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Blogging New Moon: Part 24

Blogging New Moon: Part 24

Chapter Twenty-Four: Vote
Better Title: Some Junk Happens and Edward Says Things. Bella Says Things Too.

Would you like to know a secret? Edward and Bella are in love! Shocking, right? Who would have thought that these two would ever…Wait a moment. That's not secret at all! We knew that from the first book. So why does this chapter treat the news about their love as if it's some huge revelation? Next, Bella will stun the world with reports that Charlie enjoys fishing.

Bella and Edward are on their way to the Cullen house, where they will take a vote to see if Bella should become a vampire. (Isn't there a reality show on VHI with this same premise?) Bella rides on Edward's back. As they get closer to the house, he slows down to a walking pace, and I wonder why she's still riding him if he's just walking. Her laziness knows no bounds, and soon she will ask him to push her around in one of those off-road baby strollers, the kind with the chunky bike wheels.

As Edward walks, Bella says that she's not good enough for him. He says that's a lie. OK. I think I understand why this same topic of conversation is used again and again throughout the series. Stephenie Meyer forgot that she already wrote this part, and her editor was too shy to mention that Meyer was repeating herself. (This would also explain the overuse of the words "glower," "murmur," and "muttered.") It's like when your grandma sends your birthday card to your brother, and no one wants to bring it up because it's just too sad and awkward.

That being the case, I'm so sorry that I made fun of you, Ms. Meyer. Go ahead and rewrite this same bit of dialogue as many times as you'd like, poor thing. I'll make you some tea.

Bella asks if Eddie will return the stuff he stole from her when he wanted to erase all evidence of his existence. He says the items he took, such as the photos and the CD, are hidden in the floorboards of her house. He explains why he left them someplace where she would eventually find them, but I don't remember the reason. Let's just say he did it because of global warming. Cool?

Bella admits that she heard Edward's voice while he was away in Brazil. She tells him that his voice would manifest itself whenever she put her life in danger. He doesn't understand how that could happen, and she offers up a brilliant explanation:

She heard the voices because Edward loves her.

Huh? What? I was willing to believe that Dream Edward was caused by magic or vampire mysticism. But if the reason behind the voices was simply that Edward loves Bella, then I'm glad this silly book is ending. Maybe Stephenie Meyer will blame all of the mysteries and problems in the book on love.

Why are Alice's powers so finicky? Because Edward loves Bella.

Why is Bella immune to some vampire powers, but not others? Because Edward loves Bella.

How can vampires go to airports and travel on airplanes without sparkling in the sunlight? Because Edward loves Bella.

Why does this book feel as though it should have ended fifty pages ago? Because Edward loves Bella.

Where the hell is Jacob right now? Because Edward loves Bella.

This new declaration of love leads to kissing. Eddie and Bella then walk into the house and all of the Cullens meet in the dining room as she begins to make her case.

Her main argument is that if the Cullens refuse to transform her into a vampire, she will go to Italy and turn herself over to the Volturi, because she doesn't want them coming to Forks and causing problems for the Cullens. That's very thoughtful of her. After all, you wouldn't want the Volturi vampires to hurt someone that you know. (Unlike the poor Volturi victims you didn't know, one of whom probably made homemade applesauce with her Grammy on Thanksgiv…sorry. Moving on.)

Edward interrupts and says that the Volturi are no threat to them because (cue the heroic trumpets) he knows something they don't. The Volturi vampire named Demetri has a super powered ability to find people. Demetri would be able to track Bella, and this was why the Volturi let the Cullens go so easily. But Aro and Demetri forgot that Bella is immune to (some) vampire powers. So Demetri's tracking ability won't help him find Bella.

This leads to Edward's brilliant plan (cue louder, more heroic trumpets): Trust Alice. When Alice gets a vision that the Volturi are coming to Forks, Edward will hide Bella. Once Bella is hidden, he will take care of the Volturi if they come after him.

Yep. It's another brilliant Cullen plan. Let's break this down, shall we?

First, why would you ever put Bella's safety in the hands of an unreliable fortuneteller? I'd sooner believe in my grandpa's bum knee telling me if we're going to have a cold winter than trust Alice's visions.

Second, though I don't really understand Alice's powers, I know that to see the future, especially if it involves someone she's not close with, requires a lot of concentration. Does Edward expect Alice to live the rest of her life in a constant state of meditation, waiting for the Volturi to come to Forks? What if they decide to come while Alice is trying to solve a Sudoku puzzle or when she's watching a complicated movie like The Departed?

Third, Edward is going to hide Bella? How? Where? I assume that these powerful Volturi vampires will not simply go away after they check Bella's house.

