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Blogging Twilight: Part 17

Blogging Twilight: Part 17

Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it. Need to catch up? Check out parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 and 14, 15, and 16.

Chapter Nineteen
Bella, Alice, Emmett, and Edward arrive at Bella's home to begin the elaborate plot that will somehow keep her safe from the clutches of the evil James. Before heading inside, she feels a bit emotional about leaving Emmett, even though she hardly spoke to him. She will be going into hiding with Jasper and Alice, and may never see Emmett again. She can't even comprehend saying adios to Edward.

When the time finally comes for her to say goodbye, she will probably cry so hard tears will shoot out of her ears and gums. It's going to be worse then a final episode of The Real World, when everyone says they will stay in touch (but we all know they never will), while a sad, poignant pop song plays in the background. I'm not looking forward to that.

Bella tells Edward that she loves him, and he says she has nothing to worry about because everything will work out in the end. This is a change of pace from Edward's usual "You will die if you hold my hand" speeches. The plan is for Bella to tell Charlie that she's going back to Phoenix. She will gather up a few things and then leave quickly. As she's about to go inside, she tells Edward to ignore whatever she tells her dad.

She then storms into the house and tells a confused Charlie to leave her alone. She tells him that she broke up with Edward because she can't live in this small town anymore, wasting her life away like her mother did. That's a low blow, but it's a good way to get Charlie to shut up and let her go. I just hope she buys him a decent Father's Day gift to make up for this, like an iPhone, Best Buy gift card, or two iPhones.

Charlie is stunned and isn't sure what to do. Bella says she's leaving for Phoenix tonight, and will use her key to get inside her mom's house. (Her mom is still away with Phil in Florida.) Charlie says that she should stay in Forks for a week. By then, her mom might be back in Phoenix, because it turns out that Phil isn't having much luck in Florida. The news that her mom may return to Phoenix stuns Bella a bit, but she's still determined to leave the house.

She packs her stuff with Edward's help (he snuck in through the window), then leaves, telling her dad, "I really, really hate Forks!" Once in her truck, Edward offers to drive. The chauvinist doesn't like the idea of a woman driving. He gets behind the wheel and they head to the Cullen house, where I assume Carlisle and Laurent are laying belly-down on the living room floor, listening to records and prank-calling werewolves.

Edward tells her that James can outrun them in Bella's slow truck. Alice and Emmett pull up in the Jeep. Edward says everything will be fine, but she doesn't want to leave him. He tells her they will be together in a few days. Of course, if they just killed James right away, they wouldn't have this problem. But that would be too easy, too interesting, and too much fun to read about.

Bella asks why James is so hungry for her, while the other two bad vamps didn't seem so determined to kill her. Edward explains that James loves a challenge. To him, killing Bella is like a game, and the fact that she's being protected makes the game more fun to play. That's not true. Making a game more difficult does not make it more fun, as anyone who's tried to play Scrabble with only vowels and Q's can attest.

Perhaps I'm just lazy, but if I was really hungry for a pretzel, and a group of tough guys were guarding that pretzel, I'd probably just go eat some chips instead. In other words, James should go kill Jessica, or Mike, or Eric, or that other girl from earlier in the book that everyone, including me, has forgotten about. (I want to say her name was Abbey or Peaches, but that just doesn't sound right.)

Bella finally asks how to kill a vampire, and Edward says you need to rip it to shreds and then burn the remains. Which is also the only way you can kill baby elephants. Don't ask how I know this, because you won't like the answer.

Edward says that Victoria, the female baddie, will fight on James's side should it come down to a battle, but he's not sure where Laurent's loyalties lie. They arrive at the Cullen home and go inside. Laurent is there, and Edward says that James is hunting Bella. Laurent doesn't seem surprised and he apologizes for James' actions. Apparently James is a naughty boy.

We then learn that James is the leader of this group, not Laurent. They just made it seem like Laurent was in charge to trick the Cullens, and me (jerks). Edward roars, and Laurent says that he's going to stay out of this fight and head to the family of vampires in Denali. He leaves, and Esme activates steel shutters on all the windows because the Cullens are all wimps (except my boy, Emmett).

Edward says that once Bella is away, they will hunt down James. Carlisle reluctantly agrees that there is no other way. Edward tells Bella to swap clothes with Rosalie to throw James off the scent. Rosalie acts like a spoiled rich kid; she doesn't think she should have to help Bella to safety. Though it's not mentioned in the book, Rosalie then demands Carlisle gives her a pony and an Oompa Loompa for her birthday.

Esme steps in and rushes Bella upstairs to change. After a few quick alterations, Bella is wearing Esme's clothes and is ready to go. Carlisle hands out cell phones to Alice and Emse. Rosalie and Esme leave in Bella's truck, hoping to lure Victoria away. Meanwhile Bella, Jasper, and Alice will leave in the Mercedes, heading south. And Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward will go hunting after James. So instead of sticking together, and outnumbering the two bad vampires, these geniuses think it's a better idea to split up. Besides being torn to pieces and burned, vampires' only weakness is their ability to make horrible yet elaborate plans.

Before the departures, I was expecting a few dozen pages of dialogue about danger and love, but Edward says goodbye with a quick kiss. He leaves with Carlisle and Emmett. Moments later, he calls Alice's cell phone and says Victoria is following Esme, so the coast is clear to move Bella out.

Alice goes to get the Mercedes ready, leaving Bella alone with Jasper. Jasper, feeling her emotions, says she's wrong to think that she is not worth all this protection. I'm not sure what type of character Jasper is. He seems nice, but there's something weird about him, like a cousin who goes missing for a few months, and then shows up and refuses to talk about what happened.

Alice returns and asks if it's okay if she carries Bella to the car. Bella says sure, and is glad that someone asked her permission for a change. Why would Alice need to carry Bella? Did they get married when I wasn't looking?

Predictions: To make the hunt even harder, James decides to put a blindfold on, spin around a baseball bat until he becomes very dizzy, and then chase after Bella while balancing an egg on a plastic spoon.

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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