How To Not Be Late

Why is it that some people are always punctual, and others could not be on time even if Robert Pattinson was waiting for them with a suitcase full of a million dollars and an autographed copy of The Princess Bride signed by every member of the cast, including Andre the Giant and that guy with the lisp?

Don't get me wrong. I count myself among the latter group. I think I got a rush in high school out of seeing how close I could cut it to sign-in before being marked tardy. One of my senior quotes was from Alice in Wonderland's White Rabbit: "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date." (Dorky, I know. Thanks for pointing that out. It's not like it hasn't haunted me for the past ten years.)

To help you and myself, I've researched strategies for improving your punctuality:

• Surround yourself with clocks. We all have clocks on our cell phones now, but I am convinced the wristwatch will make a comeback. (Swatch, anyone?) In the meantime, bedeck your room, your car, and yourself in timepieces. You can never say you lost track of time again.
• Impose a punishment on yourself for every minute you are late. For example, if you're late meeting a friend for coffee, you buy. Or let your friend slap you. Less violent alternative: tickling.
• Getting lost or not knowing where you're going can mean the difference between arriving on time and arriving late. To avoid such mishaps, consider having a GPS chip implanted under your skin. You will always know your precise latitude and longitude in relation to your destination.
• Schedule your day in precise micro-time slots. Do not deviate from the schedule. Example:

7:30-7:33 Brush teeth

7:34-7:35 Brush hair

7:35-7:38 Wash face

7:38-7:39 Apply deodorant

7:40-7:45 Argue with parents over appropriateness of outfit

• Bring something to read so if you arrive early, you don't feel like you're wasting time. May we suggest SparkLife on your mobile device?
• Sometimes when you try to do too much, you have too little time to do anything right. Learn how to say no to things you really don't have the time or desire to do. (School doesn't count. Sorry.)

Learn to be on time, and the world will be a happier place.

Got any stories of the punctually challenged? Or tips for overcoming this bad habit? Do share.