Chapter Eleven: Legends
Better Title: The Legend of Smart Air
There are no fireworks at the Werewolf Party. No trucks launching off ramps. No cakes. No dynamite. No rockets. There are no sword fighting tournaments, or chainsaw duels. No one soared in a hot air balloon, jetpack, or stealth helicopter. There may have been a game of kickball, but it was not mentioned, and it's not likely that the game was played with a ball made of fire and spikes. There were no rhinoceroses, not even a baby one. If Weezer was rocking out live on stage, Stephenie Meyers failed to tell us. All in all, the Werewolf Party was rather bland. I've been to banks that were more intense.
I started to suspect that the werewolf party would fail to meet my expectations when the chapter began with Paul and Jacob fighting over a hot dog instead of arguing over who got to drive the hover-truck next.
Jacob lets Paul eat the last hot dog, and Bella finds herself at ease with the group of werewolves. Other party guests include Emily, Billy, Sue Clearwater, Old Quil (which is what I call expired cough medicine), and some kids whose names I forget. Sam's former girlfriend Leah is there too, along with Jared's imprint-buddy Kim. I guess Quil's two-year-old girlfriend couldn't make it because she was busy learning her shapes. Or maybe she's in timeout for getting chocolate on mommy's piano.
Bella notices that it's getting late, and says she better get going. But Jacob stops her, saying, "The best part is coming." At first, I thought this meant someone would bring out the go-karts and Jenga and everyone would play Go-Kart Jenga (I don't really know how one would play Go-Kart Jenga, but I'm dying to find out.) Instead, Billy and Old Quil tell stories for the next 25 pages. During story time, Emily takes detailed notes, which I find odd since werewolf culture is super-secret. I guess they're going to kill Emily later. Poor Emily.
The first story goes something like this:
A long time ago, the Quileute tribe could enter the spirit world, leaving their bodies behind for short periods of time. While in spirit form, they could control the wind, communicate with animals, and…well, that's about all they could do. People who entered the spirit world were called Spirit Warriors. I call them Smart Air, or Smair for short. And now every time a breeze rushes past me, I say, "Hello Smair."
So one day the Quileute guys were being pushed around by a larger tribe. Instead of running away, the Quileute leader named Kaheleha had his army of young dudes transform into a Smair and chat with the nearby wolves and bats, telling the animals to attack and murder the evil invaders. Billy says, "The dogs and bats won." Being killed by dogs and bats is a harsh way to go. I believe that's how James Dean died. So sad.
After the wolf/bat attack, the other neighboring tribes feared the Quileute and no one tried to take over the Quileute land again. With me so far? If you need a snack, go get one now. There are more stories to tell. (And none of them involve robots, FYI.)
OK, so the Quileute guys could become Smart Air, and talk to animals and blow on things. Everything was peachy. As the years passed a new chief took over. His name was Taha Aki, which sounds like a flamboyant man calling something "tacky." Mr. Aki was wise and great and everyone thought he was super cool. Everyone except Utlapa.
Utlapa was a strong spirit warrior, which means, I guess, that when he became Smart Air he could blow really, really hard and talk with animals, really, really well. Utlapa thought the Quileute should use their Smart Air abilities to invade nearby lands. Hmm…someone becoming greedy with power. I wonder how this will end.
When the men were in Smart Air form, they could read each others' minds (Duh. This is Twilight, and everyone that isn't human in Twilight can read minds, even the air.). So when the guys were chilling out as Smart Air, blowing down houses and gabbing with squirrels, they saw that Utlapa was thinking of using his power for evil. The tribe tossed Utlapa out of the group and forbade him from using his Smart Air power.
One day, the chief went out on his usual trip to make sure the tribe was safe. On these trips he would go to a secret place, leave his physical body, and then watch over the tribe as Smart Air. Utlapa spotted Chief Taha Aki and followed him to the secret spot. When Chief Aki became Smart Air and left his body, Utlapa transformed into a Smart Air and jumped into Chief Aki's body. Then he killed his original body so that Smart Air Aki couldn't use it. With me?
So Utlapa was now inside the body of Chief Aki, and the real Chief Aki was stuck as Smart Air. Utlapa used this disguise to trick the members of the tribe. Everyone assumed he was the real Chief, and followed his new rules and regulations. Utlapa used his power for evil. He was ruthless. He was a tyrant. He was vicious!
He took many wives…and…well, that's about the extent of Utlapa's reign of terror. Not exactly the world's most infamous dictator, was he? The villainous Utlapa could have at least started a war or two. Or maybe ordered slaves to build a temple in his honor. Doing anything evil would have been better than simply acting like Tiger Woods. (Second Tiger Woods joke in these blogs. One more and it's a hat trick!)
Meanwhile, the real Chief Aki was stuck in the spirit world, with no way to communicate with his people and tell them the truth. This doesn’t make sense. The dude can talk to animals when he's Smart Air. It's one of two special powers (along with blowing). People are animals with better haircuts. So why couldn't Aki talk to the members of his tribe? Unless…THE QUILEUTE ARE ROBOTS?! No, that would be too awesome. The real reason why he couldn't communicate with humans is…I dunno…let's chalk it up to a prophecy and move on. Cool?
