How to Be the Worst Road Trip Partner Ever
Nothing is more fun in high school than hitting the open road with your besties. You're Thelma and Louise, Smokey and the Bandit, Britney and that girl from Hustle and Flow. It doesn't matter where you're going; the fun is in getting there, even if you're just driving to Walmart to pick up some paper towels for your mom.
Some people are good at riding shotgun. Others make you want to open the door while the car is still moving, jump, and roll into oncoming traffic. Here's how to be that person:
- Whenever a song comes on that the driver likes, change it to AM radio.
- Insist on listening to your assigned reading as a book on tape. Extra points if it is read by an actor or actress with a really annoying voice.
- Nap the entire way. When you wake up, wipe the drool from the side of your mouth and exclaim, "We're already there?!"
- Snack on pistachios, dropping the shells on the floor.
- Every time the driver brakes, brace yourself against the dashboard while sucking air like you're going to crash.
- Yell "shotgun!" every time you get in the car, even if there are only two of you.
- Try to read the map upside down. Insist that it makes more sense this way.
- Point out every piece of roadkill on the highway, rating it on a scale of grossness from 1 (still intact) to 10 (red paintball splatter).
- Expound on the metaphor of the road trip as an example of life being about the journey, not the destination.
- Wait until you've just passed a rest stop and then proclaim that you HAVE to pee. When you stop, claim stage fright. And repeat.
- Adjust the temperature controls every two minutes.
- Insist on getting every truck you pass to honk its horn by doing the exaggerated honking arm motion.
- Every time someone in the car says the word "turn," emit a high-pitched screeching sound.
- Fart and blame it on a paper mill.
Taken any good road trips lately?
Related post: Share Your Driving Experience