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Blogging Eclipse: Part 20

Blogging Eclipse: Part 20

By Dan_Bergstein

Chapter Twenty: Compromise
Better Title: Bella the Beggar

Sex. See how I wrote that word? It's an easy word to type. Sex. There, I did it again. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Heck, I can even do it with my eyes closed. Sdx. Well, you get the point. Sex is not a bad word. In fact, it's perhaps the most important word, because without sex, we wouldn't be alive. Can we all agree on this? Great.

So if sex is a nice, important word, why does Stephenie Meyer go out of her way to avoid using it? Throughout these books, she dances around the topic like a cackling schoolgirl who doesn't want to get in trouble for being naughty. If Meyer allowed herself to use the word, this chapter would be three pages long, instead of 26. And I would have finished this blog an hour ago and gone outside to sit on the porch, enjoying the beautiful weather as I tried to bend squirrels with my mind.

In this chapter, Bella keeps alluding to sex in the most roundabout ways. Sometimes I think she's going to actually say the word, but Edward usually cuts her off. It's rather funny. It's like watching a roller coaster that never quite makes it over the first hill, leaving on the ride bored, tired, and confused.

Of course, there's a chance I'm wrong, and this entire chapter isn't about sex. Maybe Bella simply wants to see Edward naked. Or maybe she just wants to wrestle or play Aggressive Twister. It's all so vague.

In case you can't tell, I didn't enjoy this chapter. Why? I'm glad you asked.

1. Emmett doesn't show up.
2. Jacob doesn't show up.
3. This chapter includes a record-breaking nine murmurs!
4. This chapter includes 67 scenes of kissing and endless talk about souls.
5. After reading Harry Potter last week, I was spoiled by good writing and interesting characters, neither of which can be found in this chapter.

That said, I can understand how some people may like this chapter. There is a lot of emotion and romance. The two lovers almost have s-e-x. And it ends with a major plot development, even if we all saw it coming a mile away. It's not the worst chapter in the book, but it's clearly not meant for me.

It's like when someone points to a bridge and tells me, "See that bridge, Dan? It's an engineering marvel!" And I look at the bridge and nod, but secretly I'm thinking about dinosaurs and time machines. I can't really appreciate the bridge. Bridges are not my cup of tea. This chapter is a lot like a dumb bridge. Sort of. Does that make sense? I like triceratopses.

If you wondering why I haven't begun to summarize the events, it's because there isn't much to summarize in this chapter. Bella and Edward chit-chat about love. Bella wants to sleep with Edward in the worst way, and thinks this is the perfect opportunity because they are all alone in the Cullen house. She rips off Edward's clothes, but he stops her. And they talk, and talk, and talk, and kiss, and kiss, and kiss.

Bella is worried that after she becomes a vamp, sex won't be the same. So she wants to give it a try before she becomes a Pretty Night Thing That Bites. They end up making a deal: Edward will have sex with Bella before she turns into a vampire, but only if Bella marries him first. So they agree to have sex, but not during this chapter. So if you're not allowed to see or read about sex scenes, go ahead and open your eyes. I'm not going to describe anything. It's safe.

WIENERS AND BOOBS!

Got ya! Haha.

The chapter ends with Edward proposing to Bella with his mother's engagement ring. That's sweet. (But Bella, wash it first. It still might have deadly flu germs.) Bella accepts, and we all say, "Awww," like the studio audience at a sitcom.

OK. The summary is out of the way. Here are ten things I don't understand about this chapter.

First, Edward is reluctant to have sex with Bella because he's worried he would kill her. How does he know this? In this chapter, he more or less confirms that he's a virgin. If he's never had sex, he has no idea how he will react. And even if vampires have crazy, wild, off-the-wall sex, I find it hard to believe that Eddie couldn't restrain himself a little bit. I really like apple pie, but when I see one, I don't grab it by the fistful and cram it into my mouth.

Second, why does Edward give in to Bella's demand? I know he should give in. (Please see above paragraph for my reasons.) But it doesn't add up. For two and half book he's been telling us he can't sleep with Bella because it's the most dangerous thing in the entire world. More dangerous than lava! But now, over the course of a few pages, he's fine with the idea. It's like when Edward suddenly allowed Bella to hang out with werewolves. He has these huge shifts in character that can only be explained with, "Well…he just changed his mind. That's all." If he really thought sex would be dangerous with a human, he should have put up a better fight.

Third, Edward says they can only have sex if they're married, because he wants to make sure Bella goes to heaven. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that Edward is right. Heaven exists and to get in you can only have sex after you're married. Cool. But what do you think good ole St. Peter is going to say to Bella when she's standing at the pearly gates?

BELLA: I want to go to heaven, Mr. Peter.
ST. PETER: It's Saint Peter, ma'am. Let me just look over your records. Hmm.
BELLA: Is there anything wrong?
ST. PETER: Well, you lied to your dad a lot. He's a cop. So that's, like, double bad. You never ever went to church. Oh, and it says here that you let thousands upon thousands of people die in Italy. You didn't even tell the police, or send the families a sympathy card?
BELLA: Yeah…um, that's because stopping the violence would have been crazy-hard. Those vampires were mean. One of them could even tell if you had a secret crush on someone else!
ST. PETER: But you were only sad about it for one afternoon.
BELLA: Yeah. I got over it rather quickly. Eh, no use crying over spilled milk. Don't hate the player. Hate the game.
ST. PETER: That doesn't make sense.
BELLA: Whatever. I didn't have sex until I was married, so let me up in your fancy cloud house.
ST. PETER: Oh? I didn't know that! Step right in and grab a harp.
BELLA: Really?
ST. PETER: No. You're going to hell. Bye.

