Blogging Eclipse: Part 26
Chapter Twenty-Six: Ethics
Better Title: I Wonder What Emmett is Doing
I'm going to make this quick because we all want to hurry the heck out of Eclipse and get to Breaking Dawn, where I'm told everything makes perfect sense and I shall have nothing to criticize. Let's begin…
Come on! Really? This book still isn't over? I'm glad Jacob is healing nicely, but I didn't need to read about his heart-to-heart with Bella for an unnecessary 20 pages. I don't get it. At this point, the reader has already bought the book. It's not like Ms. Meyer makes more money if you spend more time reading the book. So why didn't she wrap things up in the last chapter? Maybe she gets paid by the number of times a person yawns while reading, in which case I just gave her about $500. And I was saving that money for new shoelaces.
The chapter begins with Alice babysitting Bella after the war. Bella remarks that Alice's bathroom is littered with an assortment of cosmetics, and since Alice doesn't need cosmetics, it's safe to assume the psychic Cullen bought them for Bella, because she thinks Bella is ugly.
Alice attempts to help Bella relax, but ole sourpuss is worried about the injured Jacob. She can't go see him yet because…I honestly don't know why. Alice says that Charlie, who is at Jacob's house, can't see Bella because it would ruin their lie.
They make a big deal about Charlie staying with Billy for the day, and about the fact that Bella lied and told her dad she was spending the day shopping with Alice. This was all concocted to protect Charlie from the war. So if Bella showed up at Jacob's house while Charlie was there, Charlie would scream, "You lying bitch! I knew you weren't shopping! How else could you explain the fact that you're at Jacob's house?! I wish you'd never been born!" Then he'd shoot her in the face.
I'm kidding of course. If Bella showed up to see her injured best friend, I'm sure Charlie would just assume someone called her and told her that Jacob was hurt. Nothing against Charles Swan, but he doesn't seem to be the smartest man in town. This entire plot to keep Bella away from Jacob makes as much sense as the rest of the book. So let's forget about it and move on. Breaking Dawn is so close I can almost taste it. I hope it tastes like butterscotch and jetpacks.
Alice and Bella talk about the future. Alice predicts that Bella will indeed become a vampire, but she's curious to see how she will react to the change. Bella doesn't want to be a raving madwoman like Bree "The Walrus" Tanner. Alice says Bella shouldn't worry about it, because the insanity caused by vampire transformation only lasts about a year.
A YEAR!? An entire year of being a bloodhungry lunatic? I'm surprised Alice didn't add, "It won't be that bad, although you'll have explosive diarrhea for eighteen months. And your liver will be horribly itchy for a few decades, and you will never be able to scratch it. NEVER!"
Bella asks why Edward, Aro, and Jane's superpowers have no effect on her, whereas Alice and Jasper's powers work just fine. I thought we went over this before, no? Because Bella is a straight-up loon with a broken brain, mind powers don't work on her. But Alice and Jasper's powers don't affect the mind, so they can be used on Bella. Although that's not really true because Jasper alters one's emotions, and emotion is caused by chemicals in the brain that…you know what? Screw it. I won't get into this again. Breaking Dawn is staring at me right now and I'm dying to read all 754 pages. (Broken Dawn is also staring at me. Broken Dawn is what I named my chipped pencil cup, which was previously named Unbroken Dawn.)
So Bella goes home, complete with a new dress that Alice bought as a way to keep their alibi safe. She makes dinner for Charlie and they chat about Jacob. The aloof Charlie says Billy was acting odd all day. We know that Billy was worried about the war going on, but couldn't tell Charlie about it. So it's understandable that Billy was a bit preoccupied.
Then Charlie says they heard deafening wolf howls, which stopped when Sam and the guys brought the broken Jacob inside the house. They told Charlie Jacob was hurt in a motorcycle accident. Charlie thinks the whole day was weird, but doesn't bother to ask important questions. Nice work, Chief of Police Charles Swan. I wonder how he handles crime?
[BANK ROBBER DRIVES PAST IN A GETAWAY CAR, SHOOTING BULLETS EVERYWHERE]
CHARLIE: That car is weird. I hope Bella makes breakfast for dinner.
Then Carlisle (and for some reason Edward) came over and fixed Jacob up as best they could. Charlie admits that it was nice of Edward to help Jacob. That was nice of him. You know what else would have been nice of Edward? If instead of helping daddy, he comforted his soulmate after she witnessed a brutal battle that involved dismemberment and head loss.
If I see someone lose a head, I am not ashamed to admit I will need a hug. And cookies. And some new shoes that are totally banging. And a hat. And…wait. What are we talking about?
Do you think the werewolves will be awesome in Breaking Dawn? I hope so. I bet they kick all kinds of ass. I bet Emmett will be there too, and he will fly in a helicopter that has swords instead of normal propellers. I bet Breaking Dawn is going to be my favorite thing with words. I'm so sure of this, that tomorrow I'm getting a tattoo which reads, "Breaking Dawn is not a bucket of fail!" It will feature a Emmett flying in his sword-copter. And I will get it on my forehead, and the words will be written backwards so I can read them in a mirror. It's going to be sweet.
