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Blogging Eclipse: Part 17

Blogging Eclipse: Part 17

Chapter Seventeen: Alliance
Better Title: Smarty Throws a Party

It's party time at the Cullen house as Bella arrives to help get things ready for the graduation jamboree. Edward quickly grabs Bella and kisses her passionately. Uh-oh. That can't be good. Edward never spontaneously locks lips with Bella. His kisses have always been prefaced with endless talk of passion, danger, and non-weddings. Something's up.

We know why Edward is being more obsessive than usual. Bella told him that the vampire army is after her. (Please see the last blog for 2,000 words on why everyone should have already figured this out.) Now Edward is acting like it's the last day on Earth, and if not for the party, he would probably spend the night in his room, crying and listening to Beck's "Sea Change," which is the most depressing album ever made.

Alice is getting the house ready with colorful lights and music. Bella tells us it looks less like the home of vampires than like a nightclub. Because Alice is so bloody perfect, charming, and sticky sweet, she has already taken care of everything, and there is nothing left for Bella to do but sit around and describe Alice's leather pants.

Edward searches for Jasper and Carlisle because he needs to tell them the shocking news about the vampire army. You'd think Alice would have already said something to Carlisle about the army of vampires that is coming for Bella, but she was obviously way too busy picking out music, hanging party streamers, and changing into her leather slacks.

After hearing the news, Carlisle and Jasper are concerned, and instead of making fruit punch with Alice, they try to come up with a way to stop the army. Not to worry, fellas. I've already come up with a plan.

First, change Bella into a vampire. Then…well, that's about it. Changing Bella should pretty much solve all the problems. Or, you could make an elaborate plan that involves fights, alliances, and melodramatic speeches about destiny. It's your call.

The doorbell rings, and Bella's guests begin to arrive. Jessica is there. Mike Newton too. Conner shows up (yay!), with Lee and someone named Samantha. In fact, the entire house quickly fills up with guests. When did Bella make so many friends? I guess everyone came because they wanted to check out the mysterious Cullen homestead. I would go to the party, too. I've always wanted to see a vampire house. But I would probably spend all night updating Twitter with messages such as:

9:30: Party is lame. House is fancy. Lots of fancy books in Carlisle's office. I want one.
9:37: OMG Just saw Emmett. #DanSawEmmett
9:39: This house only has one bed. The Cullens are sex perverts.
9:40: Who the hell is Samantha? She keeps talking to me, as if I know her. #skank
9:55: Stole one of Carlisle's fancy books.
10:03: Justin Bieber is a tool. #JustinBieber
10:05: Think I broke one of Jasper's Civil War models. Oopsies!
10:09: Jasper is crying.
10:12: Party sucks. Going to Taco Bell w/ Samantha.

Bella is shockingly sociable at her party and seems to be having a good time. Emmett is there too. Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, what size shoes do you wear? I wear size 11. Maybe we could be shoe buddies? You know how to reach me, shoe buddy.

As Bella chats with guests, Edward keeps his arm around her in a strange, protective manner. Wouldn't a leash be more efficient, Eddie? He then picks up a mind-thought from Alice and skips away.

Bella tries to follow him, but he's too fast. From across the room, she can see he is talking to Alice, and they both looked frightened. Either Alice had a vision of the vampire army, or Marshmallow Mike just puked all over Carlisle's antique crucifix.

Edward darts away, and Alice intercepts Bella. Bella watches Edward as he "turned and disappeared into the shadows under the stair." That's where Harry Potter lives!

The doorbell rings. It's the werewolves. And this entire book becomes interesting for the very first time.

Jacob is at the door with Quil and Embry. They're here to eat the vampires, right? This is how the story ends, right? And the next few chapters are about the werewolves doing karate, right? And Breaking Dawn isn't a book at all, but a spy-gear catalogue, right? Right? *sigh*

The werewolves did not come to eat vampires. They came to party. Well, Jacob came to party. I'm not sure why Quil and Embry came. Lady trouble, I presume. I bet Embry's imprint-buddy wanted to watch Gossip Girl, and Quil's imprint-buddy was busy learning about the world by putting objects into her mouth. The guys needed a night out.

Whatever the reason, I'm glad they showed up. But Bella isn't too thrilled, and doesn't want Jacob there at all. I was really hoping Jacob would says, "Let me in," and Bella would say, "Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin." And then Jacob would blow down the house. By the way, how exactly does a wolf blow down a house? And is the moral of The Three Little Pigs "work hard," or is it "have brothers"? I never understood that story.

Jacob acts casual and reminds Bella that she invited him a few chapters ago. She says the punch to the face was her way of uninviting him. Jacob says he came to give her. He continues to talk as Bella looks around for Edward. She doesn't care about Jacob right now. She wants to know what Alice's secret vision foretold.

Jake apologizes for the Kiss-pocalypse. (Perhaps my talk with him did some good.) He admits that he misread Bella's feelings, and is deeply sorry he force-kissed her. (By the way, my erotic Star Wars novella entitled "Force Kissing" is still looking for a publisher. Let me know if you're interested.)

Bella accepts the apology (a bit too quickly if you ask me) and demands her present. He gives her a bracelet with a wooden wolf charm he carved himself. It's nice. I'd rather have a PlayStation 3 or a rocket sled, but a wolf charm would be my third choice. I need a new charm, anyway. I'm tired of my cupcake charm, and my Robocop charm is tarnished.

Bella likes the gift, and it seems that she and Jacob are back to being BFFs. I hope my former BFF doesn't think this trick will work on me. It'll take much more than a wolf charm to win me back, Gwen Stefani. (She knows what she did.)

