Chapter Sixteen: Epoch
Better Title: E-Rock Is Alive!
Who cares what happens in this chapter. E-Rock is back! He's not dead. In fact, he's Forks High School's valedictorian. Way to go, E-rock. It's so nice to see you. Don't scare me like that again. I want you to have fun, but if you're going to go missing for a few dozen chapters or an entire book, please call or write a note. I worry so much.
Before heading to graduation, Bella must decide what to wear. She would really like to wear the red blouse, but it was stolen by Vict…er, I mean…a mysterious vampire. Alice pops into her room and gives Bella a new top to wear.
Alice says the gift is her way of apologizing. You may recall that a few chapters ago, a mysterious vampire snuck into Bella's room, and Alice feels bad for not seeing a vision of the e-vamp. Gee. That's really swell of you, Alice. Your powers failed to protect Bella, almost killing her, and you make it up to her by buying a blue blouse? I bet if Alice accidentally killed Charlie with her Porsche, she would buy Bella a nice vanilla body lotion gift set, the kind that comes in a handy shower bag. Maybe even a bracelet too. She's so thoughtful.
But enough about Alice. We're approaching the biggest What-The-Hell moment of this book. Yes, even more disturbing than learning that Quil dates a preschooler. Even more confusing than Jacob's sudden desire to be a slimy, gross ladies' man. Even more frustrating than Emmett's lack of scenes and swords.
While thinking about Alice and the stolen blouse, Bella has the shocking, mind-bending realization that the Seattle vampires are somehow connected to the vampire who stole her blouse.
Really? She's figuring this out now? Boy, I'd love to use a swear word here. I'll save it for the Unrated Blogging Eclipse: Part 16 (which will also include an unnecessary locker room scene and more fart jokes).
What's worse than this dumb realization is that Bella is treated as the world's greatest detective for coming up with it. She first tells Alice, who is taken aback by the news. What the hell is going on here? Alice reeeeeallly didn't think that the Seattle vampires were related to the mysterious e-vamp? But…why? And…ARGH!
If Belly was on the Titanic, after the ship sank and everyone was dying in the cold water, she would say, "Hey, I wonder if the iceberg had anything to do with this." And Alice would scream, "Oh my gosh! You're right! If we live through this, I'm going to buy you a new shirt."
How is this possible? How? How did no one connect the dots? Alice's powers are wonky. Fine. Whatever. I've already written too much about dumb Alice and her crummy, dumb powers. But anyone could see that the vampire who took Bella's clothing is working with the Seattle vampires. Heck, I bet Quil's girlfriend figured this out while watching Dora the Explorer and eating a Go-Gurt.
And to top it all off, no one in this entire flipping chapter brings up Victoria. It's like they forgot all about her. She's behind this! You morons! You idiots! How can you not see this? And why didn't you stop Victoria two books ago?
Of course, if it turns out that Victoria is innocent, I will offer an apology, and write a poem about being wrong. I will also eat an entire olive, and you know my feelings on olives. That's how certain I am that Victoria is the villain.
Alice tries to deal with the shocking news. The pieces fit. It takes a few confusing paragraphs for Bella to explain this, and I'm not sure I understood it correctly, but this seems to be the gist: The e-vamps are after Bella. And who would be after Bella besides Victoria? It must be her…or Mike Newton.
Bella is glad that the army is after her instead of the Cullens, because she hates the thought of her favorite vampires being hurt. Alice says that this changes nothing, and the Cullens will continue to protect Bella at all costs. It's another bombshell: The Cullens are going to save Bella. Wow. My jaw is on the floor with shock. (Kidding. My jaw is on the floor because of the glue.)
Just then Charlie knocks on the door and reminds Bella that if she doesn't hurry, they will be late for graduation. Before leaving, Alice says that Edward shouldn't know about this startling revelation because if he found out that Bella was in danger, he would freak.
Wasn't Bella already in danger for that past 945 chapters? Hasn’t Victoria been after her for months and months? And didn't a mysterious vampire sneak into Bella's room a week ago? Why would Edward react any differently now? We knew Bella was in danger. She's always in danger. I even wrote a joke about it.