Smart Air Aki moped around the spirit world. A wolf noticed and followed him. And then, the brilliant Smart Air Aki came up with a great plan. He told the wolf, "Hey, shove over. I'm going to posses your body. Make some room in there." (I'm paraphrasing here.)
The wolf didn't seem to mind, and Aki crammed his Smart Air form into the wolf somehow. If I'm going to share the body with an animal, I'd chose one that could use tools, such as monkey, or one that could talk, like a parrot, or a talking falcon.
But Aki chose to posses a wolf. The wolf walked to the village and howled the songs of the tribe. The men realized something was up, and one member of the tribe disobeyed Utlapa's order and entered the spirit world to figure out what was going on. The evil Utlapa came out of his hut and saw that one of the men had turned into Smart Air, so he sliced the throat of the guy who was in the spirit world, thus making sure the secret was kept safe. The wolf (who had Mr. Aki's Smart Air inside it) saw all of this and became so angry and frustrated that it transformed into a man.
Helpful Hint: If you are being attacked by a wolf, piss it off. There could be Smart Air trapped inside the wolf, and if you upset the wolf enough, it may turn into a man, and then you could talk or tickle your way out of trouble.
The other men of the tribe recognized that this man/wolf was their true chief, and that Utlapa had deceived them. Utlapa ran for it, but the wolfman had super strength and killed Utlapa before he got away. Then the werewolf version of Chief Aki became the tribe's leader. No one attempted to become Smart Air ever again, because it was too dangerous.
Years passed, and Chief Aki had many sons. When these boys became old enough, they also had the ability to transform into wolves. And that's the origin of the werewolves.
Bella realizes that the werewolves are all descendants of Chief Aki. According to Billy, some of Aki's sons didn't like being werewolves (morons), and remained in their human form. If a werewolf remained human, he aged normally. But those who changed back and forth between wolf and human stopped aging. Aki was a werewolf and remained the same age for decades, outliving his first and second wife. His third wife was his imprint buddy. He fell for her hard, and decided to stop becoming a wolf so that he would age along with her.
And with that Billy shuts up. And Old Quil begins his story. Let's take a break here. Go to the bathroom if you need to. I'll wait.
Just kidding, I'm totally not waiting! Ha! (Sorry, but the sooner I get this finished, the sooner I will get to Breaking Dawn, where I'm told everything becomes ridiculous. Can't wait!)
Old Quil's story is also about Chief Aki. Years after Aki gave up werewolfing, trouble sprouted in the north. Young women from the Makah tribe were being abducted. The Makah blamed the Quileute, because the Quileute had the supernatural power needed to abduct young women. Hmm…who else loves to creep around innocent young women? Since Mike Newton wasn't born yet, I'll say it's the work of passionate, icky vampires. And I'm right!
But before everyone realized this, Aki sent his werewolf sons to investigate. The vampire killed the werewolves, and left no witnesses. More young women went missing. And once again the werewolves went hunting for the culprit. Of those that went on the hunt, only one badass, amazing werewolf returned. His name is Yaha Uta, but let's just call him Emmett Black.
Emmett Black and his brothers found the vampire drinking the blood of the young women. When the vampire noticed the wolves, a battle ensued. The first wolves to attack were quickly killed by this vampire, whose name was probably Francesco or Giovanni or Ludwig.
But Emmett Black was smart. He and his brother attacked strategically instead of just charging ahead. EB's brother was killed, but when the vampire was busy murdering his sibling, Emmett Black chomped down on the vamp's neck, and as Old Quil put it, "ripped the creature into unrecognizable chunks, tearing pieces apart in a desperate attempt to save his brother."
It's been a while, but I finally found a reason to fist-bump the book again, and not out of frustration or as a way to keep me awake. We haven't seen any werewolf action since the wolves saved Bella from Laurent. And this scene is better because it includes the words "ripped," "chunks," and "tearing."
The good news was that the vampire was killed. The bad news was that Emmett Black was the last werewolf left in the tribe. The lone warrior who had to defend his people from evil. He was their only hope. He was their armor. He was their shield. He was…Emmett "The Hell Hound" Black [CUE SOUND OF THUNDER MIXED WITH A SAD RAIN].
But the dead vampire had a forever buddy, of course. This female vampire, probably named Genevieve or Guinevere or Belladonna, wanted revenge for the death of her lover. Is seeking revenge the only thing evil female vampires do in this book?
This vampire invaded the village and asked a question in a voice that no one could understand (perhaps she had a difficult-to-decipher Scottish accent). The Quileute didn't know how to answer, and the vampire-lady became angry and started killing. Chief Aki came running as his son Emmett Black transformed into a wolf to protect the people. Some of the tribe members ran for their boats, but the vampire swam after them like a shark and killed them.
