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Blogging Twilight: Part 16

Blogging Twilight: Part 16

Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it. (And by the way, it's his editor's fault that this post is late—I was having problems uploading the image. Sorry, sorry, a thousand sorries. Don't be mad at Dan.) Need to catch up? Check out parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 and 15.

A few thoughts before we begin: Thank you Amanda and everyone who joined her Facebook fanpage. You are my life now. I'm completely flattered and honored. Also, worried. What if these posts go downhill from here, and turn into lame jokes about boogers? I hope I won't let you down.

Chapter Eighteen

I wonder what vampire boogers look like. Whoops. Let's start over. The bad vampires finally emerge from the forest, interrupting the baseball game. There are three baddies, two guys and one gal. Bella says their eyes are not gold, ocher, or golden-ocher, but instead are burgundy. That means they must be evil, or in love, or high. Or maybe they just got out of a well-chlorinated swimming pool.

Bella says the bad vamps approach the Cullens in a catlike manner, which I assume means that they refuse to come when you call them, then casually walk around, stopping every few feet to bat at some ribbon before stretching in an oh-so-cute manner. They are barefoot and wearing ragged clothes, so you know they must be wild and dangerous. One of the men steps in front of the others to take a leadership role. He has dark skin and glossy black hair. The woman has wild red hair and shifty eyes. The last member of the group is smaller and pretty ordinary. If vampires get pretty after being bitten, this guy was probably ugly as a human, or maybe some sort of monkey.

The leader says they heard a baseball game and wanted to check it out. He introduces himself as Laurent. The other two are Victoria and James. Carlisle makes similar introductions, including Bella as part of his family.

Meeting a strange vampire must be nerve wracking, because you can never tell what super powers they have. Laurent might have mind reading powers, so Carlisle really shouldn't lie about Bella. Or he may be able to spot girls pretending to be vampires, or the ability to detect forbidden love. Who knows what a vampire's super-duper power might be? That's why I never lie when I first meet someone who I suspect is a vampire, nor do I think about things I want kept secret, such as my ATM pin number or what really happened in the bathroom at the mall. That way, if they can read my mind, all they will see is boring stuff like grocery lists, my Netflix queue, and images of Jenna Fischer from The Office roller-skating while dressed as Wonder Woman. Typical stuff.

Carlisle tells Laurent that the Cullens control this area of Washington, and they have a home nearby. Laurent and the other bad guys are taken aback by the idea of having a home, and want to know how a group of vampires can manage to stay in one place for so long. Carlisle invites them back to the Cullen homestead to further discuss things, and Laurent accepts. Carl also tells them not to hunt in their territory, and Laurent agrees. (Off topic: If you slightly alter the word "territory," you can spell "Terror-Tory", and that would be a fantastic name for a horror movie about real estate.) For an evil vampire, Laurent seems like a decent dude.

Then a gentle breeze sends Bella's scent toward James, who suddenly perks up and acts evil. Edward acts evil back. The two stare each other down. Carlisle quickly explains that Bella is with them, and not on the menu. Laurent is confused by vampires who hang out with humans.

Of course, no fighting takes place. Laurent reassures Carlisle that they won't hunt in the Cullens' hood, and James backs down. They head off to the Cullen's home, while Edward, Emmet, and Alice rush Bella away.

Edward throws Bella in the Jeep and all four of them speed off. Bella wants to know where they are going, and Edward says they need to get her far away from here. She freaks out and demands to be taken home. But no one listens to her. Emmet grabs her arms to secure her. They are kidnapping her for her own safety.

She screams, saying that Charlie will worry and call the FBI if she's not home tonight. Alice feels sympathy for Bella and asks Edward to pull over, but he doesn't. He explains that James is a tracker, a vampire who…tracks. Once he got a whiff of Bella, the tracker's thoughts turned towards hunting her no matter what stood in his way. So they need to hide her, and fast, before James picks up on her scent. (They should stick Bella inside a Yankee Candle Shop, because those places reek with the scent of waxy apples, waxy flowers, and waxy Home for the Holidays.)

Bella is worried about Charlie's safety, fearing that James will follow her scent to her house and then eat her dad. Alice agrees, and Edward stops the car so they can figure this out.

Emmet wants to kill James. I'm with Emmet, obviously. Emmet is so cool! I wish he and Jacob had their own book series where they did amazing things like drive tanks and fight a Tyrannosaurus Rex. But Edward thinks killing James is too risky. Besides, it goes against Carlisle's policy of eating only things that can't use tools. After more debate, Bella finally cooks up a plan.

They will take her home and let her talk to her dad. She'll tell him that she's going back to Phoenix. This way, her dad won't worry as much. If she mentions this within earshot of James, hopefully he'll leave her dad alone. Then she'll go into hiding while the Cullens settle the drama. Everybody wins.

Edward still thinks it's too dangerous, because he is a wuss. There are six good vampires, not counting Laurent, against one silly tracker. I don't understand why they don't just go after James. He can't be that tough. It's not like he's a werewolf.

Finally, Ed agrees that the plan might work. There's a few pages of debate on who will go with who, and who drives where. I didn't pay attention and hope this won't be on the test.

Bella comes home and sees her dad talking with a strange man wearing an obvious fake moustache. Her dad calls out to her, "Honey, come here. This man is selling turtlenecks door-to-door and needs to see your throat for a proper fitting." Anxious for a turtleneck, she rushes to her dad and the salesman, without realizing the salesmen is James! Her final thoughts are, "This turtleneck is going to be so banging. Edward's going to love this. Hmm, why is my neck wet…"

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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