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Blogging New Moon: Part 22

Blogging New Moon: Part 22

Chapter Twenty-Two: Flight
Better Title: It's Emmett! Emmett's Back! Hi Emmett!

That's it? Is the story over? There are only two more chapters and an epilogue left, so I'm assuming the race to save Edward was the climax of the book. And to say that I'm a little disappointed would be like saying soccer is a little tiring. I know this book is light on action, but even the last book ended with a fight—a fight we didn't get to witness, but a fight nonetheless.

If this story were a rollercoaster ride, then the werewolf scene was the big drop, and everything since then has been like the end of the ride, when you're still strapped into the car, waiting to enter the docking station so you can leave. And this chapter is like the lap bar digging into your bladder. Why? Because Edward, Alice, and the rest of the Cullens prove to be horrible, horrible people.

After hearing people being killed in the death chamber, Edward, Alice, and Bella are lead back to the office area. Demetri warns the trio to stay put until sundown. Edward notices that Bella is acting strange. The poor girl just listened to people being eaten alive, so she's shaking and going into hysterics. Bella hears a ripping sound, and at first I'm excited, hoping that she will transform into a mighty werewolf.

But the ripping sound is only her sobs. (I've never cried before, because I'm incredibly tough. But I don't think crying sounds like ripping. I'll just assume Bella is also gassy.) Edward sits Bella down and tries to help her relax. Alice offers to slap some sense into Bella, and with that, Alice is crawling up my list of favorite characters once again. Bella is annoyed at herself for crying because the tears are blurring her vision, and she wants to be able to stare at Edward as clearly as possible.

Though she's happy to be with Edward, she can't let go of the thought of those people being killed by the Volturi vampires. Edward wishes she didn't witness the horror. Notice that he doesn't wish the horror wasn't occurring, just that he's sorry Bella had to hear it. Are you beginning to see why I'm so angry with these people?

Bella's mind tries to handle the situation, but she'd much rather be staring at Edward. Even with all the death that is going on a few feet from where they are sitting, she is happy to be in his lap. Yeah, now you're starting to see why I'm peeved.

Edward says that it's OK for Bella to feel happy. After all, they didn't die. Meanwhile, innocent people are being killed as he says these reassuring words. I know that Edward and Alice are no match for the Volturi. But what kind of a hero would stand by and let these vampires feast upon poor, innocent tourists? I guarantee you that if Jacob were here, he'd wolf-out and kill as many Volturi as he could…and then jetpack away to safety before returning to finish the job.

I like the Volturi as villains. (Yes, even the silly Marcus.) But the fact that Edward doesn't give a crap about the evil things they're doing is astonishing. This is like Superman flying with Lois Lane over an earthquake and instead of helping people out, deciding it's best to not get involved and spending the time touching Lois instead.

A lot of people are dying in the very next room, while Bella and Edward are touching faces. I can't believe Edward stands by and lets this happen. Worse than that, I can't believe that the Cullens have let this happen for a century or longer.

And don't tell me that these Volturi vampires cannot be killed, because that's a lame excuse. Emmett could kill a bunch of them. And even if you couldn't kill them, you could at least warn everyone about them. Put up some flyers. Make a safety video. Anything would be better than doing nothing. The Volturi victims are probably nice people who had families and friends. Should we forget about them simply because we never got to know them?

Eddie and Belly are just happy to be in each others' arms, the selfish dips that they are. Even if Edward doesn't want to stop the killing because he's loyal to his race (which isn't much of a justification, if you ask me), then Bella sure as hell better report these Volturi vampires to the CIA, or the X-Files, or at the very least her local member of Congress. The Volturi vamps no doubt run the Italian government. But if Bella remains silent, then she is a despicable human being.

Alice takes a peek at the future, and says things are looking good for tomorrow; in twenty-four hours, she will reunite with Jasper. Meanwhile, I bet one of the victims in the death chamber had a wife and kids who will never get to see their father again. But that's OK, because Alice will get to see Jasper in twenty-four hours. Neat!

Edward and Bella stare at each other for a bit. Bella wants to know what will happen now. Will Edward leave again? Does this rescue mission change things? But she doesn't want to hear the answers. So they continue to make sexy, passionate faces at one another. Meanwhile in the death chamber, I bet a young newlywed couple is being killed. But that's fine, because Edward is so sexy-looking and kisses Bella's hair so delicately that we shouldn't think about those people.

With Bella in La-La Land thinking of Edward's perfect face, Eddie and Alice are trying to figure out the logistics of leaving Volterra. During this conversation, Alice asks what "La tua cantante" referred to. To be honest, I don't remember that phrase from the previous chapter, but I assume one of the Volturi used it while I was busy thinking of Marcus and giggling. In all seriousness, Marcus: Does Amy Adams think I'm cool? Would wearing a darker jean make Amy Adams like me more? How about a hat? Also, does my Dad like my brother more than me?

Edward says that phrase has something to do with singers. "Singers" is a goofy vampire term for a human whose blood calls out (or sings) to a vampire, just as Bella's blood calls to Edward. How romantic! Meanwhile the Volturi may have also killed a young college student who begged his parents to let him go to Italy for a semester. Now that college student is in the process of becoming vampire pee, and he will never get to know what it feels like to be old. But hey, at least Bella and Edward are soulmates, right? That's nifty!

I miss Jacob.

In the beginning of the chapter, Bella was freaked out after hearing people die. And I appreciated her humanity. But after spending some time in Eddie's lap, she doesn't seem to care as much about the innocent people that were just murdered. Maybe Jessica was right about Bella all along.

