Blogging Twilight: Part 10
SparkLife contributor Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it.
A few thoughts before we begin: Thanks for the feedback. I even enjoy hearing from the haters. To answer a frequently-asked question, yes, I plan to blog about the other books in the series as well. Heck, if there's a demand, I'll blog about eating Twilight-themed Sweetarts, sleeping on Edward Cullen pillowcases, and setting sail on the Twilight cruise. As for the story itself, maybe my own preconceived notions are to blame, but I thought that at some point in a vampire tale, there would be some blood or spookiness. Hopefully things will get better…
The chapter begins with Jacob and his dad Billy stopping by for a visit. While Billy and Bella's dad watch sports, Jacob hangs out with Bella in the kitchen, asking about the mysterious man in the car. Bella finally tells him it was Edward Cullen. Instead of acting dramatic, Jacob just laughs. He seems like a pretty down-to-earth character. His dad, however, is mildly suspicious of Bella. No one turns into a wolf, not even for a little bit.
The next morning, Edward drives Bella to school. She tells us, "I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon." Really? How about an eyeball on the end of a finger so he could look around corners without being seen? Or bigger calf muscles?
Edward continues with his boring questions about Bella's past, finding out that she didn't have any boyfriends back in Phoenix. At school, he tells her that he's going to skip class later with his sister Alice to go hunting, meaning Bella won't have a ride home from school. She says she can easily walk home, but Ed says her truck will somehow show up at the end of the day.
She wonders how he can pull this off, since the truck keys are hidden in a pair of pants under a pile in her laundry room. Even if Ed and Alice are expert cat burglars, they won't know where the key is. But she says nothing, and waits to see if Edward can really do it. Meanwhile the werewolves are probably doing ridiculously awesome things, but instead we have to read about boring Bella.
Edward explains that he needs to go hunting if they are going to spend tomorrow together. He doesn't want to get vampy on Bella during their first real date. He says that of all his siblings, Alice is the most supportive of his relationship with Bella. The other vampires are worried it will lead to trouble. They give Bella mean stares during lunch.
Alice seems fun and friendly. Thank God. If I had to deal with a female version of moody Edward, I might give up on the series. Alice and Edward are about to leave school so they can kill animals when Edward makes Bella promise that she'll be careful. He's overprotective and acts like a father, not a boyfriend. I half-expected him to remind Bella to eat vegetables, wear a sweater, and avoid using her real name in chat rooms, because that's how cyber criminals find victims.
Before leaving, he touches Bella's face.
During gym, Mike asks about Bella's plans for the weekend, and she confesses that she's not going to Seattle, but instead is just going to hang out and study. Mike, being an idiot, asks her to come to the dance. Bella, in no uncertain terms, rejects him.
At the end of school, she walks to parking lot and finds her truck, just as Edward had promised. How did it get there? Maybe he snuck into her house and found the key. Or maybe he took Bella's dad hostage and demanded to know where the keys were while Alice held a knife to Charlie's throat.
Inside the truck, Edward left a note that says, "Be safe." This is exactly the kind of note a parent would leave. Instead of being so intense all the time, he should have left something flirty and fun in the car, like a note saying:
I wrote this rap for you:
Promise not to die
And don't be a liar
I like to kill bears
'Cause I'm a vampire
I want to touch your face so hard!
Bella goes home, talks to her dad, and then takes cold medicine to help her sleep. This is not a very good message to be sending to young readers. Cold medicine is a gateway drug to heroin and hobo murder.
The next morning, Edward shows up bright and early and the two head out to a mysterious destination in Bella's truck. On the ride to mystery land, he gets very angry about the fact that she didn't let anyone know where she was going. He's scared that something bad will happen.
This is confusing. If he's worried that he's going to kill her, what difference does it make if anyone knows where she is? She'd still be dead. If Edward is concerned about being alone with Bella, she could make herself less desirable by not shaving her armpits and peeing her pants. Or she could simply talk about the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. (Guys hate that).
Edward knows how to treat a lady. Instead of making Bella watch him play Call of Duty for a few hours before going out to Burger King, he takes her hiking in a seemingly enchanted, romantic forest.
While hiking, Bella tells us once again that Edward is a godlike creature. We get it. She thinks he's hot. If you eliminated all descriptions of Edward, along with all conversations about danger and scenes of face-touching, this book would be nothing but a short paragraph or two about rain and badminton.
Finally, the two reach an area of the forest where sunlight is shining, and Edward steps into the light to show what happens when vamps catch some rays. This is set up in an exciting way, making it seem as though something wonderful, amazing, and jaw-dropping will happen. And then the chapter ends. I'm assuming that when he steps into the light, Edward's eyes will water a bit and he'll sneeze, because sometimes, that happens to me.
For their second date, Edward takes Bella to a romantic castle. For their third date, he takes her to a romantic deserted island. For their fourth date, they go to TGIFridays and he lets her order an appetizer and a dessert. For their fifth date, they go to a unicorn farm.
Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.