Fourth, isn't there a war going on? Why are we wasting time at a cuddle party? Why haven't they put Bella on a plane to Antarctica where she will be far away from danger? Why is Bella still in Forks? I'll award 40 Dan Points to anyone who can answer this. No, make it 41 Dan Points. I really want to know.

Fifth, the plan to protect Charlie is void of all reason and logic. The war is about to began, and to make sure Charlie is safe, they send him to La Push, where two young werewolves are patrolling the area. Fair enough. But Bella tells us that Billy and Charlie will spend the day sea fishing. Sea fishing? That implies fishing…in the sea. If my memory is correct, vampires are even more dangerous in the ocean than on land. They're excellent swimmers. And the werewolves can't patrol the entire ocean. Plus, werewolves can't (or don't) swim very well because they always let Victoria escape into the sea. So the plan to keep Charlie protected is to put him in the one area where he is in the greatest danger? Why not dump gasoline on Charlie and light him on fire to keep him safe?

Sixth, Bella should be evacuating the town, right? She gives her concert tickets to Angela, Ben, and Mike so these guys will be safe and out of Forks during the war. Bella is glad to hear that Mike is taking Jessica with them. (Why is Bella so concerned with mean-bean Jessica?) But she makes no mention of E-rock, Conner, Tyler, that dude whose name I can't remember but it sounds like a city, or any of the adults? Sorry, guys. Guess you're all going to die. Don't hate the player. Hate the game.

Seventh, what's with all these stupid deals? First, Edward says Bella can only be turned into a vampire after she graduates. Then he says he will do the honors himself, but only if she agrees to marry him. Then Bella says she will stay behind during the war only if Edward agrees to stay behind with her. Now she says she will only marry Edward if they have sex before she's a vampire, and Edward says they can have sex but only if she marries him first. What the hell is going on? Are they lovers, or are they two kids trading lunches?

BELLA: I will marry you, but only if you give me a pudding.
EDWARD: Agreed. And we can lose our virginity tonight, but that means I get to pick what movie we're seeing this weekend. Murmur.

Eighth, Bella shouldn't beg for sex. It's weird. She sounds like a crack addict and I'm sure it's a turnoff for Eddie. From page 448:

"Please," I finally whispered hopeless. "It's all I want. Please."

And few sentences later she says "Please," three more times. Again, because Ms. Meyer isn't straightforward, I cannot say for certain that Bella is begging for sex. I've heard this exact same phrase from kids at the grocery story begging their mom or dad to buy the sugary cereal. Maybe all Bella wants is some Count Chocula.

Ninth, I hate Alice.

And finally, this may sound like your health teacher, but there are many ways a couple can express themselves physically that do not involve sex. If Bella read a few informative pamphlets, and Edward had a man-to-man talk with Carlisle, this entire chapter could have been avoided.

I'm sorry if this became gross or uncomfortable. I tried to keep things professional and family-friendly. There are a whole list of questions I have regarding vampire reproduction, but until SparkNotes launches their R-rated website, I'll just keep quiet, and giggle.

Glowers: 1 (Book total 14)
Murmurs: 9 (Book total 62)

Prediction:
On their wedding night, Edward and Bella may finally take their relationship to the next level.

BELLA: I want to have….um…
EDWARD: Ah yes. It's time for us to share a special hug.
BELLA: Oh yes! The special hug. I want to special hug you so bad.
EDWARD: Stop! I think we should wait.
BELLA: Wait for what? I graduated high school. We're married. Why should we wait?
EDWARD: I think we should wait until you watch The Sixth Sense.
BELLA: Huh?
EDWARD: Well, you haven't seen it yet. And I have.
BELLA: So?
EDWARD: There's a chance that in the throes of passion, I may lose control of my senses and accidentally blurt out the ending.
BELLA:
EDWARD: That's a risk I'm not willing to take, Lamb.
BELLA: Fine. Whatever. I'll watch your dumb movie.

LATER THAT NIGHT

BELLA: Edward, what's taking so long? I'm ready for love.
EDWARD: What's that? I couldn't hear you. I'm busy downloading The Sixth Sense over this dial-up internet connection.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: It's taking awhile. But it's already at 14%. I don't want to stop it now. I'd have to start all over again.
BELLA: Are you stalling? Are you afraid of being naked?
EDWARD: Can't hear you, Lamb. I'm downloading! This might take a couple of hours. You should probably go to bed.

TWO DAYS LATER

BELLA: Why won't you have sex with me!?
EDWARD: Bella! How dare you use that sort of language?
BELLA: I'm tired of waiting, Edward!
EDWARD: I just want to make sure everything is perfect. I may lose control during our special hug. What if I'm so overcome with lust that I frame you for a murder you didn't commit? Or what if I can't control myself, and I mistakenly sew your toes together?
BELLA: That's not going to happen. You're just making stuff up because you're scared.
EDWARD: What if, during our special hug, I suddenly gain the ability to breathe fire, and I accidentally light the bed on fire with my love breath? I better fireproof this whole room—
BELLA: I'm leaving you, Edward. You're being weird. You obviously don't want to have "special hugs" with me. I'm going to marry Jacob or Mike. Maybe even E-rock.
EDWARD: Fine. Good. Why don't you go and give special hugs to everyone, you lousy special hug addict!
BELLA: I can't believe I thought you were cool.
EDWARD: My next lullaby shall be called "Bella Will Give Anyone a Special Hug."
BELLA: Later. Loser…
EDWARD: [SINGING] Bella is a foul-mouthed woman, who smells a lot like rotting bugs. Her face is dumb, and I hate her, because she'll give anyone special hugs….

Index page? More like rainbows and LOLs page. Dan's past posts will cheer you up and cure what ails you!

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging eclipse

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