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Blogging Eclipse: Part 27 (The End!)

Blogging Eclipse: Part 27 (The End!)

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Needs
Better Title: The Incredible Sulk

A certain character in this book isn't handling a relationship very well. Guess which one. (Hint: It's not Conner.) Poor Bella is double-sad after she dumped Jacob. But since they weren't really going out, this was less a dump than it was a slight drop, like when you release a baby salamander back to the ground after dressing it up in a funny hat. What?

Bella is so distraught after her chat with Jake that she can't speak, think, or even drive her truck. Luckily, Alice had a vision of the emotional supernova that is Bella Swan, and sent Edward to fetch her. Eddie doesn't say anything on the drive back to Bella's house, and lets her cry and wail about how Jacob was her friend and blah, blah, blah.

Did I miss a chapter? Granted, I'm a dude, so maybe I see relationships differently. But all Bella said to Jacob was, "Hey, I'm going to kiss Edward forever and I will not kiss you. Deal with that." And since she had established this fact on every single page of the last book, I don't understand the sudden sob fest.

Did Jacob step on her toe as she was leaving? Is she upset because God kills puppies and kitty-cats every day for no real reason? Did she just read the end of Charlotte's Web, when Charlotte makes a full recovery after falling ill and takes a trip to a magical land filled with rainbows and cupcakes? (My grandma may have edited that story slightly because I was a sensitive child. But don't tell me if I'm wrong. I can't handle the truth.)

They arrive at Bella's house, and Edward sneaks into her room upstairs while she goes to deal with Charlie. She talks with her dad for a bit, and lets him know that she "salamander-dropped" Jacob. Charlie isn't thrilled with the news that she is choosing Edward over The Thunder, but he sees that Bella is an emotional wreck and simply says, "Kay," which made me laugh because I never pictured Charlie as the type of guy who said, "Kay." In my mind he would say something more like, "Huh?" or, "Hrumph" or, "Ruphm I'm a cop mmurff?"

Bella sulks her way upstairs, where Edward is waiting. She continues to act as though the universe has crumbled. In Cormac McCarthy's The Road, the father must teach his son how to commit suicide because the world they live in is so harsh and evil that death may be their last resort. Those character had something to cry about. Sorry, Bella, but telling a boy you'd rather kiss a different boy is not reason enough to curl up into a ball and die. Especially since this isn't news to anyone.

Bella has told us that Jacob was more a friend than a lover about 3,000 times so far. WHY IS SHE CRYING? Poor Edward is in for some tough conversations.

EDWARD: What's wrong, Lamb?
BELLA: The earth…it rotates on its own axis.
EDWARD: Yep. Why does that make you cry like a madwoman?
BELLA: I don't know. I guess I never realized that before.
BELLA: Why aren't we dizzy, Edward? Why doesn't the earth spinning make us dizzy? [SOBS AGGRESSIVELY]

Did I mention that I don't like Bella very much?

She goes to sleep thinking about magnets. I do that too, but not because I use magnets as an obvious, hackneyed cliché for relationships. I just like magnets.

The next morning she wakes up and talks with Edward about goblins that dwell inside a volcano in a city called Thoog. Just kidding. They talk about passion. I lose focus for a bit, so there's a small chance they actually discuss volcanic goblin villages. I would go back to check, but I've already burned my copy of the book and used the fire to make s'mores, which I then threw out in a symbolic gesture. This wasn’t easy. I love s'mores. And yet I threw them in the garbage. That's how much I dislike this book.

Bella and Edward talk about Wuthering Heights. Again. Then Bella says, "We're going to go see Alice." Good idea. Seeing Alice is always good for a laugh. That will cheer Bella the mope-dope right up.

They arrive at the Cullen Estate. Alice already knows what's about to be said: Bella wants Alice to plan her wedding, complete with all the pomp and glitz. Alice is thrilled. She already has Bella's wedding dressed ready to go.

Does anyone like Alice? Raise your hands if you do, and keep them raised. I just need to know who won't be invited to my laser tag birthday party.

Bella asks Alice to be her maid of honor. That screech you heard is the distraught Angela screaming in protest. Sorry, Ang. Bella has discerning tastes when it comes to picking a maid of honor. Maybe if you were a supernatural liar who kidnapped best friends for money and prizes, then Bella would have chosen you.

Everyone is so happy, except me. And probably Jacob. And Conner is bound to be upset, because I bet that guy bragged to all of his friends, "Dude, I'm so going to be the star of the Twilight series." And then girls were all like, "Ooh, Conner. I want to give you naked kisses!" Now that he realizes he was only mentioned about 1.2 times during this entire series, he must say stuff like, "Um…so, about that whole Twilight thing? I was just messing around. You know that, right? Can we still naked kiss?" Anyway. Where were we?

Oh yeah. So Bella and Edward, high on passion, walk to the love meadow and talk about love. Again. Edward knows she doesn't really want a big wedding and says they should cancel the event. Also, Carlisle can turn her into a vampire right away. All deals are off. He even begins to have almost-sex with Bella.

