Chapter Fourteen: Declaration
Better Title: Sleepy Jacob is Still Better Than Wide-Awake Edward
Two chapters ago, Edward and Bella needed to skip school and meet with the other vampires because the trouble in Seattle was escalating too quickly. If they didn't act fast, more innocent people would die. It was rather exciting. Well, as exciting as this book can get.
It's now a few days later in Bella's world, and the Cullens are fighting the newborn vampire army in downtown Seattle. Carlisle is attacking the vampires with a machete and a shotgun. Esme and Jasper are protecting the orphanage with baseball bats and pistols. Rosalie is taking out as many vampires as she can with homemade bombs and blow darts. Edward is busy trying to capture the moment in a lullaby. Alice is flying a helicopter/tank into the e-vamps' headquarters. And Emmett is ankle deep in vampire corpses, as he slays them using only brass knuckles and a lawn mower blade. It's amazing! And it's a lie.
While it is a few days later, the urgency flew right out the window so that everyone could sit around and gab about love for another chapter. I think Stephenie Meyer is just doing this to piss me off, hoping that I will quit blogging these books out of frustration and boredom.
It's not going to work, Ms. Meyer. Hurting me this way only makes me want to blog the books harder. I'm like a sleeping polar bear that you tried to kill with a BB gun. You just woke up Dan Bear! (Hmm. That sounds more cute and cuddly than angry and strong. Let me change that.) You just woke up Polar Dan! (No. That sounds like I have mental health issues. Let's start over.) I'm like a sleeping pterodactyl that you tried to wake up with a BB gun. You just woke up…'Dactyl Dan! (That works.)
Bella, Edward, and Alice are back in high school. Alice is once again teasing Bella about her graduation party. Bella asks why they're just sitting around in school when there's evil in Seattle. Edward says they need more good vampires on their side before they go picking a fight with the newborn vampire army. Jasper is trying to find his old vampire buddies Charlotte and Peter, and Edward says those two will probably help out, because if they don't, the Volturi will come, and "nobody wants a visit from Italy." Why not? I don't get it. What's the worst that can happen if the Volturi show up?
ARO: We killed the evil newborn vampire army in Seattle. And then we destroyed that pesky Victoria.
ARO: No sweat.
EDWARD: So you're going to leave now, right?
ARO: Ah yes. But first…I will take a shower in your bathroom and leave armpit hair all over your soap.
EDWARD: Aw man. I knew it was a bad idea bringing you guys here.
MARCUS: Hey, you'll never guess who John Mayer has a crush on. Here's a hint: She's a country superstar!
ARO: Marcus! I told you to wait in the van.
MARCUS: And Tiger Woods really does love his wife.
For whatever illogical reason, no one wants the Volturi to come to America. Why?!? I refuse to continue this blog until someone gives me an answer.
You could argue that Edward doesn't want the Volturi to realize Bella is still human. Fair enough. So change her into a vampire, Mr. No Fun. What's stopping you?
But aside from that, there is no reason to leave the Volturi out of this mess. It's their job to intervene when vampire matters get out of hand, and I would think an army of newborn vampires killing people in Seattle qualifies as an emergency.
So until you give me a good reason, we're just going to stay right here. I'm not going to blog another thing about this book.
While we're waiting, does anyone want to hear about the time I had tea with Moby? A few years ago, I went to Moby's tea shop in Manhattan to interview him about his new line of iced teas. The trouble with most bottled teas, said Moby, is that they are too sweet and syrupy. The End.
Gosh, that story sucked. Maybe I should continue blogging this chapter.
Bella is worried that Charlotte and Pete will try to eat her, since these two are not vegetarian vampires like the Cullens. Alice says, "They're friends. Everything's going to be fine." Oh really? Your "vegetarian" forever buddy Jasper tried to kill Bella a few months ago, causing everyone to freak out. And now you're going to push smelly Belly right under the noses of two carnivorous vampires?
If you look up "illogical" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Alice and Edward. (This only applies to my dictionary, which I have illustrated. Look up "awesome," and you'll see a picture of a werewolf. Look up "deceased," and you'll see a picture of E-rock. Look up "rhetorical," and you'll see a picture of a boomerang, because I didn't know how to draw "rhetorical.")
