Chris Listens: Brothers, Bulimia, South Africans, and Soccer

Hello again, my answer-seeking amigos. Family-related questions have been streaming in recently, and this week, brothers are the hot topic. Being a brother myself, I feel compelled to share a brother’s perspective. Maybe next time we can delve into the mysteries of sisters. In the meantime, have a fabulous Fourth of July!

So, I read a post about a girl who had an abusive bf and dad, and it reminded me of one of my friends. Her older brother used to hurt her—a lot. Like one day he'd throw her down the stairs, and another day he'd get mad and punch her. She used to come to school with bruises all the time, and was constantly telling me that her lifelong dream was to see her brother in jail. The thing is, I didn't really understand what was happening at the time, and once I realized what he was doing was abusive, my friend told me he had already stopped. Then a year later, she wouldn't eat, and didn't say why. My friends and I went on strike and refused to eat our lunches unless she ate hers, and then we'd follow her if she went to the bathroom alone. Once she lost too much weight and got sick, she admitted to me that her brother was always calling her a fat @$$, but that he had stopped. She's also given a few hints before that make me think he might have even raped her when she was in elementary school, but she hasn't said much about it, because she really loves her brother. My question is this—what do you do if a friend has had an abusive past? I mean, can you still get the abuser in legal trouble, or is all that history at some point? And what if your friend won't say it straightforwardly, like, "Yeah, he's hurt me before," or, "He slapped me yesterday, but I'm all good now." I'm really scared that if he starts again, she won't tell me. How can I be a good friend?

It sounds like your friend has been through a lot, and I'm very happy that she has you to support her. I think you are already being a good friend by standing by her, and by expressing your concern and desire to help. You should continue to be sensitive to what she says and how she acts, and if you suspect that she is being abused by her brother or anyone else, you may want to ask her about it. While she might be reluctant to reveal much about this private matter, you’ve already talked about it with her in the past, which should help. Make sure to let her know that you are not prying, and that you are concerned for her well being. While you shouldn’t force the issue, try to get as much information about the situation as possible. If your friend says that she is being abused, you should see how she feels about getting help, either through a parent, counselor, teacher, or social service resource, or via law enforcement. To be honest, I’m not sure of the legal consequences of prior abuse—but if you suspect that your friend is being abused, you can report it anonymously to the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline by calling 1.800.4.A.CHILD. However, I would probably recommend this as a last resort, and only if you are reasonably sure that she is currently being abused. If she needs help dealing with her abusive past, you can help her find a therapist or other professional to talk to. Just remember that she has to want to get help, and if she doesn't reach out, there’s not a whole lot you can do.

Okay. My older brother Brady moved out a few years ago after a big fight with my mom (he's actually my half-brother—we've got different dads, and he moved to his dad's [Rick’s] house after he left). I've never forgiven him for it, though I largely blame myself. I was a kid then, always telling on him. If I hadn't done that, he wouldn't have left. He told me that not long after he left, when he was fourteen and I was eleven. It still hurts to think about. My brother is a popular guy here in Small Town, USA. Gossip spreads about him like wildfire—I hear all the time about how he's been sleeping with some girl or another or that he's done drugs or that he's been caught stealing something or whatever the hell these idiots around here feel like making up. Maybe I shouldn't give a damn at this point since he left, but God knows I do. My brother is the world to me. And besides, even if he wasn't, he's family. I side with my family, whether they're right or wrong, and don't you dare try to tell me that I shouldn't. The people I mark as my family mean everything to me, and they've got my true loyalty, because by being my family, I've sworn it to them. If a person has no loyalty, in my book, they're not worth the time it takes to talk to them. The point is, I'm always hearing gossip and it angers me. Words don't describe it. It's so much more than anger—it's a rolling, boiling hatred for whoever is enough of an idiot to speak ill of my brother while I'm around. I'll fight for his reputation, and I'll die for him. I'll do whatever it takes to watch out for my brother and family, to make sure that no one is down-talked or treated poorly. No one spreads crap about Brady while I'm looking, because that just opens up a can of whup-ass. I adore my brother. Obviously. But he's hardly ever around, and I don't know if he even cares anymore. I need someone to care. My father doesn't—long story there, but let's just say I'd rather be Rick's daughter, and THAT, my friend, is saying something—and it seems the only person I've got is my mom (and my granny, actually). I need an older male to look to as a role model, and I look for that in Brady. I fear that I perceive him as too much of a father and too little of a brother. I need Brady to be my brother again. Screw needing a dad, I want my brother, but I can't stop longing for Brady to act more protective of me, to look out for me, to murder Parker for stroking my hair the way the git was doing. I just want Brady to step up to his big-brother role. He won't. What do I do? Help me. I don't even know what my question was going to be in the beginning, but I think I know it now: Why doesn't any male in my life give a damn? Here's hoping that you're not a cyber-stalker that now thinks I'm looking for a buddy to mess around with online.

Ah, the eternal problem of males who don’t give a damn. Perhaps I should survey my entire gender and report back to SparkNotes with the results. To be honest, I don’t know why the males in your life have so thoroughly deserted you—it’s probably lousy luck more than anything else, and, despite what your brother said after he left, it’s almost certainly nothing that you did as a kid. (He was probably just angry.) I applaud your loyalty to your family, especially to your brother, and I do think you should try to reconnect with him. Right now, all you know about him is what other people say, and I have a feeling you’d much rather know the truth for yourself. And if he is in all these troublesome situations, maybe he needs some straight talk along the lines of what you wrote to me to snap out of it. It sounds like you’re not going to rest until he’s back in your life, or until you know the truth. And who knows, he might feel the same way, but is too scared to say something. Sure, it will be painful if reconnecting doesn’t work out, but at least you’ll have some sense of closure, and not spend your days wondering. P.S. I am not a cyber-stalker.

