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Blogging Eclipse: Part 4

Blogging Eclipse: Part 4

Chapter Four: Nature
Better Title: (Read in sing-song manner) Bella and Jacob Sitting By the Sea….N-O-T (SPACE) K-I-S-S-I-N-G

If this book were a bowl of Lucky Charms, this chapter would be the oddly-shaped bits of cereal that no one really likes, and that only exist because people would feel too guilty eating an entire bowl of marshmallows. In other words, this chapter is boring, and taste like sugary cardboard.

Sure, Jacob pops up. But he doesn't ride a motorcycle, turn into a wolf, or summon lightening bolts from the sky. Emmett and his swords are nowhere to be seen. There is no action, of course. No one slaps Edward. No one eats Bella. And by the end of the chapter, we haven't learned much except that Bella is blinded by love, and Jacob is a bit of a racist.

The chapter starts off with Bella complaining, again. She wants to be turned into a vampire, because the evil Victoria could attack at any time. But the Cullens are keeping an eye on the situation, and tell Bella not to worry. Jasper uses his super powers to calm Bella down, but this only works when Jasper and Bella are in the same room, much like my scented candle (Christmas Cupcake), which I have now named Jasper.

When Edward and Bella are alone, he reminds her that if she accepts his marriage proposal, he will transform her into a vampire right now. But she refuses the proposal for reasons that are too baffling to think about any longer.

On the weekend, Bella encourages Edward to go hunting with his brothers. That's nice of her. Even though she forces Eddie to take a Bella-Break, she still misses him horribly when he's away. Of course, the ever-romantic Edward leaves a note on her pillow which reads:

I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart – I've left it with you.

Does Edward have a pet hamster named Heart? Please say yes.

Bella isn't too worried about Victoria attacking today, since good ol' dependable Alice hasn't had any visions of Bella being eaten alive. And because Bella didn't decide to get killed today, I guess that means she's going to live…according to Alice Cullen's magical logic.

It's too early for Bella to go into work, so she passes the time by slowly eating breakfast and fiddling with refrigerator magnets. It's strange that she spends so much time telling us how difficult it is to place two magnets side by side. I don't really understand what this is all…HOLY CRAP!

The magnets are a metaphor for Bella's relationships with monsters! This is unbelievable! Did you guys get that? This is even more mind-meltingly insightful than when Bella compared her life to "Romeo and Juliet." The magnetic poles repel each other! It's symbolic. She's trying so hard to be with something that keeps pushing her away. This is freaking poetry! I'll never look at magnets again without thinking about this perceptive, fascinating section of the book. (Can you tell I'm being facetious? No? From now on, when I'm being ironic, I'll raise my hand. I'm raising my hand.)

Of course, this wasn't Stephenie Meyer's first choice of symbols. I was lucky enough to stumble upon her first, second, and third drafts of this section:

FIRST DRAFT
While thinking about Edward, I was playing with oil and water, mixing them around in a bowl to pass the time. I tried so hard to combine the water with the oil, but it wouldn't work. I yelled at the water, "Why are you so clumsy and mortal? Why can't you be more beautiful? Why can't you be more like oil?" Then, in frustration, I poured the mixture onto the floor and mashed it into the carpet. The stain it left resembled a heart...kind of. Murmur.

SECOND DRAFT

With Edward not touching my face, I wasn't sure how to spend my time. Out of boredom, I tried to ease tension between Israel and Palestine. But as hard as I tried to make one nation fall in love with the other, it always ended in conflict. These two would never live in harmony. There was nothing I could do, and it was very frustrating. The Israeli/Palestinian conflict is a lot like loving a vampire and befriending a werewolf, I guess.

THIRD DRAFT
Edward had left to collect a bouquet of wildflowers, and as I waited for him to return, I began to goof around with some nearby sulfur and zinc powder. I tried desperately to unite the sulfur with the zinc powder, but it always resulted in a flash of fire—a fire that burned bright, but not for very long. "Too true," I murmured to myself. "Too true."

When Bella arrives at work, Mrs. Newton says that the store has been pretty slow, and Bella can go home, if she'd like. Bella reluctantly leaves work. At Mrs. Newton's request, she takes a bunch of fliers with her to toss in the garbage bin.

As she walks to the dumpster, Bella reads the flier, which shows a picture of a sad wolf, under which is written, "Save The Olympic Wolf." There are Olympic wolves?! That's awesome! I bet they're just like regular wolves, except they wake up at 4 a.m. every morning for wolf training with their strict Ukrainian coaches who encourage the wolves with broken-English shouts of, "You want to be puppy? Or you want to be wolf?!"