Edward says they should be able to launch an attack in a week. A week? In Twilight-time, that's like five books from now. The series does end with Breaking Dawn, right? If I get to the end of Breaking Dawn and Ms. Meyer publishes a fifth book in the series, I might cry. And when I cry, it's not a little sniffle. It's a low, depressed, moaning cry. Like a sad whale mixed with a Sasquatch's yelp. Trust me. You don't want to see that. [ed note: don't worry. We'll force him to blog whatever S. Meyer writes. We have our ways. ("our ways" = money and asking really nicely and possibly throwing temper tantrums until he says yes.)]
Bella once again suggests that she be turned into a vampire and help fight this army. Alice doesn't think this is a good idea because Bella wouldn't be ready to fight. She would be too wild and crazy. So the cast members of The Jersey Shore are also newborn vampires? (SNAP! Someone brought their A-game. And that someone…is me! Snap-a-lap-a-ding-dong!)
Alice goes back to talking about Bella's graduation party, and says Bella's mom won't be able to attend. Later Bella learns that her mom's husband broke his leg, so she can't fly out to Forks.
Hey Victoria, go kidnap Bella's mom, and use her to lure Bella to Florida. Then kill Bella. It almost worked for James. It seems like a logical thing to do, since Bella is protected in Forks. Victoria, if you don't do this, you're an idiot. If I wanted to kill Bella, she would already be dead. I would take one of my "Ways to Kill Bella" journals off my shelf, and blindly pick one entry, such as "Lure Bella to Florida and Kill Her With a Flaming Arrow" or "Lure Bella to Florida and Kill Her With Rocks" or "Lure Bella to Florida and Kill Her With a Well-Trained Ape." See. It's not that hard.
At home, Edward and Bella kiss. Edward says he needs to go hunting before they head into battle. So he will be gone tomorrow, and Emmett, Jasper, and Alice will be babysitting Bella. She isn't too thrilled at the idea, because she says Emmett always teases her. We haven't really seen Emmett tease Bella. Perhaps in Bella's mind, "teasing" means "buying someone a car stereo." Did I mention that I don't like Bella?
Bella suggests that instead of being held hostage by vampires, she should be allowed to visit Jacob in La Push. And Edward doesn’t seem to mind, because now he's really nice and sweet when it comes to Bella hanging out with werewolves. Oh my God! He's not Edward! He's that Terminator made of liquid metal from Terminator 2: Judgment Day! Bella, run! Protect John Conner! Bring down Skynet! No fate!!!
Before going to La Push, Edward explains that newborn vampires are super strong because they are filled with human blood. He also says that Jasper is thinking about "cheating" before the big fight and drinking human blood, which is packed with more super powers and will make a vampire stronger than if he drank chipmunk blood.
This means that Jasper is considering killing a human being. May I remind everyone that the Cullens are meant to be the heroes of this book? This is like Batman saying, "I will save Gotham City, but first I need to drown a few puppies, because drowning puppies makes my back feel slightly better." I loathe vampires. (Except Emmett.)
Bella isn't sure what to think. On one hand, she isn't thrilled with the idea of Jasper killing someone. On the other hand, she is selfish and doesn't care who dies as long as she can tongue kiss Edward.
Bella calls Jacob and they arrange a time for him to pick her up at the werewolf boundary.
As they spot Jacob's car at the werewolf border, Edward tenses up. He must have read something in Jacob's mind. But what? Maybe Jake was having naughty thoughts about Bella. Or maybe he was thinking about letting Bella eat ice cream for dinner, and Edward hates the thought of her having nothing but empty calories.
Edward doesn’t tell Bella what he read in Jake's mind, but he's sure that Jacob will tell her himself. Jacob honks his horn and Bella walks over to his car and rides off to La Push where nothing much happens.
As they sit and watch TV, Jacob zones out and falls asleep. He's been doing double werewolf shifts, only sleeping a few hours a night, as he tries to track down the evil vampire (or vampires). I'd like to point out that while Jacob is working hard, the vampires have been going to high school and planning parties. And you wonder why I'm trying out for Team Jacob? (By the way, at the tryouts, is it OK if my routine is slightly longer than three minutes? I'd really hate to cut anything out. It all flows together so nicely. Let me know. Thanks!)
