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Blogging Eclipse: Part 3

Blogging Eclipse: Part 3

By Dan_Bergstein

Chapter Three: Motives
Better Title: Jacob Black's Guide To Gettin' It Done

Jacob "The Thunder" Black rides again! And when he makes his triumphant return, not only does he mock Edward, but he parks his motorcycle on the school's sidewalk. Why? Because this warrior plays by his own rules, makes his own roads, and answers to no one. He is….Mr. Black. [Cue the howling of a wolf on a still winter's night.]

But before Jacob tells it like it is, I have two questions. First, how do Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme pass the time during the day? Do they simply wait around for Edward to have a problem?

ROSALIE: Do you want to finish the jigsaw puzzle?
ESME: Gosh, kiddo. After yesterday, I think I'm all puzzled out.
ROSALIE: We can watch Ellen. I think Ellen is on. Want to watch Ellen?
ESME: I guess. Are there any more Chipmunk Blood Brownies?
ROSALIE: Ooh. That sounds delish!
EMMETT: Guys! Can you keep it down? I'm trying to play the guitar with a sword!
ROSALIE: Sorry, Emmett.
EDWARD: [Comes in out of breath] Everyone! I need you! Bella's accidentally sipped some coffee and now she's not sleepy. She's not sleepy at all!
CULLENS IN UNISON: Cullens Congregate!
ESME: Edward, you grab Bella and bring her here. Rose, you get a bed ready and then summon Carlisle. Emmett, you stand guard outside the house. Use two swords if you have to. I'll think up a lie that we can tell Charlie. Well? What are you waiting for! Let's move it, people!

My second question is: Why does Victoria want to kill Bella? I've asked this before, when she was stalking Bella in the last book. But it's still a head-scratcher. If memory serves, these are the events of the previous books:

1. The E-vamps (Victoria, James, and Laurent) meet the Cullens in the woods.
2. James wants to kill Bella, because Bella smells good.
4. Emmett and Jasper kill James.
5. The werewolves kill Laurent (perhaps while wearing jetpacks).
6. Edward does nothing.

Victoria should be after Emmett, Jasper, or the werewolves, right? Bella hasn't done anything wrong. And it doesn't make sense for Victoria to seek revenge on Edward. What did Edward do to her? Maybe, years ago, Edward didn't allow Victoria to go to a werewolf party, and this how Victoria is getting even.

Some might argue that Victoria is motivated by the thrill of the hunt. If that's the case, why wouldn't she hunt Emmett? That would be more thrilling. Why waste her time hunting a weak whiner who falls down if so much as a gentle breeze tickles her ankle? It would be like a bear hunter going after sleepy squirrel that just woke up. There's no fun in that.

Whatever the lousy reason, Victoria is back on the prowl, and this helps explain Edward's mean behavior in the last chapter. See folks, he wasn't being overprotective because he's a jerk. He was being overprotective because he's a liar…and a jerk. He didn't want to tell Bella what was really going on because it might scare her. So instead, he manipulated her like a smelly puppet. I hate Edward.

The chapter begins with Edward and Bella returning from Florida, where they visited Bella's mom, Renee. How Edward avoided the sun during this trip is never explained. This really bugs me, but I'm not going to complain too much because Stephenie Meyer was nice enough to skip over the entire trip. We simply get the highlights in a flashback. But even the flashbacks seem long and uninteresting. It's pointless to waste more time on this part, because Jacob is about to show up. And it's going to be awesome.

When Bella and Edward return home, Charlie is happy to see his daughter again. After some hugs and pleasantries, he tells her that Jacob has been calling all weekend, asking for her. This is strange, because Jake has been ignoring Bella since she came back from Italy. He's pissed at her. It would be like Taylor Swift calling up Kanye. (Can someone explain that last sentence to my Grandma and her friend Dolores? Thanks!)

As they're talking about this, Jacob calls again. Bella answers and the two have a very odd conversation. He asks if she's going to school tomorrow, and when she says yes, he cuts the conversation short and says goodbye.

Bella can't figure out what that meant. Why does he care if she's going to school? She jumps to the wrong conclusion, and assumes that he was checking to see if she is transformed into a vampire. A more direct way to determine if Bella was a vampire would be to offer her sweet potato fries, as only a vampire could resist sweet potato fries.

The next day, Edward and Bella arrive at school, but he asks her to stay in the car. She wants to know why, and then she sees the six-foot-seven, muscular, motorcycle-riding Jacob. He parked his bike on the sidewalk, and the appearance of this great man has drawn a crowd. She looks at her fellow classmates as they gawk at Jake, and tells us, "I realized that Jacob looked dangerous to them. How odd." Oops. Found another typo. The word "odd" should have been replaced with "awesome," "rad," or "rawesome."

Edward realizes that this meeting has nothing to do with Bella, or her forthcoming transformation. He gets out of his boring non-motorcycle, and Bella follows him to meet Jacob face to face.

Ed once again pulls Bella behind him, standing between her and Jacob. Edward tells Jacob that meeting like this is silly, because Jacob could have called Edward if he wanted to chat. But Jacob makes a joke, saying that he doesn't have any phone numbers for "leeches." Had this been a talk show filmed in front of a live studio audience, this mockery would have been followed by an excited "Oooh" sound and at least one "Mm-hmm."

When Edward asks if they can talk about this later, Jacob quips, "Sure, sure. I'll stop by your crypt after school." Again, had this been said on TV, it would be greeted by the audience saying "Oooh," followed by applause that would lead to a standing ovation.

Edward reads Jacob's mind and says, "Message delivered. Consider us warned." But Bella is still in the dark. She wants to know what this means, and Jacob is surprised to find out that Edward has been keeping secrets from Bella. Edward is caught in a lie.

