Blogging Eclipse: Part 24
Chapter Twenty-Four: Snap Decision
Better Title: Though I've Only Just Met Him, Seth is My New Best Friend
Dear Werewolf Seth,
Hi! You don't know me. My name is Dan and I like Robocop and pancakes. I'm writing this letter to inform you that you are officially my second favorite character in this book series, beating out Jacob and coming in just behind Emmett "The Pain Maker" Cullen. And if you continue being awesome, who knows, you may take over the coveted number one spot. (Emmett, if you're reading this, I'm totally kidding. We cool?)
Anyway, keep up the great work.
I'm going to call you The Fury. Hope that's all right.
I know. I know. I started another blog by writing a letter to a fictional character. Sorry, but I couldn't hold back my feelings. Seth is amazing! He saved the day! He's like a superhero. Strike that. He is a superhero. Of course, that also means he saved Bella and Edward and allowed them to continue having love discussions for an entire fourth book, but I'll forgive him, because he tore off a vamp's arm. That's right, folks, he tore off an evil vampire's arm…with his mouth! Think about that!
Have you ever tried to rip off someone's arm with your mouth? Believe me, it's not easy. (Especially if they're wearing denim.) It would probably take you a good 45 minutes to get the job done, but little Seth Clearwater tore off an arm in less than a sentence! I don't know what's more surprising, the fact that Stephenie Meyer created a wonderful character, or the fact that no one has built a statue in Seth's honor.
Sure…Edward does some mildly interesting things in this chapter too. But I didn't care about Edward's fight, mostly because I don't care about Edward. I lost interest in him the moment he said, "Blah blah blah passion. Blah blah souls." But Seth? Seth is a 15-year-old kid who has only recently been transformed into a werewolf. He has never killed or even fought a vampire before. Newborn vampires are stronger, meaner, and faster than regular vampires, and Seth Clearwater chewed up a newborn one like he was eating a chicken dinner. That's why Seth's actions are far more impressive than dumb ol' Edward's.
The chapter doesn't start off with limb removal and beheadings, but instead with Bella thinking about her X-rated kiss with Jacob. I'm very worried about Bella's mental health. Her emotions range from sadness, to anger, to lust, to sadness again, all over the course of a single page. I haven't seen a person change like that since I held auditions for the one-woman show I wrote entitled, "Hear Me, Lisa: The Story of Alien Mind Possession."
Bella feels guilty and wishes an avalanche would crush her so she wouldn't have to face Edward. He returns from chatting with Seth, and after reading Seth's mind, knows all about the kiss. Things might get a little Jersey Shore up in here.
But guess what. Edward doesn't care and says that the kiss wasn't Bella's fault. He simply tells her, "You're only human." Well damn, girl. What are you waiting for? Go give Jacob a special hug. Eddie won't mind. You're only human, after all. This should solve everything!
But it doesn't solve anything.
And with that, please make sure the lap bar is secure and hands are inside the car at all times as we begin riding Bella's emotional rollercoaster. First, she yells at Edward, demanding that he yell at her. She wants to be scolded. She wants him to flip out. But he doesn't. I don't think Edward knows how to yell. He's one of those guys at the baseball game who witnesses a homerun and celebrates by patting his knee and whispering, "Neat."
Belly then transforms into a sex fiend, demanding that Edward give her a special hug right here and now. She says, "I don't care that it's cold here. I don't care that I stink like a dog right now. Make me forget how awful I am. Make me forget him. Make me forget my own name," and then kisses him.
Make me forget my own name? There is a list of things people have never said prior to having sex, and this remark tops that list. Also on the list are, "Put down the accordion and come here," "The ambulance is on its way. Stay with me! Stay with me! You'll be OK! Just breathe!" and "Make me forget math!"
But Edward doesn't kiss back, reminding Bella that now probably isn't the best time for special hugs. And he's right. Not only is there a war going on, but Seth is outside the tent, and I'm assuming a special hug that makes one forget her own name wouldn't exactly be the quietest event. Seth would hear everything. So it'd be a bit awkward, no?