But Belly stops him and says that she wants to wait until they're officially married before hugging in a special way, though she still wants to have sex before becoming a vampire. She just needs to say goodbye to her parents before leaving the world of humans, and promises, "I will tie myself to you in every human way before I ask you to make me immortal."

Tie myself to you? Is that a saying? Has that ever been used to describe the act of making love? If a woman said that to me, my initial response would be, "What the hell are you talking about, you loony, over-dramatic weirdo?" My second response would be, "What's it like working as a greeting card author?" My third response, as always, would be, "I'm sorry my shoes aren't lighting up. I think the battery is dead." (But the truth is, my shoes don't light up at all. I just want people to think I'm a big shot. Shhh.)

Tie myself to you? How can one author come up for so many silly ways to say "sex" without using the actual word, and yet reuses the word "murmur" nearly a hundred times in a single book?

Tie myself to you? Is she talking about sex, or a three-legged race?

Tie myself to you? Did Bella learn everything she knows about sex from watching Avatar? Does she assume reproduction involves joining ponytails?

It starts to rain, and Bella gives her last glower of the book…to the sky. That's right. "I glowered at the sky," she tells us. I'm sure the sky responded with, "What's wrong with your face? Did you smell something bad? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm the sky! Without me, you'd have nothing to breath but deadly space-air. A little thank-you would be nice, you over-dramatic, self-centered loon. Hey! I can talk! Weird."

She says the wedding is important to her. She needs an event at which to say goodbye to all of her human friends. So, the party is back on, but they must first tell Charlie about the engagement, which won't be easy. (But now I wonder if Charlie, upon hearing the news, won't simply say, "Kay.") Edward slips the engagement ring back on Bella's finger, and the book ends.

Wait! Don't get up. It's not over yet.

Epilogue: Choice
Better Title: Jacob is Triple Sad

Whoa! Out of nowhere Bella stops narrating the book because she's either busy reading Wuthering Heights, or crying because grass is green.

We jump into Jacob's point of view, which at first is refreshing, until I realized that Jacob's mind, just like Bella's mind, is written by Ms. Meyer…who I suspect has never met or talked to a real human male before.

According to Meyer, Jacob has thoughts such as:
But it didn’t matter that she was giving up everything—that she was letting her heart stop and her skin ice over and her mind twist into some crystallized predator's head. A monster. A stranger.

According to me, Jacob's thoughts would be:
Sex. Boobs. Bella was going to become a vampire and give up everything, even cake and pie. Boobs. Boobs. She's so stupid. Boobs. I hate her. Boobs and butts. But that's OK, because I'll find some other girl that is a thousand times better than Bella. Boobies. Besides, Bella was really annoying. Sex. I want pizza. Boobies are neat. Butts too.

Jacob is upset. No, upset isn't the right word. Jacob is emo. He's double-emo. He's not handling the news that Bella chose Edward very well, and he wants to be alone with his thoughts, but Leah is nagging him.

She's ticked off because whenever she's a werewolf, she receives all of Jacob's thoughts about Bella, even the naughty naked ones. She wants Jacob to snap out of it.

So do I!

I'm not a fan of Emo Jacob, and if the happy-go-lucky Jacob is gone forever, the only way I can make it through Breaking Dawn is if Emmett is in every chapter along with a flying carpet that he calls his Rage Rug.

We all know that Leah is mean and petty. She tells Jacob that Bella will probably die during her transformation and then Jacob won't need to worry about her anymore. This causes Jacob to nearly wolf-out, but he calms himself down, and tells Leah that if she thinks it's tough having Bella thoughts shoved into her wolf-mind, then how do you think the other guys feel when Wolf Leah thinks about hot and sexy Sam?

That previous statement only makes sense if you read these books. If you read it aloud to someone unfamiliar with mind-thoughts and Leah's turbulent relationship with Sam, she will probably neck-punch you. (Note: A neck-punch can mean a person punches you in the neck, or punches you with her neck. If you get to choose, choose the latter. It hurts much less.)

Mean Leah leaves Jacob alone, and Jake decides to go home. Inside, Billy hands him the invite to Bella's wedding. Jacob knew this was coming and doesn't care to read the invitation, but notices a handwritten note include in the envelope. It's from Edward.

Wait a second. Jake is sad, talks about love, whines about relationships, and receives handwritten letters from Edward? Slap a wig on him, hand him a copy of Wuthering Heights, and he might as well be Bella.

I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Please make it stop. Bring back the Jacob I met in New Moon. Please? I'll give you $8 if you do that for me. How about $4 and some firecrackers? Fine, $9? Help me out, people!

So Jacob reads the letter. Edward wrote some crap that I don't care about. Jacob then runs off and turns into a werewolf.

Where is he going? Bella's house? Delaware? Conner's house? My laser tag birthday party? I hope he's coming to my party. I need to have another chat with him before The Thunder turns into The Wind Chime.