The fliers remind Bella that she could use her free afternoon to visit Jacob, since Edward is off killing mountain lions. Because this was a sudden decision, Alice won't have time to get a vision of Bella's future. If Bella hurries, she could be across the werewolf border and at Jake's house before Alice could even pack up the truck-destroying tools. The Cullens are so sensible. (My hand is raised.)

When Bella pulls up to Jake's house, the wonderful man-beast greets Bella with a huge smile and a surprised expression. He's so happy that she came over, that he hugs her and the two friends jump around like kids. I bet the last time Eddie showed joy by jumping was back in 1910, when he got a hoop and a stick for Christmas. Now that he's a moody old man, he shows happiness by blinking slowly. Edward is such a fun guy. (My hand is raised.)

Jacob and Bella take a walk and chit-chat about ordinary things. It's reminiscent of the last book, when things were great: Jacob was happy, Bella was having fun, Edward was away in South America, and Tiger Woods wasn't scandalous. (Zing!)

But then Bella and Jacob talk about the real issue at hand: vampires. Jacob can't understand why Bella would let Edward back in her life after Eddie broke her heart. Why would she forgive him after all those horrible months she spent in a depressed funk? But she says Edward did nothing wrong. She still thinks he's totally awesome and perfect. And she tries to defend him. I love Bella because she always makes perfect sense. (My hand is raised.)

Bella is like a kid who says Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the best movie ever. Such a kid only sees the impressive special effects of the movie, overlooking its confusing, pointless plot and god-awful dialogue and acting. The kid doesn't realize that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the worst movie ever made, just as Bella doesn't see that Edward is a manipulative jerk who is as rational as he is fun-loving.

Bella tells Jacob that Edward left because he wanted her to have a human life, a life without the threat of vampires. Jacob wants the whole story. Bella is reluctant to go into the details. Jacob mocks her by saying, "Are you not allowed to tell me?" The cocky side of Jacob infuriates Bella, but in the end, she can't resist his charm, and sits down to tell him all about Italy. Jacob asks if there's any action in the story, and Bella says, "There's some action." What a liar!

This is what happened in Italy. If you spot any action, please speak up.

1. Edward didn't die.
2. Aro talked.
3. Marcus (giggle) touched Aro's hand (giggle).
4. Aro talked again.
5. Something happened with that little vampire girl.
6. Edward talked.
7. I don't remember because it was boring.
8. Aro talked.
9. Bella, Alice, and Edward left, while the Volturi killed poor, innocent victims, one of whom may have been a sweet, quiet seamstress who came to Italy looking for her birth parents.

Perhaps Bella thinks her run through the fountain counts as "action." If that's the case, then my neighbor's kid, who spent most of the summer running through a sprinkler, is a regular Jason Bourne according to Bella. My idea of action involves explosions, throwing stars, and Emmett lighting a cigar with a machine gun, none of which happened in Italy.

Bella then explains Alice's silly vision of Bella committing suicide. Jacob is surprised to learn that A.C. can't see the future if werewolves are nearby. Bella goes on with the story, leaving out the fact that the Volturi vamps expect Bella to become a vampire sometime soon. It's a good thing she didn't mention this, because if she had, Jacob would probably laugh so hard at Volterra's gullible judicial system that he would transform into a wolf.

Now it's Jake's turn to tell Bella what happened while she was in Florida for the weekend. While chasing Victoria, Emmett, who is amazing, didn't notice or didn't care that he had entered werewolf territory until he bumped into the werewolf Paul. Paul tried to grab Emmett, but couldn't stop him because Paul isn't as terrific as Emmett. Emmett then went back to his side of the property line. A standoff of sorts took place, as the werewolves watched the vampires and vice versa.

Carlisle and Jasper showed up, and calmed everyone. Carlisle talked to Sam, and they agreed that Victoria is the real enemy. So the werewolves and the vampires went after Victoria, but by that time, she had already escaped into the ocean.

I know someone in the comments mentioned that Victoria's super power is the ability to escape, but this is crap. There is an entire pack of werewolves and a flock of vampires hunting her down, but thanks to her handy powers, she always gets away? This smells like Ms. Meyer wrote herself into a corner, and her only option was to say, "Oh, by the way, Victoria can escape really well." It's too convenient. If someone tossed a big net on Victoria, I bet we would learn that Victoria just happens to be wearing a powerful necklace that makes her invulnerable to nets.