Jacob notices that Bella is distracted, and wants to know what's up. She doesn't want to tell him, because she is an unhelpful weirdo.

Finally, she lets him know that some bad vampires in Seattle are up to no good. It took Bella and the Cullens about ten chapters to realize the evil vampires in Seattle are connected to the e-vamp that crept into Bella's room. It takes Jacob less than a sentence to say, "Is this about the bloodsucker in your room?"

Bella says yes, but she needs to find out more details before going any further. Quil and Embry walk over, and the three werewolves stare Bella down until she coughs up the information. She says seeing the three werewolves like this "was a little bit funny, but mostly menacing." When I die, I'd like that quote on my tombstone. Thank you.

Alice sees that Bella is being cornered by three werewolves, and intervenes. There's a standoff. Alice wants to talk to Bella privately, but Jacob wants to hear the news. Jasper pops up and looks ready for a fight. Jacob stands his ground and says he and the other wolves have a right to know what's going down. I told you things would get interesting.

There is some glowering and glaring, but finally the vampires realize that the werewolves might be able to help. So Alice speaks freely, telling Bella and the wolves that the vampire army is leaving Seattle and heading towards Forks, on the hunt for Bella.

Jasper is freaking out. He knows they don’t have enough family members to fight off an army of vampires. Bella offers to run away, but Alice says that won't help. Why not? The Cullens are stinking rich. They could send Bella to a deserted island until this blows over. Or give her plane tickets and let her fly around the earth for a few weeks while Emmett and Jacob wipe out Victoria's army. (I'm 100% sure that Victoria is behind this, and 120% sure that Emmett and Jacob could defeat her.)

Jacob asks if there are too many vampires for the Cullens to handle, and Jasper bridles. That's right. He bridles. You don't use the word "bridle" often? I use it all the time. I find it helps me vacillate.

Anyway, Jasper bridles and says, "We have a few advantages, dog." Dude! Jasper! Why are you mad at Jacob? Why must you go and bridle? Why do any of the Cullens hate the werewolves? Aside from the unwanted kiss, the wolves have done nothing wrong. Jasper, you tried to eat Bella. Remember that? I do. If anyone should be bridling, it should be Jacob…or a horse owner.

The old werewolves were killed by vampires. If Jacob said, "I'm not going to help you vampires because your species killed my great-great grand pappy," I would understand. But the werewolves are offering to help. Jacob is taking the high road. And Jasper responds by calling him a dog? Maybe I missed the chapter where Jasper's entire family was massacred by werewolves, or the story of how Jasper once got a speeding ticket from a werewolf.

Ugh. I hate the Cullens (except Emmett).

Jacob decides to help out, and this decision seems to mess up Alice's vision, because she suddenly acts like her TV reception was cut off. Now she doesn't know what the future holds. She acts like a little brat, sarcastically saying, "Excellent."

That's it. Alice is my least favorite character, even worse than Bella, Edward, and schizophrenic Jessica. I'm taking Alice off my Christmas Card list, and my Easter Card list, and she won't be getting a Flag Day present from me either, or any Arbor Day Pie.

Because the Cullens are outnumbered, they reluctantly accept help from the werewolves. Jacob says they need to make a plan. Bella hates the idea of the werewolves fighting, because she's still under the impression that the werewolves are meek little flowers who will break in half if so much as a gentle breeze touches their downy soft fur. Bella's loony. She screams at Jacob, saying if he fights he will be killed. And all three werewolves laugh majestically.

Quil asks how many vampires they're up against, and Alice says it's about twenty. The number keeps changing for a mysterious reason that Alice refuses to tell us now. Great idea, Alice. Now is the perfect time to withhold information. You're so clever.

The werewolves and the vampires agree to meet at 3 a.m. ten miles away. Why don't they just meet at the Cullen house? Wouldn't they be safer in the fortress? And why are they meeting later tonight? I just looked on Google maps, and Seattle is a three-hour car ride away from Forks. If the vampire army can run faster than a car, shouldn't they be at Bella's house in about twenty minutes? Shouldn't the Cullens and the werewolves stop the party and rush out the door to save the world?

Bella once again begs Jacob not to fight. But Jacob is like a firework. Once he's lit, you just brace yourself for the 'splosion.

Glowers: 1 (Book total 12)
Murmurs: 4 (Book total 44)

Prediction:
The party continues.

BELLA: Shouldn't we tell everyone to go home, and lock the doors because a vampire army is coming?
ALICE: Don't be stupid, Bella. This is your graduation party. You should enjoy it, you goof!
BELLA: But…the army of vampires is coming. They will kill people. I really think the guests should leave.
ALICE: Not yet, silly. You need to enjoy these human experiences. Go dance.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] It's no use! We're outnumbered! [CRIES]
BELLA: I don’t really feel like dancing. Everyone I know is going to be murdered.
ALICE: But I planned this entire party. There's even mozzarella sticks. Do you know how long it took me to make mozzarella sticks?
BELLA: I appreciate it, Alice. Really, I do. I just think we should warn everyone so they won't, you know, die.
ALICE: Party Pooper.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] We're all going to die! This is the end! This is the end of everything!

[MEANWHILE QUIL AND EMBRY CHAT UP SOME OF BELLA'S FRIENDS]

QUIL: The key to cliff diving is to dive through the water in one clean motion.
SAMANTHA: That's so cool.
QUIL: My girlfriend can't wait to try it. But she's a bit young right now.
SAMANTHA: How old is your girlfriend?
QUIL: She's two.
SAMANTHA:
QUIL: But she's tall for her age.

More imagined dialogues and recaps await you here.

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging eclipse, books we luv to hate

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