Blogging Eclipse: Part 23
Chapter Twenty-Three: Monster
Better Title: Whaaaaaaaat?
Hey, Jacob. How's it going? Remember a while back when we had that chat about force kissing, and I said you should never force kiss someone? Disregard what I said. Apparently Bella loves force kissing. I'm as confused as you are.
Where does your tail go when you're not a wolf?
Do you want to see Iron Man 2 with me and Emmett? Let me know, because I'm buying the tickets in advance. Emmett said he can drive us.
Wow, folks. I'm not really sure what to say. These books have been as predictable as a train schedule (only less interesting), but I did not see this coming. At the end of the chapter, Bella and Jacob lock lips for an impressive four pages. Four pages! It's rough, raw, and raunchy. And when it's done, both Bella and I are left speechless and sobbing. She's crying about her mixed emotions. I'm crying because this chapter makes about as much sense as Grandma's emails. (She writes the entire email in the subject line. Poor thing.)
It's the morning after the snuggle party between Jacob and Bella, and everyone is in a foul mood, especially Edward. Bella wakes up feeling hot and sweaty after a night spent in the warm embrace of Mr. Black. Edward frees her from the sleeping bag and in doing so, Jacob spills out of the sleeping bag and onto the cold floor of the tent.
He immediately rolls back onto Bella, and that's when Edward flips out. He tosses Jacob across the tent, which sounds impressive, but unless these guys are sleeping inside one of those tents from Harry Potter, Edward only threw Jacob about six inches.
The two guys bicker, and for the 728th time in this book, they have a standoff. Bella calms them down, and Jacob leaves. (Or so we think.) Is it weird that I write these blogs as if we all don't know what's going to happen? Is it weird that I write this blogs while wearing a monkey shirt and listening to Enya?
With some time to kill, Edward and Bella begin listing the best nights of their lives. They don't mention $1 hot dog night at the bowling alley, so I'm assuming that was a bigger deal to me than to others.
Bella says one of her favorites was the night they flew home from Italy. You remember that night, right? It was just after Bella and Edward let a few dozen innocent people die in the Volturi's death chamber. That truly was a magical, romantic evening…as the Volturi slaughtered their victims, one of whom was probably a sweet young girl who came to Italy to live with her aunt after her parents were killed in a war. Ah, romance…
Edward agrees that that night was indeed precious, but one of his favorite nights was two days ago, when Bella agreed to marry him. And this is what sets off a series of inexplicable events. I dare you to find the logic in what happens next. I double dog dare you. No. Strike that. I double moose dare you! (Moose are just big dogs, right? Why am I even asking? Of course I'm right.)
First, Wolf Jacob howls in agony. It turns out he's been listening to this entire conversation outside the tent. He didn't know that Bella was engaged, and the news shocks him so much that he screams.
Let's stop here. Why is Jacob eavesdropping? I'd like to remind everyone that there's a war going on with the evil vampires. A war! A war that we've been waiting to see for the past 512 pages. A war with evil vampires we're told are so dangerous that the only way to defeat them is by using Jasper's patented "Move Sideways" technique. A war that Edward refused to participate in because Bella was sad. A war that can only be won if Jacob fights. Yeah…remember that war?
So if this big important war is happening within the hour, why would Jacob take time to sit around the tent spying? It's not as if he suspected Edward was going to reveal a big secret. What did Jacob hope to learn?
BELLA: I love you.
EDWARD: I'm going to get Jacob a new basketball pump for his birthday. Don't tell him. It's a surprise.
BELLA: I love you.
EDWARD: And just between you and me, I cried at the end of 101 Dalmatians and 102 Dalmatians.
WOLF JACOB: [snicker]
EDWARD: Did you hear that?
BELLA: I love you.
And if there was a big secret that Jacob hoped to learn, he would have learned it anyway through Seth. Seth is right there, in wolf form, hearing everything. This means that Jacob is hearing everything too, because werewolves, like two-thirds of the monsters in this book, have convenient brain powers. That noise you hear is my nonsense alarm beeping, along with my confusion bell ringing and my pizza horn honking. (Pizza is ready!)
Jacob shouldn't waste time like this. He should be gearing up for battle, sharpening his crossbow arrows, priming the engine on his jetpack, and, above all else, stretching.