Then Bella transforms again, but this time into her normal sad sack self. Not two sentences ago, she was practically ripping her clothes off, but now she's worried about the war happening a few miles away. She's like a dog that can't decide if it wants to chase the ball, chase the bird, eat a treat, or have sex with Edward.
Werewolf Seth makes a sad noise, and Edward says Seth is angry because he wants to fight in the war. After hearing this, the ever-polite Bella "scowl[s]" at Seth.
Really, Bella? You're going to give Seth the evil eye? Why? He's protecting your whiny butt. This annoys me to no end. Instead of saying, "Thank you, Seth, for staying here and keeping me safe," she gives him a snotty look. How can someone be so awful?
Better question: what on earth does Jacob see in her? I'm assuming Bella has an amazing butt or super-sexy eyes. There must be something about her physical appearance that Jacob is drawn to, because it sure as hell isn't her personality. And has Bella ever laughed? If she were watching The Family Guy, she would sit with arms folded across her chest saying, "Babies can't talk."
Edward is reading Werewolf Seth's thoughts, as Seth focuses on what the other werewolves are thinking. Edward says the group of bad vampires are following Bella's fake trail right into the clearing. The plan seems to be working.
And then Edward proceeds to describe the war. That's right. We don't get to see Emmett and Jacob kick ass. Instead, we get to hear about it from Edward. At this point in the chapter I'm pretty ticked off. I didn’t come all this way, through 536 pages of humdrum drivel, just to hear Edward tell a story. If I wanted to listen to an old man describe a war, I'd ask my grandfather about World War II. At least he would offer me a warm Diet Coke and some strawberry wafer cookies.
According to Ed, the good guys seem to be wining. Suddenly, Edward stops talking and shares a strange look with Werewolf Seth. He then tells Seth to run, and the werewolf gallops away. Uh-oh! Either something bad is about to happen, or it's special hug time and Edward wants some privacy.
Bella is freaking out. She thinks the bad vampires have killed one of the good guys, or perhaps all of the good guys. Edward is being a jerk (as usual) by not explaining a thing to Bella during these tense pages.
He grabs Bella and pushes her against the side of the mountain. She realizes that the bad vampires are coming for her and she's now in danger. Edward stands defensively in front of her and finally whispers, "Victoria. You were right. It was always Victoria."
Oh. Imagine that. You can't tell, but I just sighed so loudly that I gave myself a headache and made my eyes water…and bleed a little.
I'd ask why Alice had no clue Victoria was behind this attack, but that would ruin my happy day. (But seriously, they better explain why Alice had no clue Victoria was behind this attack, or else I'm going to march into the bookstore with a nail gun and nail each and every copy of this book shut so no one else will have to meet the illogical Alice Cullen.)
Vickie and a newborn named Riley emerge from the forest and approach Edward and Bella in a menacing, too-cool-for school manner. For once, I'd like to see a vampire act goofy and nerdy. I'm sick and tired of this "I'm so freaking cool" attitude they all have. Why can't a vampire skip out of the forest listening to show tunes and making jazz hands, or just walk out wearing jean shorts, a beret, and an Garfield t-shirt? I want a nerdy vampire with frizzy hair and a gigantic backpack. I find it hard to believe that all vampires act like extras from The Matrix.
So after some chit-chat, Riley is about to attack Edward, distracting him so Victoria can nab Bella. And then, just as all hope is lost for poor Bella, The Fury returns!
Out of nowhere, the mighty Seth pounces on Riley and rips off part of his hand. It's the single best scene in these entire books. Even better than the first appearance of the werewolves from New Moon. Even better than Bella's hilarious "This is about my soul, isn't it," speech. And even better than the scene in which Marcus (giggle) reveals his power (double-giggle).
It's intense. For the next 10 pages, we're treated to a bloody battle between Seth and Riley. There are times when Riley gains the upper hand, only to have Seth bite that hand clean off. Whenever the focus shifts back to the battle between Edward and Victoria, I found myself yelling at the book, "Move out of the way, dumbass. I want to see which part of Riley has been torn off by The Fury."
