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Blogging Twilight: Part 14

Blogging Twilight: Part 14

Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it. Need to catch up? Check out parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, and 13.

And don't forget to join Miss Amanda's Facebook group, Dan Bergstein’s “Blogging Twilight” is AMAZING. —SparkNotes editors

Chapter Sixteen
Edward brings Bella to Carlisle's office, where there are random pictures hanging on the wall. Carlisle excuses himself and heads to the hospital. Edward tells the story of Carlisle, which is not nearly as interesting as I had hoped it would be. In fact, from now on, I'm setting my expectations very low. That way, if the entire series of books is nothing more than Bella and Edward drinking root beer and playing pinball, I won't be disappointed.

After being attacked by a vampire in the 1600s, Carlisle attempted to kill himself instead of living the rest of his life as a monster. He tried jumping off a ledge and drowning himself. He even tried to starve himself. Nothing worked. Edward says it's very difficult to kill a vampire, and starvation won't do it. He doesn't come right out and admit this, but I'm guessing the only surefire way to kill a vamp is to shove it into a black hole, and then shove that black hole into Mount Doom.

Carlisle realized that instead of killing innocent humans to regain his strength, he could drink animal blood. Then the ever-civil Carlisle turned his attention to education and spent his nights studying in London.

After that, he swam to France, for some reason. Edward says swimming is easy for vampires because they don't need to breathe air. While the ability to read minds didn't faze Bella, a vampire's disinterest in oxygen freaks her out. It's like telling someone, "Hey, I'm on fire," and she doesn't care. But then tell them, "I also have a headache," and they panic.

After swimming to France, Carlisle went to some universities, where he fell in love with medicine. He believed that by helping sick people, he could make up for some of the horrible things vampires have done. Maybe this is why Angelina Jolie adopts all those kids! It all makes sense. She must be a vampire. She has the sexy good looks, the overly dramatic attitude, and I've never seen her sleep or eat. Case closed.

Edward then points to some figures in a painting and says that Carlisle went to Italy and found  civilized vampires there. While the Italian vampires were nice and refined, they didn't see eye to eye with Carlisle on the matter of diet, so he left them and came to America. These Euro vamps are visible in the painting, and I'm willing to bet they'll pop up later in the series. Why mention them otherwise, unless Stephenie Meyer got paid by the word. (Although that would explain the chapter about Edward and Bella lounging in the meadow).

Back in the states, Carlisle tried to find someone he could transform into a vampire and keep around as a vampire-friend. He finally found a dying human, Edward, and decided to make him a vampire.

After first becoming a "Pretty Night Thing That Bites," Edward followed Carlisle's orders and only ate animals. But then Edward started to rebel, which left Carlisle in a flurry of angst. Edward thought he'd be in the clear if he only killed bad people. I agree with that, and cannot understand why these vampires don't fight crime. They could wipe out terrorism overnight by hunting bad guys, but instead they opt to go to high school and drive fast.

While away from his master, Edward killed a few people to drink their blood. Bella says that sounds "reasonable." But since Edward is a sensitive guy, he couldn't go on killing, and he returned to Carlisle.

After the history lesson, Edward shows Bella his room, which is stocked with a high-end sound system and a bunch of CDs. There's no bed in his room, because vampires don't sleep...or lie down, apparently. It's easy to see why they have so much money: they save a fortune on sheets, blankets, and pillows. And if a vampire ever asks you to help him move, do it. You won't need to move any mattresses or box springs, and the vamps can do all the heavy lifting. Plus, during lunch, they won't try to steal your fries, and they give amazing kisses.

While listening to some jazz, Edward says that he feels better after revealing his family's secrets. He is still worried that Bella will get scared, but yet again, she says she isn't afraid. Then he acts scary, in a flirty way, and pounces on her. He pins her to the coach, but they are interrupted by Alice.

Alice says a storm is heading their way, and Emmet wants to play baseball. This could be interesting. If they're not willing to save the world from child murderers, terrorists, and Dr. Octopus, at least these vampires are going to have some fun with their powers.

For some reason, the vamps can only play baseball when there is thunder. I'm guessing the loud booms will muffle the cracks of the bat. But maybe they can only play during a thunderstorm because there are fewer mosquitoes and bullies at the playground when the weather's bad.

The uncoordinated Bella nervously asks if she has to play baseball, and Edward says that she will just watch.

Prediction: It is revealed that Carlisle's rule against killing humans has less to do with his love for humanity, and more to do with his bitter hatred for animals. It turns out he was traumatized as a child during a nasty incident involving a petting zoo and a curious goat who wouldn't take no for an answer.

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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