Q: How many Bellas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A lot. Because she's always in danger.
Edward arrives and they all head off to graduation. Ed senses that Bella is nervous about something, but isn't sure what's going on because he's an absolute fool. Bella says she's just nervous about graduation. At the school, Charlie gives a mushy parental speech about how his little girl is growing up, and then Edward and Bella go into gym.
Inside, Jessica waves to Bella and won't shut up about how much she will miss her and all the good times they had. This is odd, since Jessica became evil in the last book. I was expecting her to lure Bella into some sort of bucket-of-pig's-blood type trap. But that doesn't happen. It seems that Jessica simply became a different character altogether. Neat. Maybe Bella will change too, and become less sad and whiny, and more bold and tough like the blue woman from Avatar, or Miss Piggy.
Bella zones out as Jessica chatters, and thinks about how her human life is coming to an end. And then E-rock returns! We don't get to hear his speech, because rude Bella is too busy thinking about Edward. But I bet his speech was geeky and awesome. Instead of quoting Benjamin Franklin or Dr. Seuss (which is what every graduation speaker does), E-rock probably made references to LOST and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.
Alice is lying low during the ceremony because she doesn't want Edward reading her mind and learning that the newborn vampire army is after Bella. So when the principal calls her name, she runs on stage, grabs her diploma, and sneaks away. Why did she go to graduation in the first place? She's graduated a dozen times. Maybe she really likes flat hats and speeches about opportunity.
The rest of graduation is a blur for Bella. When it's over, she finds Edward in the crowd. For some weird reason, she decides to tell him about the newborn vampire army's real target. Right here. In a crowd of people. You'd think she would have at least taken him outside. I don't understand the urgency. Bella is in no more danger right now than she was yesterday, or last month. I just don't get it. Perhaps like magnets and Ke$ha's popularity, this chapter is something I shall never understand.
The news shocks Edward, and his mind wanders as he worries for Bella's safety. What the hell is going on? Let's say the newborn vampire army is not connected to Victoria. That still means Victoria is out there, stalking Bella. Bella was already under threat of an attack. But now…for some odd reason…Edward is worried?
GRR! Where's Emmett? If Emmett doesn't show up soon, I'm going to buy a plant, name it Eclipse, and then never water it. Never! And as it dies, I will laugh.
Charlie catches up with the two, and invites Edward to go out to dinner. The worried Edward says he can't go, and storms off, probably thinking of a lullaby that will hurt the newborn vampire army.
By the way, why haven't the Cullens teamed up with the werewolves and gone to Seattle by now? Has Jasper explained how to kill a newborn vampire yet? Is he busy making charts and visual aids? Is the explanation so complex that it needs a Power Point presentation? Does Jasper simply enjoy waiting for the last moment? What a diva.
Or maybe Jasper doesn't know how to kill newborn vampires and said he did just to get attention. My 7-year-old cousin does this all the time. He once told me he could lift my car. I said he was a liar. And then he tried to lift it. At first it was kind of cute, but he actually lifted it off the ground and over his head. It was amazing. (This may have been a dream.)
So Edward goes off to brood about danger, while Charlie takes Bella out to eat at a place called The Lodge. (This is probably an unintentional Twin Peaks reference, but whenever a lodge is mentioned, it gives me goose bumps. Twin Peaks rules, and was the best show of the 1990s. Suck on that, Seinfeld.)
The restaurant is crowded with graduates and their families. Bella doesn't feel much like eating, and is out the door as soon as Charlie pays the bill. Edward is waiting for her outside, and kisses her. He apologizes for acting so upset about the newborn vampire news, saying, "I can't believe I didn't see it." Me neither.
Can I ask you a question, loyal Sparklers? Did anyone out there think the Seattle vampires and the vampire that stole Bella's blouse were not somehow connected? If so, I would like to talk to you about an investment opportunity in which you give me $1,000 now and once I get money freed up in Nigeria, you will get $1 million in return. If interested, email me at SpammyDanny57839898FreeMoney8FREEMOONEY@emailFreeTime_CashCash.virus.com/mega_virus.
