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Blogging Twilight: Part 15

Blogging Twilight: Part 15

Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it. Need to catch up? Check out parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 and 14.

And don’t forget to join Miss Amanda’s Facebook group, Dan Bergstein’s “Blogging Twilight” is AMAZING. —SparkNotes editors

Chapter Seventeen

Edward drives Bella home. When they get there, Jacob and his dad, Billy, are waiting on the porch. I know by now not to get my hopes up for any werewolf action, but it would have been awesome if Jacob had looked at his dad, and his dad calmly and coolly said, "Let's do this." Then they could have turned into wolves, attacked Edward, strapped on jetpacks, and blasted off to have amazing adventures.

That doesn't happen. Instead, Edward gets angry and goes away in a huff, while Bella greets the Blacks and invites them in. Once inside, Billy sends Jacob out to look for something. His real motive is to talk to Bella in private. Maybe he wants to invite her to Jacob's surprise birthday party.

After some chitchat, Billy brings up the Cullens and says it's not a good idea for her to be spending so much time with them. Bella, who up until this point has been somewhat meek and whiny, now shows her feisty side, telling Billy it's none of his damn business who she hangs out with, and furthermore, she knows more about the Cullens than Billy does. I'm still not a Bella fan, but I like her response. Plus, if she gets Billy angry enough, maybe he will wolf-out and then my dreams of a werewolf jetpack adventure can be realized.

Billy doesn't turn into a wolf, but instead simply warns Bella to think about her actions. Then Jacob returns from outside, probably under the mistaken impression that his dad is planning a kick-ass surprise birthday party. Poor Jacob is going to be plenty disappointed.

The guys leave, and Bella changes out of her nice clothes and into her play clothes so she can watch the baseball game. Jessica calls and talks about the dance and how Mike kissed her. Bella doesn't really care because she's too busy thinking about vampires, werewolves, and baseball. I don't really care because I'm too busy thinking up titles for my soon-to-be-written novel about jetpacking werewolves. So far, I've got Bark of the Wind Wolves, Hounds of the Heavens, and Ralph: The Jetpacking Werewolf.

Charlie comes home and Bella finally mentions that she's going on a date with Edward. At first this ticks him off, because he thinks Bella is dating the muscular, mature Emmet Cullen. He is relieved to learn that she is instead dating the pansy, dumb-haired Edward Cullen.

Edward comes over to pick Bella up for their baseball date. Charlie invites him in, and the two exchange pleasantries. Charlie seems like a decent dad. Bella leaves with his approval.

For their date, Edward is driving Emmet's off-road Jeep. He tosses Bella into the Jeep and she figures out how to secure all the safety belts. He says it's easier to drive the Jeep to the field, but they will still have to do some hiking, which means another piggyback ride for Bella.

She's nervous, since the last time she rode on Edward's back she nearly had a heart attack. He says she will be fine as long as she closes her eyes. But she doesn't believe him. To entice her, he starts to kiss her face and neck. Finally he plants one on her lips and she acts like a porn star, kissing back passionately. He gets angry and says, "Damn it, Bella. You'll be the death of me." Despite being annoyed, he puts her on his back and takes off.

This time, she doesn't panic while riding him. Before she knows it, they arrive at the clearing in the woods where the baseball game will be played. The makeshift field is huge, much bigger than a typical ball field.

For some reason, Edward starts to laugh at Bella's expression, and this irritates her. The two have a spat, but all is forgiven. The argument ends with another speech about danger. Thunder begins to rumble, and the game gets under way. Esme watches the game with Bella and acts as umpire.

The vampire powers make for an interesting game of baseball. Along with being able to knock the ball far, they can run very fast. Imagine a regular MLB game, only it's enjoyable to watch instead of mind-numbingly painful.

While watching the game, Esme thinks that this fun moment is an appropriate time to tell Bella that she once had a baby, but it died. And the depression she felt led to her suicide attempt. Note: Never invite Esme to a party. She's kind of a downer.

The vampires play during a thunderstorm to hide the sound of the cracking bats. They should really think about investing in some Wiffle bats and balls. Better yet, play Uno instead. If a thunderstorm is necessary for them to play baseball, under what circumstances can they go bowling? Perhaps they need to bowl during a war, hurricane, or the first twenty minutes of The View (SNAP! Loud ladies of The View, you just got owned!)

After playing for a while, Edward stops by to check on Bella. She says that watching him play baseball is disappointing because it reminds her that he can do everything better than she can. What she doesn't realize is there are a few things that she can do that Edward cannot, such as give birth, sleep, die easily, and collect Hello Kitty merchandise without being looked down upon by your guy friends.

The game continues until Alice gets a special feeling. The bad vampires are nearby and are coming towards them. They are drawn to the sounds, but hopefully haven't smelled Bella yet.

Edward goes into overprotective-dad mode and sits by Bella. They don't have enough time for her to get to safety, so Carlisle recommends that they continue with the game. Emmet is anxious for a fight because he's awesome. He has become my favorite vampire of the book. (Assuming the truck is not a vampire.)

Edward advises Bella to take her hair down. I'm not sure why. Maybe evil vampires are only attracted to sexy librarians, so keeping your hair up means trouble. Or perhaps hair is the natural enemy of vampires and they can't bite through it.

With Edward at Bella's side, the other vampires continue with the game, cautiously awaiting the arrival of the mean vampires. Edward scans the tree line. Suddenly, the Cullens hear faint footsteps, and the chapter ends.

Predictions: The mean vampires arrive, see that Bella's hair is down, and run away screaming with fear. A few days later, while flying kites with Bella, Esme decides to talk about a previous abusive relationship in all its grisly detail.

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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