Jacob asks if there's any news about the e-vamp, and Bella says no. She doesn't tell him that there is an army of newborn vampires in Seattle. Why? I thought the werewolves and the (good) vampires were working together on this. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that Seattle vampires are after Bella for some reason. So why doesn't she tell Jacob the truth?
BELLA: There is an army of newborn vampires in Seattle. They are killing innocent people, and will probably kill me.
JACOB: [SAYS NOTHING. STANDS UP AND LOADS HIS SHOTGUNS AND CROSSBOW]
BELLA: But Edward says we need to wait a week, because…well, I don't really know why. But we should wait, and—
JACOB: [STRIKES THE WEREWOLF GONG, SUMMONING HIS PACK]
BELLA: Um…So you're going to wait for Edward to learn about newborn---
JACOB: Shut up Bella. We got this. [FLIES OFF WITH OTHER WEREWOLVES TOWARDS SEATTLE]
Yeah, Bella did the right thing by lying to Jacob. (sarcasm hand raised)
Jacob falls asleep on the couch, and Bella's mind starts to wander. She thinks about finishing high school, and how one day soon she will be a vampire. She then yammers on about how wonderful it would be if Edward turned her into a vampire instead of Carlisle.
The next two paragraphs of the book are laugh-out-loud hilarious, as Bella tries to tiptoe around the fact that becoming a vampire is akin to loosing one's virginity. If you're ever feeling blue, just read this section of the book. And if you don't at least smirk, then you and I have nothing else to say to each other. There are many wonderful sentences in this part, but I think this one is my favorite:
"I wanted his venom to poison my system."
That same line could work in a death metal song, a poem written by a sad 6th grader, a poorly translated foreign film, or the title of shocking painting. It's not quite as wonderful as, "This is about my soul, isn't it?" But it's going on my list of fun ways to end a conversation before running away.
By the way, had I written this book, I would have changed that line to: "I wanted his mouth parts to be all up in my bid-ness."
She then goes on about how difficult it would be to marry Edward right now, and how she would have to suffer society's evil glare. Blah, blah, blah. We get it Ms. Mey…um, I mean, Bella. You wish high school girls could marry high school guys, because that would be totally fun. But mean America doesn't approve of such relationships. Bella is 18, right? Plenty of 18-year-olds get married. It's not like this is Quil and his rugrat girlfriend Claire making out at the movies. I doubt society would glower and murmur at Bella and Edward's marriage. I think Ms. Meyer is just trying to make a conflict that isn't there.
Jake suggests they go outside, hoping the fresh air will keep him awake. He wants to tell Bella something important, but isn't sure how to bring it up. I was hoping that he would tell her, "I think you're dumb, and once I stole $40 from your purse." Instead, he professes his love for her. I could have sworn he already did this is the last book. Was this meant to be a shock?
Whatever. Bring on the vampire fight!
Glowers: 0 (Book total 10)
Murmurs: 0 (book total 35)
Stephenie Meyer continues to shock the reader by revealing fascinating information during the final paragraphs of the next few chapters.
Chapter 15 ends with Alice saying, "My powers are ridiculous."
Chapter 16 ends with Carlisle saying, "I'm handsome and blonde. Also old."
Chapter 17 ends with Esme saying, "My baby is dead."
Chapter 18 ends with Rosalie proclaiming, "I'm kind of a b-word."
Chapter 19 ends with Angela saying, "Bella treats me like crap, but I don't mind because I'm just a third-tier character who is easily forgettable. I don't even know what my last name is."
Chapter 20 ends with Conner saying, "Who the hell am I?"
Chapter 21 ends with Tanya saying, "Brr. Alaska is cold."
Chapter 22 ends with Mike Newton saying, "I named my bed Bella Swan. What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
And the entire book ends with Bella telling us, "I love Edward. But I also love Jacob. I love Jacob like a brother. I love Edward like a husband….a husband in waiting. And yet, I also love Jacob. But my love for Jacob is more brotherly. Whereas my love for Edward is more passionate, like a lover. However, one must consider that I also love Jacob, even if my love for Jacob is family-oriented. So is Jacob also my lover? Jake is more a friend, really. Edward is someone I love. Also? I love Jacob. Love can be different and difficult. I'm pale."
Dan's previous posts await you here.