With Riley and Seth grappling, Victoria must fight Edward one on one. But these two move too fast for Bella to really tell us what's going on. It's a cheap narrative trick, and one I shall use for my forthcoming novella, Robot Stanley vs. The Space Hawk, which will be told through the eyes of a young girl named Nancy. Here's an excerpt:
I looked up at Robot Stanley. His machine gun face was ready and aimed at the Space Hawk. Suddenly, the two began to fight. But I couldn't see what was happening. And then Robot Stanley won. The End.
Sorry. That was less an excerpt, and more the entire novella. I still hope people buy it. Speaking of novellas, Ms. Meyer has a new one coming out. Since it would take her an entire novel just to have two characters eat a sandwich, I wonder how much plot there is in the novella. I'm assuming it's just about a vampire blinking once.
The fight continues. Edward does something with Victoria that we can't really see, and Seth chomps off another hunk of vampire meat from Riley. But Riley is able to smack Seth so hard that Seth soars into the mountainside, and some bits of rocks rain down on Bella.
Somehow Klutzy Bella, the same uncoordinated girl who couldn't hit a volleyball to save her life, catches a piece of jagged rock in midair with her bare hand. I must have missed the chapter entitled: Bella Becomes a Jedi.
Holding the rock like a dagger, you can guess what's going through her mind: The Third Wife. Bella hopes to cut herself, knowing that once she starts bleeding, the bad vampires will be distracted, giving Seth and Edward an advantage.
This makes sense, except just a paragraph earlier she told us, "Sharp fragments of gray stone showered down on my head, scratching my exposed skin." So isn't she bleeding already?
And you know I have issues with the Third Wife story, because there was no need for the wife to kill herself, let alone cut herself so badly. A simple paper cut would suffice. We know it would. That happened in the last book. So Bella doesn't need to be so dramatic. Prick your finger, you silly goober. Problem solved. I hate Bella.
But—and I may be wrong about this, because the writing is so utterly confusing—Bella doesn't even break the skin with her rock-dagger. Before making the incision, she gasps, and this gasp distracts Victoria long enough for Edward to kick her ass into a tree.
A gasp? That's all it took? Perhaps Bella has a super gasping power. Or maybe I've been underestimating the power of gasps my entire life. Or maybe this is just a lousy climax. What if instead of taking the ring to Mount Doom, Frodo simply had to gasp at the ring to destory it? What if Andy didn't need to escape prison in The Shawshank Redemption, but merely had to gasp at the evil warden? What if the Death Star could have been destroyed by a gasp?
I hate this story.
Edward then kicks Riley…or something. Again, this part is hard to follow. Somehow, Riley looses an arm, and the arm still continue to crawl on the ground. Seth attacks Riley and rips off his other arm and then tears the rest of him to shreds. Victoria is about to run away again, but Edward chases after her, catches her, and literally bites her head off. Which is pretty cool, but I thought Victoria had a super powered ability to escape. For this entire series of books no one was able to catch her because she was fast…or a good swimmer, or something. And now Edward can easily run up beside her and decapitate her?
Granted, she was injured. But it still seemed too neat and tidy.
All right, fine. I'm just angry because I was secretly hoping that Vickie would kill Edward. It would have been the perfect end to this nearly perfect chapter.
Glowers: 0 (Book total 14)
Murmurs: 10 (Book total 84)
After the war, the werewolves and the Cullens have a big party at the Cullen house.
ESME: Dude. Did you see me stab that vampire in his ear? That was sweet!
EMBRY: Oh man. That was awesome. How about the time I bit off that vampire's knee?!
EMMETT: I killed a vampire by twisting his head off with my feet whilst I killed a second vampire with my thumbs. I also killed ten vampires with a sword I glued to an ax.
EDWARD: That sounds great. I killed Victoria.
SETH: And I ate Riley!
BELLA: And I gasped!
BELLA: I gasped real loud!
BELLA: It was like this [MAKES GASP SOUND] Cool, huh? Pretty much saved the day.
BELLA: Y'all are just jealous.
QUIL: My girlfriend can't use scissors.
Was this Dan's funniest post yet? There's only one way to be sure: comparison!