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Blogging Twilight: Part 13

Blogging Twilight: Part 13

Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it. Need to catch up? Check out parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12.

Dan-adorers will be pleased to know that Sparkler Amanda started a Facebook group called Dan Bergstein’s “Blogging Twilight” is AMAZING. Thanks, Manders! —SparkNotes editors

A few thoughts before we begin: To those who encouraged me to stick with the book, you were right. It's getting (a little) better. The story is still slow for my taste, but at least things are heading towards a conflict.

Chapter Fifteen

Bella wakes up and Edward is in her room, like he promised. She's so excited to see him sitting in her rocking chair that she runs over and jumps into his lap.

This is gross, but I'm picturing a grandfather holding his granddaughter on his knee, and expecting Edward to say something like, "You kids today are so spoiled with your Tweeters and your MyFaces. When I was your age, all we had was a ball and world wars to keep us busy."

Edward tells Bella that her dad left, so the two of them are all alone. She asks for a "human minute," which is her cute way of excusing herself to the bathroom.

When she returns, Bella realizes that Edward is wearing different clothing than he had on last night. She gets a bit ticked off because this means Edward didn't stay with her the entire night. He says it would be scandalous if the neighbors saw him emerge from her house wearing the same clothes he wore last night. I'm thinking Ed actually left because he needed to use the restroom and only feels comfortable at home.

Edward says that while sleeping, Bella professed her love for him out loud. Having slept in the same room as a night-babbler, I know that when people talk in their sleep, their pronouncements make no sense. So I imagine Bella really said something like, "I don't want [inaudible M-sound] soup. Love Edward Cullen and ten [SNORT] dollars! Grocery?" But that wouldn't have been as romantic.

She's a bit embarrassed, but does whisper "I love you" to Edward to prove that it wasn't just a subconscious statement. He responds, "You are my life now." You might consider that a strange response, but I use the same phrasing when signing a note. For example:

We're out of tomatoes. I'm going to the store. Dishes in the washer are clean.

You are my life now,

When Edward mentions breakfast, she jokingly grabs her neck. Then she says "Watch me hunt" as she prepares a mundane breakfast. After listening to Bella whine and say over-dramatic things, it's a bit strange to see her act like a normal, friendly teenage girl. I wish this witty side came through more often, instead of the "I love you so much it hurts my soul" side.

While Bella eats, Edward stares. The guy has been alive for over a hundred years. You would think he'd know by now that gazing at someone while she eats is rude. Maybe staring was considered the proper thing to do way back when, just like keeping a straight face in photographs or oppressing minorities.

Edward suggests that she meet his family that afternoon. Bella is worried about encountering a family of vampires, although she's fretting less about being killed and more about whether the Cullens will accept her.

Edward also suggests it would be a good idea for him to meet Bella's dad formally. He asks if she will introduce him as her boyfriend, and she reflects that he's not exactly a boy. Maybe she should introduce him like this:

BELLA: Hey Charlie. This is Edward. He's my man-buddy. He watches me sleep every night. But don't worry. We can't "get busy" because Edward would kill me. So all we can do is smooch and touch our faces, which is so awesome. He eats bears. Anyway, we're off to an enchanted garden filled with rainbows and bubbles. Later.

Edward says the introduction should be made soon because Charlie will get suspicious about Edward hanging around all the time. The thought of Edward hanging around excites Bella.

She leaves him downstairs while she gets ready to meet the Cullens by putting on some casual but nice clothes. When she emerges, Edward is taken aback by her appearance, saying that she looks too tempting. There's more touching, and Edward slowly kisses Bella. Then she passes out either from all the passion, or because she just realized how utterly creepy and clingy Edward is, and now she can't end the relationship because he will kill her, so she'll have to live the rest of her life with this stalker. (Of course, she passed out from the passion and not the logic.)

The two then go to Edward's house, which is not a castle or tomb, but instead a typical if spacious home that is somewhat hidden in the forest. When they walk inside, Bella is shocked by how bright and airy the house is. Carlisle and Esme greet them. The two vampires seem excited to meet Bella, and Carlisle insists that she drop the stuffy "Dr. Cullen" and call him "Carlisle." I was hoping for a fun nickname, like "C.C." or "Carl-ifornia" or "His Royal Blondness."

Alice hops down the stairs, kisses Bella on the cheek, and mentions how lovely Bella smells. She doesn't seem too tempted by Bella, unlike Jasper, who is nice, but stays back. He uses his magical ability to alter emotions to make Bella feel comfortable.

While everyone is standing around and staring at each other, Bella notices the grand piano. You will never believe this, but Edward can play the piano beautifully. Moreover, he writes his own music and has composed a piece that was inspired by Bella.

He doesn't mention it, but I assume his song is entitled one of the following:

  • Dangerous Passion
  • Passionate Danger
  • Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap It, Slap It)
  • A Whiff of Bella In The Morning
  • Bella and The Lurker
  • If Spying on the One I Love is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right
  • Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap it, Slap it) [Club Remix feat. T-Pain]

While Edward plays his ode to Bella, the rest of his family members silently leave to give the two lovebirds some privacy. Edward reassures Bella that Carlisle and Esme like her, and so does Alice. He warned Jasper to keep his distance from her, but Jasper likes her too. Rosalie, however, is jealous that Bella is a human. In other words, Rosalie wishes she could sleep, run slowly, and be ugly. Poor Rosalie.

Emmet doesn't dislike Bella. He just thinks Edward is crazy for falling in love with a human. I'm not sure where Emmet and Rosalie were at during the meet-and-greet; possibly out killing bears, or maybe Emmet was helping Rosalie hone her super-powered ability to be stubborn, as she refused to clean up a mess she made.

Edward tells Bella that during the awkward first meeting with the Cullens, Carlisle shot Edward a mind-message that said bad guys are coming to town. Finally! These evil vampires better be badass, because I just schlepped through 329 pages without one cool vampire fight scene. I'm hoping for some vampire action soon, with swords and whips and swords with whips on the tips.

Because he's an overprotective boyfriend, Edward says he won't let Bella out of his sight as long as the evil vamps—or e-vamps, as I call them—are in town. (Actually, e-vamp sound like an iPhone application or an annoying way to invite vampires to parties.)

Edward finishes his song on a sad note, and Bella tears up. He wipes away a tear and licks it off his finger. I had a dog that used to lick tears. He also ate cold cream and plastic coat hangers. Maybe Edward does that too.

He gives Bella a quick tour of the house, showing off the bedrooms and an antique wooden cross that hangs in the hallway. The cross was carved by Carlisle's dad in the 1600s, which means Carlisle is at least 300 years old. Back then, Carlisle's dad was a monster-hunting preacher who tried to round up vampires and witches, but most of the time he just killed innocent people by mistake.

When Carlisle's pop retired, he let his son take over the vampire killing business. Carlisle found a clan of vampires hiding out and was about to slay them when one of the vamps rushed out and started to run away. But while running, the vampire got thirsty, turned around, and sank his fangs into Carlisle. An angry mob soon chased the baddie away before he could completely drain Carlisle.

Knowing that his father wouldn't approve of his son being a vampire, Carlisle hid for a few days amongst rotten potatoes as he transformed.

After the story, Edward continues the tour.

Predictions: To try and win Bella's affection, Mike takes piano lessons so that he can compose a song for her. But his song, entitled "Bella is a Pretty Girl, Pretty Girl, Pretty Girl," sounds suspiciously like "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Meanwhile, Edward writes Bella a symphony, an opera, an epic poem, and a raunchy limerick.

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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