When she saw the wolf on the shore, she swam towards it. When she was face to fur with Emmett Black, she asked her "incomprehensible question" once again. I wonder what she's asking? Perhaps she wanted to know:
Do you think I'm pretty?
What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
If everyone exhaled at the exact same time, would it create a breeze?
Want to see how high I can jump?
What's up with Alice's powers?
Emmett Black didn't answer the mysterious question, because Emmett Black doesn't answer…he acts.
The vampire and the werewolf fought. But Emmett Black died. Poor, poor Emmett Black. Chief Aki, who I thought had sworn off werewolfing, became furious and transformed into an old, white werewolf and attacked the vampire.
Aki's wife saw all of this, and knew that she must create a distraction if her husband was going to have a chance at killing the vampire. She wanted to get the vampire's attention, and was willing to sacrifice herself if it meant her tribe would be safe. So Aki's wife, who apparently was also an idiot, took a knife and stabbed herself in the heart.
It worked. The hungry vampire turned towards the dying, bleeding woman, and Chief Aki took his chance and bit the vampire's neck. Of course, Aki's wife could have simply given herself a paper cut and gotten the same response from the vampire. Or, if she needed more blood, why not lop off a pinky or two? Or she could have flapped her arms and screamed, "Boogey woogey woogey."
You didn't need to stab your own heart, you dolt. How does this make sense? I will give a cyber-high-five to anyone who can explain to me the logic behind Mrs. Aki's sacrifice.
Anyway, the vampire dies, Mrs. Aki dies, the people are safe, and the widowed Chief Aki leaves the tribe because he's all sad and junk.
The younger sons of Aki became werewolves and looked after the tribe. Every once in long while a vampire would pop up, and the werewolves would attack. They learned how to fight and how to be better vampire hunters. As time passed, the werewolf gene would only be activated if a vampire was near.
And then Carlisle and his clan of fools showed up. (In my head they came to town on a goofy bicycle-built-for-six, while Emmet rode a black stallion while wearing a badass cowboy hat and carrying an ax.) Jacob's great-grandfather was the leader of the tribe at this point, and was going to kill the Cullens. But Carlisle reasoned with the werewolves and the treaty was made.
With story time over, Bella tries to make sense of everything. She thinks back to Aki's third wife, the idiot who killed herself for no reason. In Bella's mind, this human was the real hero of the story, and Bella wishes someone had remembered her name. (It's probably Helen. A lot of people were named Helen way back when.) Bella feels a real connection with this woman, because they are both dimwitted, over-passionate mortals who lack any common sense.
Bella falls asleep and wakes up in Jacob's car. This is rather odd, don't you think? Maybe the werewolf guys had some beer at the party and Bella had too much to drink, or maybe this chapter bored Bella so much that she passed out.
Jacob is a nice guy about the situation. He calls Edward to tell him that Bella is on her way home. At the edge of the werewolf territory, Edward is waiting to pick Bella up. She rushes into his arms, and he drives her home.
Bella drifts off to sleep and has another dream. I'm sure it was very symbolic and crap, but I didn't pay attention. This chapter is already too long, and I can't wait to get to Breaking Dawn. By the way, who is Dawn? Please tell me it's Edward's new nickname. I can't wait to see him breaking.
Glowers: 1 (Book total 10)
Murmurs: 2 (Book total 33)
The next day Bella and Edward talk about werewolves.
BELLA: And then Billy told us about super intelligent wind that this one dog ate, and that's how werewolves were born.
EDWARD: I hate werewolves.
BELLA: I know you do. But why?
BELLA: Because why? I understand why the werewolves hate vampires. Those evil vampires ate up most of their people. But why do vampires hate werewolves?
EDWARD: They smell bad.
BELLA: You hate them because they smell bad?
EDWARD: And sometimes they hurt girls named Emily. That ain't cool, man.
BELLA: Agreed. But that was an accident. Your race of monsters massacred the Quileute people…
EDWARD: Yeah…well…Werewolves are always like, "Blah, blah, blah…I'm so warm. I eat lots of food. I wear short pants in winter." I hate that.
BELLA: But that's hardly reason enough to despise them. I really think you're being childish.
BELLA: But you don’t have any real reason to hate werewolves.
EDWARD: Uh-huh. Werewolves once at a thousand babies.
BELLA: Edward? Are you making things up?
EDWARD: No. And this other time, I saw the werewolves peeing on poor people. It was before you came here.
BELLA: Maybe I'll just ask Carlisle about that, and see what -
EDWARD: No, you can't! Carlisle wasn't there. He was at…the market.
BELLA: Uh-huh. Then I'll ask Esme. She can tell me if—
EDWARD: But Esme wasn't there either. It was just me, and my one friend who you don't know. His name is Louis. He lives in Mexico. You can't call him because he doesn't have a phone because the werewolves stole it to buy drugs and then gave the drugs to kids to get the kids hooked on drugs.
EDWARD: Wanna smell me?
BELLA: [SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT]
Your Dan index page awaits.