This time of year is all about cookouts. But what if you're not being invited to as many of them as you'd like? Well, SparkNotes can tell you the secret of getting invited to every barbecue in town. It's really simple: Become the one thing no cookout can go without (no, not fire).
We're talking about how you can become the invaluable GrillMaster!
Here's what you'll need:
- A charcoal chimney. We were suspicious of these, too—until we tried one. They give you a consistent, even fire every time, while obviating the need to douse your charcoal in enough fossil fuels to run your car for a week. Yes, a giant conflagration can be entertaining, but so can a giant burp. Both are unbefitting a GrillMaster!
- Long-handled utensils. You need to be able to fearlessly shuffle the goods around on the grill once things get cooking, without having to worry about seasoning the burgers with singed knuckle-hair.
- A flair for flavor. Be as generous with the seasoning as you used to be with the lighter fluid. Unlike with regular cooking, in grilling, it's impossible to overdo the herbs and spices. And if you do, just flip it over. The GrillMaster meant to do that!
- Patience and timing. Any hack can take three minutes to blacken a package of chicken breasts over an open flame, but it takes a GrillMaster to keep everything moving, rotating items between the hot and cool areas until everything is evenly cooked to a mouthwatering golden brown, all the way through, all at the same time. And if anyone tries to rush you, bid them begone! You are the GrillMaster!
- Proper supplies. If you're planning to grill a lot this summer, it's probably worth investing in tools of the trade. That may even include equipping yourself with a portable charcoal grill to carry with you at all times, given the high percentage of philistines who insist on "grilling" over propane these days. Will that make you look like a tool? No more than people who show up at the bowling alley with their own ball. And unlike the ball, your grill and skills will bestow tasty benefits upon all who are present. Behold! Thou art GrillMaster!
Now that you have the necessities down, let us tell you, in order of importance, the three things that no true GrillMaster has time for:
- Gas grills. Cooking over propane is no more "barbecuing" than cooking on a stove. A true GrillMaster controls the cooking temperature with the lid vents, not temperature knobs.
- Any form of "match light" charcoal briquettes. Might as well get yourself a barbecue apron that reads "KISS THE AMATEUR."
- Mingling. If you wander away from your grill for more than five seconds, we guarantee you'll return to find everything totally charred. Even if you hadn't lit the fire yet. You'll need to draft someone to bring you ingredients, plates, and beverages while you're cooking. And don't worry too much who you'll find to help you. After all, who doesn't want to be the GrillApprentice?
Sparklers, are you grillers? Do you aspire to be?
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