is that?
But like always, Edward and Jacob don't come to blows. Instead, they make faces at each other as Bella cries, "No! Stop! I'm weak and crazy! Wha wha wha..."
This is the last book, and that means Edward and Jacob should fight. They have to. I didn't read all this crap just to watch them go play ping-pong at the Rec. Center. I want my Edward v. Jacob smackdown, and I think I deserve it.
The other werewolves emerge from the woods and nudge Jacob away. How the wedding guests failed to see a pack of bear-sized wolves come out of the forest is a question I'm saving for my lunch date with Stepehnie Meyer. (Ms. Meyer, I'll be at the Arby's on South Street tomorrow at noon. I expect to see you there. You'll recognize me by the daisy in my hair…my leg hair.)
Bella is shaken up by the almost-violence, though I'm not sure why. This same showdown happens every 62 pages. She should be used to it by now.
With the werewolves gone, Edward and Bella return to the dance floor and the party continues. But Edward is beginning to realize that Jacob may be right. Finally, Edward sees reason. Having sex before Bella is a vampire is as senseless as brushing your teeth with scissors.
Bella "Horn Dog" Swan isn't listening to reason and practically demands that Edward disrobe right here and now so they can [corny euphemism for having sex].
Emmett cuts in and asks to dance with Bella.
Emmett's here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, watch me dive in the pool! Emmett? Watch, OK? Are you watching? Emmett, are you watching? Emmett, watch! I'm going to do a double flip! Emmett! Emmett!
[Dan does horrible dive right onto his stomach.]
Emmett, did you see that? It didn't hurt at all. I meant to do that, because it makes a better splash. I know my stomach is now bright pink. I like it that way. It looks like ham. And I'm not crying. That's just pool water that got stuck in my ear and comes out my eyes. It happens. I'm not crying. Whoa…kind of dizzy. And my ribs are broken. It hurts to breathe. But that was awesome, right? Please say yes…and call an ambulance.
Bella dances with everyone else and then shares a long kiss with Edward that Alice interrupts to remind the lovebirds that their plane leaves soon. Bella still doesn't know where they are going. If I were Edward, I'd take Bella someplace quiet and romantic, like Greece. If I were me, I would take Bella to someplace awesome, like Tim Burton's house, or the future.
She hops in the car with Edward and they drive off, as the sound of howling wolves echo in the distance…like the sound of howling wolves echoing in the distance.
Murmurs: 5 (Book total: 10)
Mutters: 0 (Book total: 6)
The first day of their honeymoon is filled with activities.
BELLA: What should we do first? I think we should hug…specially.
EDWARD: Not yet. I have so much I want you to do before becoming a vampire.
BELLA: Like what?
EDWARD: I want you to taste lava.
EDWARD: When you're a vampire, your taste buds will be different. So this is the last chance to drink lava as a human.
BELLA: OK. I guess. But won't it hurt?
EDWARD: I wouldn't know, my lamb. I was never given the opportunity to drink molten rock as a human. [Looks mournfully out the window.] My humanity was taken from me…there was no choice. Just the cold grip of forever tugging at—
BELLA: Fine. Whatever. I'll do it. Anything else?
EDWARD: Let me break your femur bone.
EDWARD: Bella, no one gave me the chance to break my femur. That opportunity was stolen away. When you're a vampire, your femur bones cannot break. For the rest of your life you will wonder what it feels like to have a broken femur. There is an eternity of regret waiting for you if you say no. Your femur bone is part of your humanity. It's—
BELLA: Stop saying,"femur."
EDWARD: So I can break it? With a mallet?
EDWARD: Also, you should get a crazy haircut. When you're a vampire, your hair will remain the same length for all time. Getting a haircut is part of the human experience. It's part of your soul, Bella. You must get a haircut. You must be given the choice…a choice that my brothers, sisters, and I never had. Perhaps a mohawk…
BELLA: I like my hair.
EDWARD: I will call Rosalie. She will tell you how she spends all night crying out for just one last haircut. A haircut that can never be. A haircut with bangs that exists only in dreams we cannot dream because we don't sleep…for some reason. A haircut that—
BELLA: I'm going down to the pool.
EDWARD: Yes. You must enjoy the taste of chlorine while you still can sense it, my love! Fill your soul with humanity and chlorine! You have the choice that was not given to me. The choice to accidentally drink pool water and then vomit. Vomit as only a human can! Vomit, my Bella! Vomit just one last time before you journey into my night. Vomit for me!—
BELLA: I kind of hate you now.
Wash the chlorine out of your eyes, then pay a visit to the Blogging Twilight index page!