Murmur/Glower contest winners:
Looking over the guesses from the final New Moon blog, it seems we have a tie between xxstargazer and xxpestixx, both of whom guessed the correct number of murmurs and glowers. Congrats! Since I'm bored, I will write a poem and draw a picture for both of you. In the comments section below, tell me a topic or theme you'd like me to focus on (it doesn't need to be Twilight-related, and if you say nothing, the poem will be about hot dogs, and the drawing will be of a dinosaur). I'll post the results on SparkNotes, and Emma will get the actual drawings to you. (Email your address to her on Facebook, or send it to

New Contest:

For Breaking Dawn, I'm going to count murmurs and mutters (and all variations of those two words). Since it seems Ms. Meyer is afraid of me, she stopped using so many glowers, so those will not be counted. Leave your guesses in the comments section below. (e.g. Murmurs: 100. Mutters: 300) The person who guesses closest without going over will get a drawing and poem, and in the event of a tie between more than two people, one winner will be chose at random. When the first Breaking Dawn blog is published, no more guesses will be accepted. Got it? Good.

Final thoughts:
This book shouldn't exist. I don't mean that it shouldn't exist because it's horrible and no human eyes should ever gaze upon this collection of words. I mean it shouldn't exist as a novel. Everything that happened in this book could have been chopped down to three or four chapters and tacked onto the end of New Moon, a book which quite frankly needed an ending. Nothing really happens in this book. No one changes. The characters are all the same as they were at the end of New Moon.

These books are like watching someone slowly walk up a hill, then walk down the hill. You say, "Hey, that didn't accomplish anything." And they look at you and reply, "Yeah, but next time I might do something once I get to the top of the hill. So stay tuned."

The only thing that moved the story forward was the death of Victoria, but did anyone really care about that?

Using Victoria as the villain was irritating for several reasons. First, everyone, including Conner, should have seen it coming. Second, when Bella finally does solve the mystery, no one cares. And third, Vickie isn't a villain worthy of being a multi-book nemesis. She's no Voldemort. Victoria was a third-rate baddie, the kind of villain who would pop up before the opening credits of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only to be killed just as the theme music began.

Put another way: There was no tension. There was no character development. There was no reason for the book to be written.

So why does this book exist? I assume Stephenie Meyer needed a booster seat for her child, and writing and publishing a novel was faster than finding the phone book.

During the Christmas break, I read The Golden Compass (great book), and though it's a very different story than Eclipse, it's interesting that by the third chapter of The Golden Compass, the plucky protagonist Lyra Belacqua had already spied on the scholars, stopped an attempted poisoning, ventured into a an ancient crypt, stolen a haunted coin, learned that her best friend was kidnapped by The Gobblers, and introduced the readers to the concept of deamons.

Meanwhile, in Eclipse, it takes three chapters (91 pages!) for the author to tell us that Bella likes Jacob as a friend, doesn’t want to hurt Jacob's feelings, thinks Edward is nifty, and doesn't like Jacob in a romantic way. Bella also makes dinner for her dad. I'd say this book moves along at a snail's pace, but that would be an insult to snails. This book moves along at a snail's pace, assuming the snail is nailed to a tree.

On the other hand, the scene with Seth was OK.

If I were to rank these books in order of favorites, I would order them:

1. New Moon
2. Twilight
3. The ingredients on a ketchup packet.
4. Eclipse

The next book begins with Bella's wedding. The ever-romantic couple decided to write their own vows.

BELLA: Edward, I love you. I promise to be a weak-minded, easily manipulated wife whom you can keep locked up like a naughty child. I hope you never let me experience anything and keep me sheltered for all eternity as if I'm some sort of collectable or trophy for you to caress and smell. And I know that if I'm being attacked by evil bad guys or if I have a tummy ache, you will react the same way, with irrational fatherly overprotection. I love you. Wuthering Heights. And I can't wait to tie you. I'm going to tie you all night long.

EDWARD: Bella, I love you so much. I promise to never have a sense of humor, and to only say things that, at first, sound vastly profound, but upon further examination, reveal themselves as emptier than a Ke$ha song, and twice as meaningless. I will never let you do anything on windy days, and when it's raining, I will drug you so that you will fall asleep, freeing me from the worry that the bottom of your pants will get wet in the puddles. I also promise to make you cry for no real reason, and say things such as, "I'm giving you a choice, Bella," even though I'm really not giving you a choice at all, because you're such a fool. I love you. Wuthering Heights. Our relationship is healthy.

And later, we see Quil's wedding.

QUIL: I promise to love you forever, my darling Claire. The first moment I looked into your eyes, I knew you were the one. Though some may mock our relationship for being weird, illegal, and gross, we both know that our love is bigger than moral and legal standards. I promise to keep you safe, tie your shoes, and take you trick-or-treating to the good houses that give out the big candy bars. I love you forever. Here, you have a runny nose. [COVERS HER NOSE WITH A TISSUE] Blow.

CLAIRE: Lunchables!

This epic post is so good, it almost made us cry! Revisit past tear-jerkers here.

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging eclipse

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