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Blogging Twilight: Part 11

Blogging Twilight: Part 11

We're back in FULL EFFECT! Whoooooo! Let's celebrate with a new Twilight post from Dan Bergstein, shall we?

Catch up on Dan's first installments: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.

Chapter Thirteen

A better title for this chapter would have been "26 Pages of Touching." The chapter begins with Edward hanging out in the sun, which means we finally see how solar power affects the Twilight vamps: It makes them glitter. (You can't see this, but I'm rolling my eyes. Also, my socks don't match. Don't judge me.)

I wasn't sure what to expect when Ed gets hit with sunbeams, but if all that happens is that he sparkles, color me disappointed. Does sparkling serve a purpose, besides letting vampires blend in at rave parties or at Lady Gaga concerts?

Bella loves the glitter. Not to harp on the sparkle ability, but would it really turn a girl on? It seems rather feminine. Perhaps in the first draft of the story, when Edward stepped into the light, he also sprouted pigtails, hair ribbons, and those socks with the pom-poms on the ankle.

Bella describe Edward for a few paragraphs, and then the arm touching begins and Eddie likes it, a lot. He freaks out and runs away. Then walks back. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I read this part correctly. But that's what I think happens.

They talk and Edward says that he doesn't need all of his super powers. He shows off a bit by running around in a circle and breaking pieces of wood. He explains that all this power and attractiveness helps vampires hunt. Later in this chapter, he talks about hiding from the rest of the world. Why all the secrecy? Vamps are obviously superior to humans, so they shouldn't be afraid of us. In fact, they should have enslaved us by now.

Edward and Bella then talk for a long time about fear and danger and how this relationship is doomed. These kids need something else to talk about, as right now, they are the most boring couple in the history of romance. The relationship between Mike and Jessica, or between Eric and his Babylon 5 memorabilia is more interesting than this dull duo.

Edward explains that each vampire is drawn to a particular kind of scent/flavor of human, and Isabella is his favorite flavor. He likens his desire to drink her blood to a drug addict craving his vice of choice. "You're exactly my brand of heroin," he says. Because this is a romance novel, lines like that seem to work. But I bet if a normal guy said that to a normal girl, the girl (if she had any sense at all) would be put off. It's a pretty stalker-ish thing to say.

Why is Bella so irresistible to Edward? I have no idea. But since he wants her blood,
why can't he have some? A normal person can donate blood every few weeks. If Bella started now, she would have a whole cupboard filled with Eddie Treats in no time, and then the "I can't be with you. But I must be with you" nonsense could end.

Maybe he can just drink Bella's mother's blood instead. Or maybe Bella's mom and dad can get together, have another kid, and feed it to Edward. (But if they choose to do that, they shouldn't name the kid, because then they will get too attached.) I'm just throwing out ideas, because I'm sick of Edward complaining.

Edward says that his brother Jasper is new to the "don't eat humans" rule and hasn't yet figured out that some people taste better than others. His brother Emmet, however, has come across a few of his favorite flavors, and he couldn't resist killing them. So if you taste good, look out.

We now understand why Edward acted so strange on Bella's first day of school. He wanted to drink her blood very, very badly. After that day, he ditched town and went to Alaska to think things through. After some heavy ruminating and animal-blood-drinking in Alaska, he came to the conclusion that killing Bella was bad and he shouldn't eat her. That's nice of him. It's like a normal guy promising his new girlfriend that he won't text his ex-girlfriend. But as most girls know, such a promise is rarely kept. If I were Bella, I'd invest in some metal turtlenecks. (And snoop around on his cell phone when he's not looking. Am I right, ladies? Mmm-hmm.)

Edward confesses, "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." Bella responds with, "I would rather die than stay away from you." That's pretty typical first date chit-chat, no?

Then Edward compares himself to a lion falling in love with a lamb. I'm no zoologist, but I don't think lions eat a lot of sheep. A better analogy would be a lion falling in love with a slow zebra, or a lamb assassin falling in love with a lamb, or melting glacier caused by global warming falling in love with a polar bear.

Edward says one of the things that switched him into crazy mode was the odor of Bella's throat. Interesting. If vampires love necks, Danny DeVito shouldn't worry about being attacked, but giraffes have much to fear.

This conversation is followed by some neck touching, which is just as naughty as face-touching except there's less chance of boogers. The touching goes on and on. Chances are good that Bella's face will be rubbed raw by chapter's end. Explaining a chapped face to Charlie isn't going to be fun. During the touching, Ed gets his hungry eyes, and says Bella cannot begin to understand the confusion he's feeling.

For a few more paragraphs he talks about how difficult it is being close to her. Edward has turned into a big whiner. Suck it up, man. I thought vampires were supposed to be tough and scary, not wusses who run fast and sparkle.

The lovers rest in the meadow until it begins to get dark. Instead of hiking back to the car, Bella hops on Edward's back and he races through the forest. This feat of strength brings up yet another question: How does a vampire's metabolism work? Athletes need to eat tons of food to offset all the calories they burn. It stands to reason that vampires are burning an even greater number of calories as they run and lift heavy objects. Plus, they never sleep to rest their bodies, and I don't think blood has many carbohydrates, unless you make some sort of blood bread. So how can vampires possibly go for days, or longer, without drinking blood? This is confusing. Please don't tell me the answer is "magic," because if that's the case, why would they have to drink blood at all?

They finally make it back to the truck. Bella's in a state of shock after being carried through the forest at high speeds. Before leaving, they stare at each other and finally kiss. This gets Bella too excited and she can't control herself. Edward has to step back before he kills her with passion.

Between the kiss and the forest run, Bella is a bit out of sorts. In a somewhat sexist fashion, Edward asks if he can drive back. At first she won't let him, but then, because she is just too smitten, she allows him to drive. And the two head home.

Prediction: On the ride home, Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care.

Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care.

Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care.

Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care....

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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