Do you know why Napoleon lost the battle of Waterloo? Moments before it began, he was eavesdropping on this girl he liked, instead of stretching. During the battle, he cramped up and thus lost the war. If your history teacher calls me a liar, it's only because your history teacher is afraid of the truth.
This scene doesn't add up. So right away, I'm throwing the book across the room in anger. But it gets worse. Let's move on to Jacob's scream.
Jacob loves Bella, and the news that she is going to marry Edward must have been hard to hear. But he wouldn't cry out in horror. He might grunt in disapproval, or grumble. But the book says Jacob let loose an "earsplitting howl of pain."
Unrequited love would NOT cause Jacob to scream. I can't think of anyone who would scream like that unless they were being dipped in acid as they watched Wild Hogs. Jacob is tough. He's rugged. I don't call him The Thunder because he cries like a baby. I call him The Thunder because he's a force of nature.
This scream is out of character. Maybe in the next chapter we'll learn that Emmett loves math more than kickboxing, and Mike Newton isn't a serial killer. I think Ms. Meyer needed a way to weaken Jacob and make him vulnerable. Her choices were either A) force him to scream like an over-dramatic donkey, or B) make him wear Hello Kitty socks with pom-poms.
I could almost understand Jacob's yelp if this were the first time he was learning about Bella and Edward's love. But Jake spent last night listening to Edward go on and on about how great it is being forever buddies with Bella. Plus, Jacob already knew Bella planned on becoming a vampire. So why is Jake screaming like a teething baby now? This is old news.
EDWARD: Hey Jake, just so you know, I love Bella and she loves me.
JAKE: That's cool. Whatever.
BELLA: And I'm going to spend eternity with Edward and not you.
BELLA: Edward and I like each other a whole lot.
JAKE: Noooooooooo! Agh! Ragh! Agh! Noooooooo! No no no! Noooooo! Wha! Wha!
If Jake screams like this about love, I'd hate to see what happens when he hits his funny bone.
So Jacob yells, and now Bella feels horrible that he found out about the engagement this way. She wants to run out and apologize and talk to him. But Edward says Jake is already miles away, and it wouldn't help the war if Bella got herself lost in the woods looking for him.
Hey Ed, do you know what would help win the war? If you left Bella and actually joined the fight, you wishy-washy emo dork-nugget.
Edward offers to go find Jacob and bring him back to camp so Bella can talk to him face to face. And again, I'm hurling this book across the room with so much force I fear the book may permanently bond with the wall on a molecular level.
This is beyond foolish. It's boolish. There is a war happening. Jacob needs to fight in the war. Jacob wants to fight in the war. But because Bella is sad, Edward is going to stop Jacob from participating and drag him back to the tent just so Bella can talk about her feelings. People are about to die, you boolish, boolish dork-nuggets!
As Bella waits for Eddie to return with Jacob, she passes the time by looking at Wolf Seth, who I suspect is thinking, "I can't believe these people are wasting time talking about love when my family members are probably going to be murdered."
For a few pages, her mind wanders. My mind wanders too as I think to myself: I look at birds and wonder what it's like to fly. Do birds look at me and wonder what it's like to use scissors? Probably. Probably…
Edward and Jacob return. Edward needs to talk with Seth about some new information regarding the battle, leaving Bella alone to talk with Jake. Jake isn't in the mood, and says he needs to go soon to join the fight. Finally, someone makes sense.
Bella apologizes for…um…I don't really know. Why did she call Jacob back from the battle? She basically says, "I'm sorry that I love Edward and that you know about it." Why did she need to talk to him right now? Couldn't this have waited? Did I mention there is a war about to happen? Jake needs to stretch. Does no one care about proper muscle health?
Bella calls herself a rotten person. She says, "I'm sorry I've been so selfish." Hey Bella, you know what else is selfish? Making a strong warrior leave a battle just so you can chit-chat and feel better about yourself. I hate Bella.
She admits that she wasn't being fair to Jacob and his feelings, and to make things better, she will leave and Jacob will never need to see her again. That's her apology? She's going to make Jacob feel better by cutting him out of her life? Yeesh. If Jacob came to Bella with a head cold, she'd probably heal him by running over his foot with her truck.
And then things become even more unbelievable. Jacob says that Bella shouldn't be the only one willing to make a sacrifice, and he says that during the battle he will kill himself heroically, thus solving all their problems.
At least, I think that's what Jake says. It's so hard to make sense of this conversation because Ms. Meyer tiptoes around major details like some lousy poet who thinks it's more artistic and fancy if you allude to events than if you actually mention them.
