They Stole Our Idea!

Have you seen these? They're called Spread Heads, and they're a silly plastic face that you place on the top of a ketchup bottle so that when you squeeze ketchup out, it looks like blood or vomit is pouring from the face. It's brilliant. And we thought of it first.

That's right: you won't believe this, but we came up with that idea years ago. OK, to be honest, our idea was a toy robot that would shoot ketchup out of his mouth. He would also be your best friend and tell you jokes when you were sad. It's slightly different than these condiment caps, but we still feel cheated.

We were six years old when we thought this up, and at the time, we had little knowledge of copyright law. But now we know better. To stop idea theft from happening again, we are listing our greatest, most terrific concepts so that we can prove we thought of them first. Geniuses of the world, hands off our bajillion dollar ideas.

Tiny capes for your wrists – Use them to make your punches and dives look super.

The encouraging ladder – Add an electronic voice box to a normal ladder, and the higher you go, the more the voice cheers you on. Why do you need such a thing? Because sometimes you clean the gutters or get a ball out of a tree all by yourself, and no one is around to tell you, "Good job. Look at you go! Wow, you're really up high, aren't you?" This little device would boost your self esteem tenfold!

Fur doorknobs – Why are we denying ourselves this basic comfort?

An inverted trampoline placed five feet above another trampoline – If you've ever thrown a super ball against the wall in a narrow hallway, you know how fun it is to see something bounce back and forth wildly. This would be the same sort of deal, only it would involve bouncing up and down instead of side to side. And you would be the super ball.

Shoes that play fast-paced, dramatic instrumental music when you run – Now you can feel like you're being chased in a movie. Or perhaps you're racing to stop the bomb from going off. And when you tiptoe, the shoes perform spy music.

A staple remover with scary eyes – These handy devices already look like monsters, so paint a few evil eyes on the side and you have the Staple Annihilator.

A bucket that looks like a basket – Though it will cost significantly more than a normal bucket, it will be well worth it to see the look on your mom's face as you pour water into what she thinks is a regular basket. She'll scream, "Heavens, no! Baskets, by design, cannot hold liquids. Why…you're some sort of wizard."

Pencil erasers with candy inside – We all make mistakes, but you'll make more mistakes if you ever want to eat the candy hidden inside the pencil's eraser. Rub the eraser down to reveal a hidden jelly bean or Tic-Tac. Think of it like a tiny, annoying, yet long-lasting piñata.

A spoon that cools soup – This refrigerated spoon will cool liquids in the time it takes to lift it from the bowl to your mouth. It may also work on coffee, hot chocolate, and most edible lavas.

Photos from the future – Go to any boardwalk or amusement park and you find a shop that will dress you up in old Wild West clothes and take your photo in a saloon setting. Old time photos are OK. But why not take a photo from the future? At our shops, we would dress you in silver jumpsuits and have you pose with aliens on a Martian landscape. Or we go a bit darker, and dress you up in rags and photograph you worshipping an oil refinery. The possibilities are endless.

Photos from the present – Same idea as above, but less dynamic. We dress you up in average clothes and take your photo against a backdrop of mini-malls. What it lacks in fun, it makes up for with originality.

Candy that looks just like a carrot – Everyone will think you're eating a real carrot, and only you (and SparkNotes) will know the truth. Mwah-ha-ha.

A flashlight that is powered by fear – Because who has time to search for D batteries when a living ventriloquist's dummy might be chuckling under your bed?

Great-tasting duct tape – Perhaps the duct tape people can team with the folks that make Fruit by the Foot to create a brand of tape that you wouldn't mind biting into.

A less arrogant calculator – Using a calculator makes us feel stupid because the tiny machine is always right, the jerk. This new calculator (or Cool-Culator as we're currently calling it) wouldn't be so precise and would get answers wrong every now and then. It would also preface each answer it displays with, "Pfff. I dunno. Maybe the answer is…." It might not help your SAT scores, but its laidback attitude means you don't mind hanging out with it on the weekend or at a party.

Wheel of Fortune branded spinning hubcaps – Make each red light, stop sign, and sudden traffic jam into a game for your fellow motorists.