I'm sick of Victoria. Can we please have a real villain? One with a cane? Or a snake? Or a cane that houses a hidden snake that springs out on command? Anything would be better than this silly vampire.

Jacob tells Bella that Sam is pissed at her for still dating Edward after all the pain and suffering he caused. Bella is about to mouth off to Jacob, and even use the word "hell," but Jacob cuts her off, as he points out an eagle diving for a fish over the ocean.

He says nature is taking its course, and that you'd never see a fish try to kiss an eagle. I'm not sure why he would bring this…Oh my god! It's another metaphor! Did you guys get that? The eagle is Edward and the fish is Bella! Holy crap! Holy freaking crap! My mind is blown! (And my hand is raised.)

Jacob then asks one of my burning questions: What does Bella see in Eddie? Jacob thinks she likes him for his money and his supermodel looks. And Bella quickly says, "Yes. That is why I love him." Just kidding.

She spouts off some nonsense about how she wishes Edward was ugly and poor, because then she would still love him, but she wouldn't feel as inadequate. At the risk of sounding mean, I'd bet 40 bajillion dollars that Bella would not be dating Edward if he were a fat, ugly guy. Or better yet, a 100-year-old man that looked like a 100-year-old man.

She also says Edward is "unselfish and brilliant." Unselfish? I agree with that. Brilliant? Ha! The guy has been going to high school for the past 80 years, so Bella shouldn't be impressed just because he knows algebra and the details of the Lincoln/Douglas debate. If he's so brilliant, why did he leave Bella behind to deal with hungry vampires? And why didn't he and Alice stop the assassination of JFK?

Think about it: Someone must have decided to kill the president, so Alice would have known it was going to happen. And Edward can read minds. Together they should have been able to stop it. Hell, they should be able to stop all premeditated murder, especially in their home state. But instead, they probably went to their 54th prom. Well, I hope they had a lovely time. (My hand is raised.)

Jacob still doesn't understand what she sees in Edward, and thinks Bella should be dating someone of her own species. I dig Jacob, but this comment is racist. While I think the Cullens are silly (except for Emmett), they should be free to date whomever they'd like (especially Emmett).

The Thunder then argues that he is human, even if he's a werewolf. I'm not sure I follow his logic on this one. He says it's not his fault that he is what he is. Bella argues that vampires don't choose to be monsters, either. But Jacob says werewolves are born werewolves. It's in their genes. It's natural. Vampires are created by accident.

To prove that he's human, he takes Bella's hand and places it on his chest so she can feel his heartbeat. A heartbeat means someone is human? According to Jacob's logic, that means monkeys, frogs, the Tin Man after he visited Oz, and polar bears are also human. Who knew? Then Bella and Jacob don't kiss.

This chapter was a bit of a letdown. I've read greeting cards with more plot development. I hope Emmett and the werewolves show up soon, or else I'm going to cry with frustration. (My hand is not raised.)

Glowers: 1 (Book total: 5)
Murmurs: 0 (Can you believe that?) (Book total: 13)

Prediction:
Bella returns home and finds Edward sitting alone in the dark kitchen.

EDWARD: Where were you?
BELLA: Um…at work.
EDWARD: Really?
BELLA: Yeah.
EDWARD: So you wouldn't mind if I called Mike Newton and asked him if you were at work?
BELLA: Um…Mike can't talk right now. He has a sore throa…
EDWARD: Damn it, Bella! Don't lie to me! You weren't at work! You were with…him.
BELLA: I just…
EDWARD: You just what? You could have been killed. Jacob could have turned into a werewolf and eaten you. Where are your hands?
BELLA: In my pockets.
EDWARD: Let me see them. I need to make sure he didn't eat your hands.
BELLA: I wouldn't be standing here if he ate my…
EDWARD: Silence! I see that he didn't eat your hands, but he may have given you the flu. Did he give you the flu, Bella? Don't lie to me!
BELLA: I don't think so…
EDWARD: That's just it, Bella. You never think. Now go to your room without dinner. I'll be up shortly to touch your face, and to make sure Jacob didn't eat your toes.
BELLA: Yay!

Meanwhile Jacob is hard at work writing his doctoral thesis: Pie Isn't Human Because It Doesn't Have A Heart.

You know where to find past posts: right here.

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, cartoons, blogging eclipse

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