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The Auntie SparkNotes Guide to Prom, Part 3: The Ask, Purely Platonic

By kat_rosenfield

March 4, 2010

Welcome to the next installment of the definitive SparkNotes guide to PROM! By now, you should have selected a potential date and started formulating a plan for asking him or her to the big event—and Auntie is here to help, with Part 3: Asking a Non-Crush. (Those looking for information on asking a crush to the prom should return to Part 2 for detailed instruction.)

First, the good news: Asking a friend to the prom rather than pinning your hopes on an iffy romantic interest is a great way to take the guesswork and anxiety out of the whole prom equation. After all, there's something to be said for a date who's guaranteed to think you're fun, laugh at your jokes, chat with you easily while you goof around on the dance floor, and forgive you in a snap if you happen to puke in the parking lot after eating a deadly combination of chicken and mystery sauce.

The bad news? Because prom—and the process of finding a prom date—is so emotionally loaded, a mishandling of even your most platonic potential date can land you in a quagmire of miscommunication, hurt feelings, and a busted friendship that never quite regains its original lustre. So, before you haul off and ask your BFF (or your second-best casual acquaintance) to the prom, please review and follow these general guidelines to ensure that the entire process goes as smoothly as possible.

Step 1: Preparation
If you're asking a friend to the prom, presumably you won't be in the awkward position of never having had a meaningful conversation with him or her before. However, you'll still want to at least mention the subject of prom once or twice before you dive in and ask your friend to be your date, lest it turn out that he or she is otherwise engaged, or has a long-distance S.O. who's prone to fits of jealousy over even the most platonic of extracurricular engagements. Prior to popping the question, ask your friend whether he or she is planning to attend the prom and/or already has a date.

DO
* Be casual and comfortable. Visible nervousness can be endearing to your crush, but your friend will be freaked out at the sight of you stuttering and getting all sweaty.

DON'T
* Be shocked or upset if you say, "Any prom updates?," and your friend immediately confesses that he's been trying to work up the nerve to ask his crush.

Step 2: Setting
While a friends-only date request doesn't require the privacy or formality of a romantic one, you should still avoid any asking scenario that might make your askee feel pressured or awkward. The ideal setting for a platonic prom ask is casual and comfortable; you don't want to weird him or her out with an overreaching romantic gesture, but you also don't want to make a request so ambiguous that it leaves your askee confused or insulted.

DO
* Approach your askee when you'll have a reasonable amount of time to talk.
* Be polite; just because it's not a formal romantic date doesn't mean you've got free reign to be rude.
* Act natural and normal.

DON'T
* Corner your askee in front of a whole bunch of people. Even a just-friend won't want to accept or decline a date in front of an audience.
* Go in armed with flowers, chocolate, or romantic poetry, which will confuse your askee about your intentions.
* Overcompensate by being too informal or flippant. Trying to get her attention by hurling a Gatorade at her head and shouting, "PROM-A-LAMA-DING-DONG!" is not acceptable.

Step 3: Ask
The actual act of asking a pal to the prom is where the vast majority of friendship-ruining screwups occur. Your well-intentioned proposal can be mistaken for a romantic advance, freaking out your askee so badly that she withdraws from the friendship entirely (or worse, takes it as evidence that her long-standing secret love for you is finally being returned). And on the other hand, if you're too flip and disinterested, your askee will feel like a choice of last resort. Proceed with caution!

DO
* Be explicit about the just-friends status of your proposal, so there's no misunderstanding. ("It would awesome if we went on a friend-date to the prom!")
* Mention the complimentary reasons you'd like to attend prom with your friend ("I think it'd be a blast to hang out in formalwear for a change"/"I wanted to go with someone who appreciates the fact that I can't dance to save my life.")
* Be positive about your desire for a platonic date; even if your askee is just a friend, she should feel like you genuinely want to go with her.

DON'T
* Tell your friend you're asking him because the five other people you asked turned you down.
* Ask someone you know has more-than-friendly feelings for you. No matter how much you emphasize the "just-friends" aspect, he'll secretly hope that you really want more.
* Ask a pal to be your prom date if you intend on ditching him at the dance in order to pursue your crush. That's rude. And if you feel you must do this, you're better off going in a group.