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Blogging Twilight: Part 19

Blogging Twilight: Part 19

Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it. Need to catch up? Previous posts are here. Need to join what is possibly the best Facebook group in history? Go here.

Chapter Twenty-One

I guess Bella doesn't have to go to school any more, because it's been about fifteen months since she last attended class. She's still hiding out at a hotel in Phoenix with Jasper and Alice. She's also turning into a bit of a night owl, sleeping most of the day and waking up at two in the morning.

Bella rolls out of bed and walks to the front room, where Jasper is staring at Alice as she sketches something. I wonder if Alice sketches all of her premonitions, even the unimportant ones. Maybe she has a book filled with drawings that predict what shirt Jasper will wear tomorrow or if Bella will eat the coleslaw that came with her sandwich.

Alice had a new vision of James, the e-vamp, visiting a room that's different from the ballet studio. As Alice describes this new room, Bella recognizes the drawing. It's her mom's house! Alice rushes to the phone to tell Carlisle the new information. For some reason, no one feels the need to call Bella's mom, or perhaps the police. At the very least, they should send her mom a text that reads, "dont go home. Vamp4res. youwill die. CU L8R."

Alice tells Bella that Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward will fly down to Phoenix to take Bella someplace safe. Just when you thought their plan was convoluted enough, now they're going to take Bella from her original hiding place and put her into a new hiding place.

Bella is worried about her mother's safety. Alice and Jasper promise to protect the former Mrs. Swan, and Bella freaks out, saying that it's impossible to protect everyone. Even if they manage to keep her mom safe, James will just go after someone or something else that Bella cares about, like her friend Jessica, or Edward's cool, smelly jacket.

Alice says, "We'll catch him, Bella." And yet, they could have caught and killed James a few days ago in the baseball field. Or later that day outside Bella's dad's house. If, in the end, they just want to kill James, their whole plan makes no sense at all. I'm glad the Cullens aren't firefighters, because they would probably let a raging forest fire burn for a few weeks before deciding to put it out. I can't tell if this family is stupid, lazy, or both.

Jasper uses his emo-powers to make Bella feel tired. And she gets angry. She storms into the other room and cries for a few hours. She's excited that Edward is coming to save her, but still worried about her mom and dad. Plus, during the past 300 pages, no one has asked her out, and she's probably upset about that.

Bella hears the phone ring and heads back out into the front room. (Probably hoping it's the persistent Mike looking for a date.)

Actually, Carlisle called and told Alice that the Cullens are boarding a plane and will arrive in Phoenix at 9:45. In the morning? How can they fly on an airplane during the day without glittering? Even if it's cloudy in arid Phoenix, AZ, airplanes fly above the clouds, meaning that the vamps will be in direct sunlight, unless they cover themselves with blankets, hats, masks, and parasols. Or maybe they board the plane in suits of armor to avoid arousing suspicion. Or they are taken onboard in oversized dog carriers. Or Stephenie Meyer doesn't want us asking too many questions.

Alice tells Bella that Jasper went to check out of the hotel, because after Edward takes Bella to hiding spot number two, Alice and Jasper will go to a hotel closer to Bella's mom's house. The phone rings again, and Alice hands the phone to Bella. Bella's mom is on the other end, frantically saying, "Bella? Bella?" Then another voice breaks in. It's e-vamp James! He warns Bella not to say anything stupid. He doesn't want Alice to know who Bella is really talking to, so he makes Bella pretend that her mom is still on the phone.

As Bella complies, James says he doesn't want to hurt her mom, but will do so if Bella doesn't follow his instructions. He wants Bella to ditch her vampire friends and go to her mom's house alone. Bella says that's impossible, because the Cullens won't let her out of their sight. But then she remembers that they will be going to the airport. Perhaps she can run away from them there, and pick up a giant Toblerone candy bar as her last meal while she's at it.

She agrees. James tells her to look for a phone number he will leave at her mom's house, and call that number before noon. He doesn't want any trouble from the Cullens, and says he will hurt Bella's mom if Bella tries to do anything stupid. Suddenly, Twilight has become a bad episode of 24. (Just kidding. All episodes of 24 are bad.)

The phone call has upset Bella, and she's worried that Alice will suspect something, or that Jasper will be able to feel her panicked emotions. She tells herself that if giving up her life to James will end this madness and keep her parents and the Cullens safe, then it will be worth it. Bella thinks this is her only option. I have another option: she could dress up Eric in drag, rub her stinky blood all over him, and send him into the spooky ballet studio. Then, when James attacks Eric, Bella can drop a net on him and haul him to the vampire cops (or Vops, for short).

She tries to ignore the terror she's feeling and walks back out into the room where Alice is waiting. So far, Alice doesn't suspect that Bella plans on running away. Bella tells Alice that she wants to leave a note for her mom, and asks that Alice deliver it later. Bella sits down, but instead of writing to her mom, she writes a secret love letter to Eddie.

In the note, she apologizes for going to James and says she hopes Edward won't come after her. I imagine Edward will read the note and say to himself, "Well, Bella doesn't want me to save her. So I better just let her die. Anypoop, I wonder if tonight's Groomer Has It is a rerun..."

Prediction: On the plane to Phoenix, Carlisle must deal with an angry Emmett who whines, "Edward's hogging the Nintendo DS! It's not fair! He had, like, three turns, and he played my guy!" Carlisle attempts to calm him by saying, "Emmett, when your forbidden love is in danger, you'll get to play extra on the DS. Here, why don't we play travel Battleship? I'll even let you place your ships diagonally." Emmett dons his sailor hat and happily whips out the game.

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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