Edward skips away as Charlie approaches. Bella's graduation party is tonight, and Charlie is driving her to the Cullens' house for the festivities. On the way, he talks about parenting. He thinks he should have taught Bella how to throw a punch. He says that she was right to hit Jacob, or anyone who forces a kiss. He tells her to punch him in the stomach next time. It's nice that Charlie is taking a mild interest in his daughter. I wish we saw more of this.
Charlie looks for the hidden road that leads up to the Cullen Compound. Bella says it can be hard to see, and secretly hopes that no one else will find it and that her party will be canceled. But Alice has decorated the trees with bright lights, showing the way.
The chapter ends with Bella telling us, "With a sigh, I marched up the stairs to endure my party." Oh boo-hoo. Stop playing the victim, you spoiled brat. Some people don't get graduation parties. I mean, I had one. It was awesome! (Won't get into specifics, but my knee still hurts when it rains.) But others aren't so lucky.
Glowers: 0 (Book total 11)
Murmurs: 3 (book Total 40)
The Cullens meet in the ready-room to discuss the situation.
BELLA: And so I think maybe the vampires in Seattle are the same vampires that stole my clothes.
CARLISLE: Genius! You're a bloody genius!
BELLA: I also think that when my body runs out of water, it makes me thirsty for water.
ESME: You should be a scientist!
EDWARD: What should we do about this situation? Wait for a few weeks? Stand around talking about our past? Because if that's what it takes, I'll do it. See, once upon a time I had a bad case of the flu and so Carlisle—
EMMETT: We need to go kill these vampires. They need to ride the Pain Train. [FLEXES HIS MUSCLES]
CARLISLE: But we can't. We don't know how. Jasper needs to—
JASPER: [YELLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM] I'm not ready yet! My charts aren't finished, the glue is drying weird, and now I'm out of glitter. Mom? Do we have any glitter? Silver glitter? None of that gold crap.
ESME: Check the junk drawer, dear.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom, can you check? Mom? Mooooom? Glitter?
ESME: Why can't you check, love?
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Because I'm coloring!
ALICE: Wait. I'm getting a vision. Someone will…do something…and…there's a man, or maybe a potato? Bella, do you know any men or potatoes that hate you?
EMMETT: Uh-oh. I think the Pain Train is leaving soon. Destination, Seattle. [FLEXES MUSCLES]
JASPER: [FROM OTHER ROOM] Mom!? Is Emmett making fun of my scars?
ESME: No, honey. No one is making fun of your scars.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Yes he is! I know he is. He's always making fun of my scars! I hate him! I hate this family! I want to drink Bella's blood.
ESME: Jasper, honey. We talked about that, remember?
ROSALIE: Why would a vampire want…her? Like, eww.
EMMETT: By the way, I call my arms the Pain Train. And they depart every hour, on the hour. Because that's what's up. [STARES AT EDWARD]
CARLISLE: Emmett's right. We should probably go to Seattle soon.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] But I told you! I'm not ready! The charts aren't done, and I need to cut out more picture from magazines! And all our magazines are stupid. I hate them!
EDWARD: Hmm. Who is behind this vampire army?
CARLISE: I have no idea.
ESME: It could be anyone.
ROSEALIE: It's a real mystery.
EMMETT: Whoever it is, I shall give them a non-transferable ticket to ride the Pain Train.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom? Is Emmett talking about my scars? My scars are not my fault, Emmett. I'm pretty on the inside! Tell him, mom. Tell him I'm pretty on my insides!
BELLA: Um…maybe Victoria is behind all this?
EDWARD: Oh Bella, you're such a total moron.
EMMETT: Pain Train!
Meanwhile, the werewolves have already killed Victoria and the newborn vampires. After that, they built an orphanage and organized a food drive. They also cleaned up 13 miles of Highway 87, and stopped four bank robberies.
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