ARO: Hey, is Bella home?
CHARLIE: No.
ARO: Very well. [To the other Volturi] Let's go back to Italy. Our work here is done.
MARCUS: Wait! I'm…sensing…something. Brad Pitt still has feelings for Jennifer Aniston!
ARO: [sigh] I'm not sitting with you on the flight back.

If Demetri can't find Bella with his mind, why wouldn't the Volturi find her in another, more conventional way, such as by kidnapping her mom, or simply asking around town?

And finally, if Edward is willing to take on all of the Volturi single-handedly, then why didn't he do it a few days ago? Why doesn't he do it right now? What is he waiting for?

Jasper and Emmett like the idea of fighting the Volturi, because they are fantastic. (Jasper is now higher than Alice on my list of favorite characters.) But the others are not so impressed with Edward's plan.

With both sides of the argument on the table, the vote is taken. Alice and Jasper think Bella should become a vampire. Edward and Rosalie say no. Esme says yes. Emmett says, "Hell, yes!" (I'm not paraphrasing.)

When Bella turns to Carlisle to get his vote, he looks to Edward and says that turning Bella into a vampire makes sense. Edward storms out and breaks something in the other room, which is a not a smart move considering that the last time Bella was at the Cullen house, a piece of paper sliced her and ruined everything. Smashing glass objects near the clumsy Bella could lead to much more dire circumstances, such as forcing the Cullens to run away for nine months, instead of just eight.

Bella looks to Alice and asks when they can begin the transformation. But Alice is having second thoughts because she's not certain that she can do this without killing Bella. Carlisle says he could do it.

Edward screams and rushes back into the room. He grabs Bella's face in a rather nasty manner. He doesn't let go as Carlisle says he'd be happy to transform Bella. She tries to thank Carlisle but it's hard to talk with Edward gripping her face. Um…Emmett, shouldn't you stop your dorky brother from abusing his girlfriend? This is not acceptable boyfriend behavior. And at the risk of beating a dead horse, Edward's reaction laughs in the face of his argument that werewolves are immature and volatile.

Edward lets her go and offers a compromise, arguing that Bella doesn't need to be transformed right away. They should wait until Bella finishes school.

Bella reluctantly accepts this idea, and Carlisle promises to do the deed after Bella graduates. With that settled, Edward carries Bella home. At her house, he asks her what she would want more than anything else in the word.

Instead of saying something logical, such as "a million-billion dollars" or "a parrot that tells dirty jokes," Bella says her only wish is to have Edward transform her instead of asking Carlisle to do the honors. He expected that answer and says he will gladly do it himself, but only if she waits five years.

She doesn't like this deal, and they negotiate for a while, but they cannot agree on the terms. He then says that he will transform her right away if she agrees to marry him.

This is a no-brainer, right? It would be like peanut butter asking jelly to marry him. (And quite frankly, PB should marry J because they're living in sin. God sees what you do between the bread, guys.) But Bella doesn't want to marry Edward. Part of the reason is that she witnessed her parents' marriage come apart, and that could turn someone off the idea of matrimony. But a more likely reason is that Stephenie Meyer wants to drag this out for two more books.

Bella refuses the offer. Edward asks if she would accept the proposal if he had a ring to give her, and for some weird reason, she starts to scream, "No! No rings!" I guess the girl doesn't like rings. And she's going to hate the Christmas present I made for her. (It's a tiny hula-hoop for your fingers.)

The noise wakes Charlie, and Edward quickly leaps out of the window before Charlie opens Bella's door to see what's going on. Charlie and Bella then have a dramatic conversation.

He's pissed off, and rightfully so. The poor guy just lost a good friend, and now his daughter is back with the creep who ruined her life. Charlie asks where she's been for the past three days, and Bella makes up some excuse about misunderstandings. She tells him Edward and the rest of the Cullens are back for good. Charlie warns Bella to stay away from them.

She threatens to move out if Charlie won't let her see Eddie. She tells her dad to "Think it over." She's acting like a brat. If she were my daughter, I would boot her out of the house right then and there (I also would have named her Optimus Prime instead of Isabella).

I miss Jacob.

Charlie leaves and Edward returns to her room. He says that if she does move out, she could probably stay with the Cullens, if she doesn't mind living with soulless monsters. Bella gets mad at Edward for thinking that vampires are soulless monsters. Edward "glowers" at her. (Come on, Ms. Meyer. You must know another word besides "glower." Did you buy too many boxes of "glower" and "murmur" at the Word Store and needed to use them up before they expired? This is getting ridiculous.)

She thinks that deep down Edward knows he has a soul. Then they kiss. And the book ends…except for a chapter-length epilogue.

Prediction:
Edward tries to make another deal with Bella. He will transform her into a vampire in exchange for $30 and two minutes of French kissing. Bella haggles him down to $15 and a pat on the butt.

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Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, cartoons, blogging new moon

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