For the past year now I've been dealing with an eating disorder. It started at the end of eighth grade, when I decided that I just needed to lose some weight. After that, I got into a routine of binging and purging at least once a week, if not more. Eating disorders run in my family. My grandma was a beauty queen and has been anorexic for a good chunk of her life; my uncle has been bulimic for at least 25 years, and my mom is constantly dieting. Even before I started binging and purging, I'd been going on crash diets all the time. Recently, I told my dad that I'd been doing this. He wants me to go tell my mom, which I really don't want to do. I think my mom would either get livid with me, or send me to rehab, neither of which I want. I realize the danger of my situation, it's just I can't stop it. I've been able to limit myself to once every two weeks, but I always end up relapsing in some way or another. I don't want to end up like my grandmother or my uncle, but I don't exactly want to stop either, which I know is pretty bad, but I don't. I know I need to, though. What should I do? Should I tell my mom? Should I just keep trying to limit myself even more? I told my dad all of this three weeks ago, and he hasn't said anything about it since, so I assume he thinks I told my mom.

I think you should tell your mom, if only because that will make it easier to get help. While she may be livid initially, she will probably also appreciate you being honest with her, and be glad that you are reaching out for help. You probably can’t remedy your eating disorder alone, so your family is an important resource, both in terms of giving you support and helping you find treatment. And if you have a family history of eating disorders, chances are your parents have some experience with which treatment methods work and which don’t. You may be able to treat an eating disorder through therapy or counseling and not require rehab, but you should do whatever gives you the best chance at a healthy lifestyle. You seem to be very rational about this difficult situation, and I think the real key here is communication. You’ve already taken a great first step by writing in to me, and I’m glad you want to get help. Good luck!

So I saw that you gave your opinions on Australians. And I was wondering: What you Americans think of us South Africans? Because apparently you guys think of us as loincloth-wearing lion-riding jungle-dwelling folk, LOL. Well, according to people from here who have been to America.

Helloooooo down there! I think there are probably fewer stereotypes about South Africans than Australians, but that’s likely because we Americans don’t know as much about your country. My knowledge of South Africans is limited to the scant reading I’ve done about Johannesburg and Cape Town, leading me to believe that the country's inhabitants are actually quite urban and sophisticated. Also, I know you have some incredible natural landscapes and some pretty intense wildlife, including my personal favorite, great white sharks. So that’s where I stand. Whaddya say, Sparklers?

I was wondering if Americans knew about the upcoming World Cup championships. Because, it seems that nobody around here takes a second look at soccer. It's all about baseball and football (which is by the way, what the rest of the world calls soccer). Do they know that the American team conquered Egypt (3-0) and Spain (2-0)? That Italy will not be participating in the World Cup because Egypt won over? Even though Italy won World Cup in '06? Seriously, everyone was shocked to know that Spain lost to America. Spain is one of the better teams. So this is epic. But do Americans know?

All I know about the 2010 World Cup is that it’s taking place in South Africa. (Hey, there’s another thing about South Africa! Awesome.) While I can’t speak for all of America, I plan to be ignorant of the tournament until about week before, then get pretty excited, then watch whatever matches are not broadcast at 2 a.m. I’ve found that most Americans don’t seem to follow soccer much, unless they are looking at David Beckham’s abs, but we generally get pumped whenever the World Cup rolls around. It’s fun to watch it with your friends. Plus, when someone scores, you can yell “Goooooooooooooaaal!” and take your shirt off and run around the room.

Hello, Chris. I am attending the same college as my brother next year. It is a fairly small campus of 1,300 students or so. My brother and I are good friends...sometimes. We fight a lot, but most of the time, it is for fun. Still, I don't know how it will be at school when we are both away from our parents and such. I went to orientation the other day and well the only people that I met there were really quiet, really annoying, or just people that I didn't want to know (i.e., a person who cusses all the time and only talks about the lame and disastrous prank that he pulled at his high school which cost several thousand dollars in repairs). So question: should I just give my brother some space and try to go on my own and dive into a college where I don't know anyone, or hang out with my brother which could be potentially fun for the both of us, or very embarrassing on his part?

Do both! In my opinion, you shouldn’t have to choose one or the other. Use the first few weeks to talk to a bunch of people and make friends with the ones who have never pulled disastrous pranks. Then, if you're feeling lonely, or if you need a familiar face, or you feel like getting into a fun fight, you can call your bro and hit the dining hall for a sibling sandwich-fest. While your brother probably does want his space, it seems like you really are friends, and friends should definitely hang out together from time to time.

[Editor’s note: Here’s an update from a previous Chris Listens post.]
So my boyfriend’s psycho ex has stopped harassing us, but other news has hit our relationship. I've discovered recently that the whole last week of school, when he told me I was the one he liked and I was the only one he wanted to be with, they were having sex. At first I was like okay, he was in no way committed to me. But then, at an event a couple weeks after school let out, me and him were way closer and it was right before he asked me to date him, I found out just a few days ago, they had sex AGAIN that night. I'm just confused on what I should do. I don't really know if I'M the one he wants... I don't know if he is really committed to me, and only me. Please Chris, I need your expertise.

Now that the psycho ex is out the picture, I think it’s time to send your boyfriend packing too. Not only is he not committed to you, he straight up cheated on you! Multiple times! My advice is to drop him like a hot potato. While he may talk a big game about how much he likes you and wants to be with you, I suspect he will only continue to cause you heartache and confusion, and you don’t deserve that.

Brothers and sisters of all nations and sporting affiliations—electronically whisper your concerns to chris@sparknotes.com.