Intestinal Tattoos, Fake Diseases, and Other Unprovable Summer Activities

Hey Sparklers! It’s the first week of August, and you know what that means: only a month or so before the academic year begins anew! And today, it’s time to start checking your to-do list to make sure you’re ready to go back to school—with our help. Ready? Here goes:

Us: Pencils purchased?
You: Check.
Us: Summer reading completed?
You: Check.
Us: And what did you do over summer vacation?
You: Um… camp?
Us: Um, FAIL.

Yeah, you heard us! On the first day of school, the question on everyone’s lips is, What did you do over the summer?—but unless you’ve been recently kidnapped by pirates, chances are you’ll have the same answer as every other kid who spent June through August scooping ice cream or making lanyards at Camp Skunkyswamp. But before you start cursing the banality of your miserable existence, take heart: Your SparkNotes editors have prepared a list of ways to leave your friends amazed, perplexed, and maybe even a bit nauseated by all the amazing stuff you got up to this summer! (Remember: it’s not a lie if they can’t prove it.) So...

When they they say:
What did you do this summer?

You say:
“I learned to speak Dalmatian. Boogobi fling flang dimbocker! That means hello, of course.”

“I won Chuck Norris's pants in a game of poker… he refuses to admit defeat on principle, but I am totally wearing Chuck Norris’s pants right now.”

“See this scar? You know how I got it? I KICKED A TIGER IN THE FACE.”

“I was abducted by aliens. They were pretty nice, though, so they just dropped me off at my house after a few hours.”

“I was buried alive!” (Works best if immediately preceded by hiding in your house for three days and putting dirt under your fingernails.)

“I spent the entire month of July breeding an elite team of fighting chickens… but it turned out they weren’t very good fighters.”

“I developed a cure for Dysphoric Retarded Anxiety Syndrome With Smelly Feet.”

“I got a tattoo on my large intestine! Trust me, you don’t want to see it.”

Did YOU do anything exciting this summer? Tell us in the comments.