I would give anything to see Edward's face during the conversation. I bet he looks scared and worried, like a kid who got busted for shoplifting one of those toy parachute men you find at crappy toy stores, and then the manager says he's going to call the kid's parents, and then the kid starts to cry and everyone looks at him, and all the kid wanted to do was tie a parachute man to a football to see what would happen when he threw it off of his garage, and now the kid is worried about going to jail and being forced to pee in front of people, and then the kid's dad says, "Dan, I'm very disappointed in you," and….um… Anyway, back to the story.

Both the werewolves and the vampires are trying to kill Victoria. But the treaty dictates that the monsters can only hunt in their respected areas. On Saturday, Emmett was chasing after Victoria and may have accidentally stepped into werewolf country, where he met the short-fused werewolf named Paul. Sadly, they did not fight.

It takes a few pages for Bella to sort this all out. Alice's vision at lunch the other day had nothing to do with Jasper. Instead, she saw Victoria coming back to Forks. But Edward didn't want to tell Bella this because he's an ass-face. So instead, he practically forced her to go to Florida. I hate Edward.

Jacob is shocked at how much Edward has kept from Bella, saying, "You don't think Bella has right to know? It's her life." And later adds, "She's tougher than you think. She's been through worse."

As things become tense between Ed and Jake, the other students look on, expecting a fight. And then the battle begins! Buckle up, readers. It's about to get explosive!

Jacob thinks back to how horrible Bella felt when Edward left her in the previous book. Edward reads this memory from Jacob's mind and becomes sad. Bella tells Jacob to stop thinking about sad things because it makes Edward sad. And he listens to her.

Um…hold on. Let me make sure I didn't miss a page of the book.

Damn. Nope. That is all that happens. Sorry. I was sure there was going to be a throw-down. You can go ahead and unbuckle.

Edward senses that the principal is coming, and warns that they should get to class. This prompts the incredible Jacob to look directly at Bella and say, "A little trouble makes life fun. Let me guess, you're not allowed to have fun, are you?"

And then Bella screams with delight and rushes into the arms of Jacob. Then they ride off into the sunset, leaving Edward behind, as he cries so hard that he gets a runny nose and his cheeks turn red. Then a really heavy bus hits him and he dies. The End.

OK. That's not what happens.

Bella defends Edward, saying Jacob is wrong. Jacob says that if she ever wants to have fun again, she can come to La Push. (Can I come too? I'll bring Simpsons Monopoly!)

But Bella doesn't know how she can be friends with him. Jacob understands and says that he'll get along without her. Of course he will. He is the thunder that needs no lightning. He is the night that needs no dawn. He is the soldier that needs no army. He is…Mr. Black. [Cue doves flying dramatically in slow motion as a mournful heavy-metal riff plays.]

Then the principal breaks up the crowd and sends everyone to class. He notices Jacob and asks if he's a new student. Jacob says he isn't. The principal scolds him, telling him to leave, and Jacob gives him a mock salute as he starts his motorcycle and rides off. I like Jacob.

The principal then turns to Edward and asks if Jacob was a friend of his. Edward says they're not friends. The principal suspects that Edward doesn't like Jacob, and because Edward is such a suck-up, goody-goody teacher's pet, the principal adds, "I see. If you're worried about any trouble, I'd be happy to…" But Edward cuts him off, probably while polishing an apple for the school secretary. I hate Edward.

Before heading into school, Eddie asks if Bella is "well enough to go to class." Again with the overprotecting nonsense? Sure, she just learned that a vampire is trying to kill her. But Victoria has been hunting Bella since the beginning of the last book. Bells has known about this for months. Why wouldn't she be able to go to class?

I wouldn't be surprised if Edward asked this of Bella before she did anything.

"Hey Lamb, are you well enough to play chess?"

"Yo Lamb, are you well enough to touch faces?"

"Lamby Lamb, are you well enough to sleep?"

"Lamb Chop, are you well enough to watch an R-rated movie?"

"Lamb-a-dam-a-ding-dong, are you well enough to have a birthday party that will end in disaster?"

"Lt. Lamb, are you well enough to eat solid food?"

"Lamb Bam Thank-You Ma'am, are you well enough to go outdoors?"

"Jean Claude Van Lamb, are you well enough to think about sad things?"

Once inside the classroom, Bella and Edward pass notes back and forth. Bella wants to know what happened in the forest over the weekend, and Edward explains how Emmett and the others were tracking Victoria, and how the werewolves were doing the same, and there was a misunderstanding about the boundaries.

Then Edward writes a note telling Bella that he would never let anything happen to her, and describes what he would do if she was in a plane crash. Though it's worded more romantically, his plan would be to save Bella, and let everyone else on the plane die. I hate Edward. Bella looks at the note, and after reading this nonsense, she looks at Edward longingly. I hate Bella.

Then Bella makes him promise that the next time her life is in mortal danger, he will tell her the truth. But I doubt he will. He is a creature of lies. He is an illogical doofus. He is a cowardly old man who hates fun. He is…Mr. Cullen. [Cue goofy bicycle horn.]

Glowers: 2 (Book total: 4)
Murmurs: 5 (Book total: 13)

Prediction:
Back at home, Bella and Edward are hanging out. Suddenly Edward notices that her house is on fire. Bella senses that something is wrong. Instead of telling her the truth, Edward lies and says, "It's just some warm, orange wind. Hey, wanna go to Disneyworld?" They then go to Disneyworld while Charlie burns to death.

Complete list of posts is here. Happy New Moon premier week!

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, cartoons, blogging eclipse

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