So instead of Jake saying, "I will commit suicide," he says, "There's a pretty serious fight brewing down there. I don't think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture."
When I first read it, I didn't know if this meant Jacob was going to:
Leave the fight to stay with Bella.
Leave everyone, even his family.
Take a photo and digitally erase himself from it.
But after reading this exchange a few times, it's clear that if Jacob can't have Bella, he'd rather die in battle than live knowing Bella will marry a vampire.
Bella begs him to reconsider suicide, and offers to do anything to save Jacob's life. Anything! Quick, Jacob, ask for a skateboard. No, wait! Ask for some money and a skateboard…and pizza…and a PlayStation 3...and a Slurpee machine that never breaks…and a bucket, because you can always use a bucket, and some more money!
Instead, Jacob wants a kiss. (sigh) And Bella agrees. (double sigh)
Kids, leave the room. The chapter becomes extremely PG-13 at this point.
Jacob's kiss makes Edward's kisses look like handshakes. He goes in with all gusto, grabbing her hair and wrist as he plants a big wet one on her mouth. There's so much passion and lust in these four pages that even though their clothes remain intact, I'm pretty sure Bella became pregnant.
At first, Bella doesn't kiss back. After a while, she fights him off, trying to send Jacob the message that the kiss is over. And then…she gives in to wanton desire and kisses him with all her might. There's rubbing, and nuzzling, and you can almost hear a soulful 70's song playing in the background. It's by far the hottest scene in this book series.
It's also the most hilarious thanks to this gem of a mind-thought from Bella as she finally realizes she loves Jacob:
"His pain had always been and would always be my pain - now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain."
Sorry. I'm going to need a minute here. I'm laughing so hard that no noise is coming from my mouth. I think the laugh is at such a high pitch that it's upsetting the neighborhood dogs and bats. And now I'm crying with laughter…that is also happiness and somehow also pain, but a pain that is also the joy of happiness mixed with other pain.
Quick. Give me a tattoo needle and some aspirin. I want this quote permanently injected into the back of my hand so that I whenever I'm sad, I need only look down in order to double over with laughter.
Phew. Anyway, after the kiss, Jacob is about to leave, but gives Bella a second, more delicate kiss. And then Jacob returns to the battle. And if you didn't say to yourself, "Daaaaamn!" after this chapter, you're lying.
Glowers: 0 (Book Total 14)
Murmurs: 6 (Book Total 74)
Jacob is fighting in the battle. Minutes later, he feels a tap on his shoulder.
EDWARD: Hey Jake.
JACOB: What's up? Is there a problem?
EDWARD: Sort of. Bella wants to talk to you again.
JACOB: But the war…
EDWARD: Yeah, I know. But she's being double-sad. I hate to see her like this.
Jacob and Edward go back to camp.
BELLA: Jacob! I need to talk to you.
JACOB: Are you OK?
BELLA: Yep. I wanted you to know that I like you as a friend.
JACOB: Um…great. Listen, I need to get back to the fight. Quil was just murdered. It's not looking good.
BELLA: [Annoyed] Fine. Whatever.
Jacob leaves. Moments later, Edward taps his shoulder again and takes him back to Bella.
JACOB: This better be important. The bad vampires have Embry and Esme surrounded. Jasper is dead. And Sam had his arm torn off.
BELLA: Do you like corn on the cob, or off the cob? I like corn off the cob. I wanted you to know that.
BELLA: Because corn on the cob is fun to eat, but then you get all those corn pieces in your teeth.
BELLA: I like peas. Do you like peas?
Jacob just walks away. He returns to the battle and sees that the bad vampires have slaughtered everyone, including all the citizens of Forks. As he stares at the carnage, a single tear falls from his eye while an evil vampire stabs him in the chest with a broken rusty pipe. Jacob falls to the ground. As he dies, he sees Edward approaching.
EDWARD: Bella wants to talk to you.
EDWARD: I'm not going to carry you. That'd be weird. You'll need to crawl up the mountain.
At the campsite.
BELLA: I think Ben Stiller is a pretty good actor, given the right role. I wanted you to know that.
BELLA: I hope we can still be friends after you die.
BELLA: Where does your tail go when you turn back into a human?
We think birds must wonder what it's like to be as hilarious as Dan Bergstein.