After all the excitement, Bella is getting sleepy. (Being apathetic towards innocent people dying will certainly tucker you out.) But she fights to stay awake because she doesn’t want to miss a moment with Edward. As Alice and Eddie talk, he occasionally leans down to kiss Bella's forehead and hair. You know who won't get any more forehead kisses from a loved one? The child whose parents were probably just massacred by the Volturi vampires. This poor kid will now be passed around from foster home to foster home and grow up to be an alcoholic who will never have closure on his parents' death. But you go ahead and enjoy your forehead smooches, Bella. You deserve them after all you went through.

Alec, the vampire kid, comes into the room, looking as though he's been well fed. He tells Eddie and the gang that are free to go, but they should leave Volterra as soon as possible. They leave the office/castle and walk back out into the plaza.

Alice runs off to steal another car and grab the luggage that she hid. You know who will never be able to steal another car and grab hidden luggage again? The Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a nice old lady who fed stray cats and enjoyed crossword puzzles.

They all pile in the new car and head to the airport. On the ride, Edward tells Bella she should get some sleep. But Bella refuses, because she can't miss a second of Eddie-time. Right about now, I bet the girlfriend of one of the Volturi victims is probably wondering why her boyfriend isn't answering his cell phone. Maybe Edward will be nice enough to explain to her what happened.

EDWARD: Hey, your boyfriend was eaten up by vampires.
GIRL: What!
EDWARD: Yeah. These vampires kill lots of people all the time. They've been doing it for centuries. Weird, right?
GIRL: Did you try to stop them?
EDWARD: Nope. It would be too hard. Besides, I was busy smooching.
GIRL: But you could at least alert the authorities!
EDWARD: Huh? That's stupid. You smell stupid. I'm outtie. Peace y'all!

On the plane, Bella asks the flight attendant for a soda to keep awake. But Edward doesn't want her to have soda because it will keep her awake and he's really mean. So he acts like a strict parent by simply saying her name in a condescending manner. What the hell, dude! It's soda. She's not snorting heroin. The girl just witnessed the murder of dozen or so people. If she wants a damn soda-pop, she can have a damn soda-pop. Ugh. I'm so mad right now I don't even want to make a joke here. (Oh, who am I kidding? I can't resist it.)

Q: Why did the heroic vampire cross the road?
A: To ignore the genocide that was happening on the other side.

Bella says she needs the soda to keep her awake because if she goes to sleep, she will have nightmares. Aww. Poor Bella. You know who will never have nightmares again? The Volturi victims, one of whom may have been a kindly old man who saved up his entire life to pay for a trip to Italy, only to be eaten by vampires in the room next to were Edward and Bella stared at each other affectionately.

On the plane, Bella thinks about asking Edward all of her burning questions, but she doesn’t want to ruin this time together. So they sit in silence, and touch each other's faces quite a bit. This is so weird. If ever saw two people on a plane touching faces for the entire trans-Atlantic flight, I would suspect they were on drugs.

Bella stays awake for the entire trip back to Seattle. At the airport, Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme are waiting. It's a warm homecoming with lots of hugs. Carlisle thanks Bella and then says, "We owe you."

For what? What exactly did Bella do? Aro was never going to kill Edward. Bella's involvement did nothing except make the Cullens fork over more money for airfare. Some might argue that she put a stop to Edward's death wish. But if she hadn't shown up at Volterra, Edward eventually would have learned that this whole situation was a stupid misunderstanding. And then he could have gone back to eating donkeys in Mexico, or wherever the heck he was chilling out.

By the way, do you know who will never get the chance to go to Mexico and eat donkeys? The Volturi victims, one of whom may have been a schoolteacher who wanted nothing more in life than to help others and visit Italy one day. And she probably handed out whole candy bars on Halloween.

Outside the airport, Emmett and Rosalie are waiting by the car. Emmett! Yay! Granted, I was hoping Emmett would do more in this book than just install stereos and lean against cars. But a mundane Emmett is better than no Emmett.

Edward is angry with Rosalie because he thinks she started this whole "Bella's dead" problem by telling Eddie about Alice's vision. But isn’t this really all Alice's fault? Or maybe it's Edward's fault for jumping to conclusions? Do you know who can never jump to conclusions again? The Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a doctor who spent her life curing the sick, contributing to charities, and making the world a better place.

Esme says that Edward and Bella should ride with Emmett and Rosalie, to give Rosie a chance to apologize. Edward glowers again. (I’m still trying to glower, but I keep biting my cheek. I must be doing something wrong.) They pile into the car, and Rosalie tries to apologize, but Edward is still mad. She then turns and talks to Bella for the first time in this entire series. She says how sorry she is for everything. Bella is so exhausted that she doesn't even care, just like she doesn't care about the Volturi victim who was probably going to propose to his girlfriend in Italy and together they would one day adopt several unwanted dogs from the pound.

Bella falls asleep. She wakes up when she hears Charlie's voice. Edward drove Bella home and is carrying her to her house. But Charlie is not a happy man. He hates Edward and what he put his daughter through last year. So the sight of Eddie carrying his only child does not go over well. He wants to take the groggy Bella from Edward, but Bella tries to yell at her dad. She wants her dad to be angry with her, not at Edward.

Edward says that once he gets her upstairs to her room, he will leave. Bella doesn't like the sound of that, and screams, "No." She wants Edward to stay forever and ever. But Edward whispers, "I won't be far." He then carries her into the house.

Prediction: Edward and Bella watch an entire children's hospital filled with patients burn to the ground as they lovingly stroke each other's faces. Bella then turns her head to look at the burning horror. She gets a tummy ache, and Edward says, "Don't worry about those people who are burning alive. Would you like to see me take my shirt off slowly?" Bella nods her head enthusiastically.

Missed past installments? Read them all here!

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, cartoons, blogging new moon

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