I wonder if Breaking Dawn has any pirates. Probably. If I were making a 754-page book, I would cram some pirates into it. Does Breaking Dawn feature any robots? Don't tell me. I want to be surprised. I hope the robots in Breaking Dawn have machine gun eyes and capes. Squeee! I'm so excited to read Breaking Dawn!!!
Bella rushes out the door to see Jake. At Jacob's house, she slowly creeps into his room and finds him awake and waiting for her. And then they talk.
Fine. I'll continue the blog. But this section of the book is so mind-numbing that after it's done, you could stick a nail into your brain and you wouldn't feel a thing. First Bella says she loves Jacob. Then Jacob says he loves Bella. Then they talk about Edward. Then they talk about love and friendship. Then Jacob smiles and I lose my train of thought just for a moment because that guy has a hell of a smile.
Then they talk about love. Jacob mentions friendship. Bella says, "I'm sorry."
Jacob says he's sorry. They talk about feelings.
Jacob says, "It's not your fault, Bella."
Bella says, "No, Jacob. No! Never."
Bella says words.
Jacob does something.
And I couldn't care less.
I like Jacob. He's great. And he's not really the problem here. This chapter is horrible because of Bella. Jacob is ready to say, "Hey Bella, I love you so much that I don't want to hurt you. So let's just be friends."
But Bella is the one who demands they hash things out again and again. I'm sure throughout this entire conversation Jacob was thinking: Go. Just leave. I'm tired. I don't want to deal with this right now. Fine, I'll be your friend. Whatever. Just let me rest, you dumby. I need my sleep. I just broke my entire body. Why won't you leave! Why are you still talking about friendship? You're so exhausting. How does Edward put up with your yammering? You're still talking? I'm going to stare at you and try to make your head explode with my mind. I'm really doing it. Blow up. Blow up. Blow up. It's not working. Probably because your brain is broken. I don't even want to be friends with you anymore. Let me sleep, woman!
He's too polite to say this out loud, and so he puts up with Bella's drivel.
In the end, Jacob wants to remain friends with Bella, and says he will always love her. Bella says she will always love him, and that she hopes he finds his soul mate. And that's it.
Except there is still an entire chapter left…plus an epilogue? [DAN STARES BLANKLY AT WALL]
Glowers: 0 (Book total 15)
Murmurs: 2 (Book total 93)
Another vampire war begins, and once again, everyone must keep Charlie in the dark. After the battle, Charlie confronts Bella.
BELLA: Hey dad.
CHARLIE: Bell, I need to talk to you.
BELLA: What's up.
CHARLIE: Well, for starters, where is your arm?
BELLA: Oh, it fell off. Windy day, huh?
CHARLIE: Your arm blew off in the wind?
BELLA: Yep. But it's all good. Carlisle patched me up. Emmett is going to make my severed arm into a hammer.
CHARLIE: He's a lovely man. But that reminds me…Did you hear any loud screams coming from the woods today?
CHARLIE: Well, I was out back and I heard these screeching yells of pain, followed by dripping noises. It sounded like blood.
BELLA: Hmm. It was probably just a bird with a bloody nose.
CHARLIE: Yeah. Maybe. But then I heard a voice yell, "I'm Edward and I am going to decapitate you evil vampires with my mouth!" But it was probably just the wind.
BELLA: Yeah. It was really windy.
CHARLIE: Plus, it was difficult to see or hear anything because Billy was sitting on me. He's such a kidder.
CHARLIE: I asked him why he was sitting on me and he just snapped, "Is this because I'm in a wheelchair?" I didn't want to offend him so I kept quiet and let him sit on me.
BELLA: That sounds like something Billy would say.
CHARLIE: Then I heard a noise. It sort of sounded like a teenager was transforming into something large and hairy. Know anything about that?
BELLA: Yeah, guys are always growing hair. We learned about it in health class.
CHARLIE: Right. And then I heard howling and flesh ripping and someone saying, "That werewolf just ate a vampire," and, "Emmett, use your death saw!" and "I sure hope Charlie Swan doesn't hear us." I also could have sworn I heard someone yell, "I'm dating a toddler, but it's not creepy because it's magical."
BELLA: Did you have the TV on? I bet it was the TV.
CHARLIE: No. The TV was off.
BELLA: Well, sometimes when you turn the TV off, it takes a few hours for the sound to turn off as well.
CHARLIE: Ah-ha! That explains it.
BELLA: Well, I better get going. I need to remove some sleeves from my shirts.
CHARLIE: That's nice, dear. By the way, how was your trip to Mars this weekend?
BELLA: It was fun. Alice and I found frozen water beneath the surface so that was a pretty big deal. Evidence of life, and whatnot. I also got a new dress.
CHARLIE: Can we have breakfast for dinner?
BELLA: No prob!
Previous Blogging Eclipse posts wait for your eyes to read them here.