Preserve Your Dignity in the Face of a Teacher Crush

Super Sparkler Simbelmyne must be a mind-reader. How else would she know about the hordes of Sparklers prepping to profess their love to a teacher when that final bell rings for the year? But before you start writing that "I LOVE YOU, Mr. English Teacher" sonnet, we recommend reading the following post. —SparkNotes Editors

It's last period. You’ve pencil-chewed and clock-watched through several lifetimes worth of biology and soul-crushing calculus, and now you’re speeding towards English, dodging amorous couples and clawing your way through gaggles of impossibly sluggish freshmen.

You reach class, fall into your seat and then…

The heavens open; flocks of winged, naked, rosy-cheeked babies descend in a glorious surge of golden light, and you swear Don’t Stand So Close To Me by The Police is blasting from the PA system as he walks into the room. That’s right. It’s your English teacher, Mr. Delicious, and extracurricular activities have suddenly taken on a whole new meaning.

A teacher crush can be some pretty powerful motivation to do well in that class, and equally good fodder for the countless daydreams you’re bound to employ in order to pass the time in the other ones. But there are dangers to this forbidden love: embarrassment, mortification, unpleasantness, and bears.

Well…perhaps I was kidding about the bears. But perhaps I was not…you best err on the side of caution and read the following list of what NOT to become when Mr. Delicious is standing there in all his divine yumminess.

The Creeper: “…”
“Daniella? Can you answer the question?”
“…”
“Did you hear me?”
“…”
“Please answer the question!”
“I love you.”

There is a fine line between admiring a person and completely creeping them out with your intense, unadulterated, stalkerish longing. If you must obsess, keep it out of the classroom and IN your strange little mind. Or a candlelit basement shrine. Nobody appreciates a long, drawn-out, unblinking stare. Especially if the one doing the staring sits in the front row. And wears coke bottle glasses. And mouths “Run-away-with-me” in the process. Yikes.

The Giggler: “Heehee…hey Mr. D. . Heeheehee. Have you…heeheehee…graded our…heehee...Hamlet…HEEHEEHEE…quizzes…heehee…yet? HEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEE?” *Falls out of seat due to lack of oxygen.*

Don’t let this be you. Nothing is more confusing and potentially life-threatening than a perpetually giddy student. There’s also the chance he might think you’re on some strange medication. “Strung-out” and “Hyper-active” are not particularly romantic adjectives.

The Lady of Questionable Repute: “Why hello, Mr. Delicious. What’s this? It seems I dropped my pencil…let me just bend way over until, were I doing this on a street corner, greasy old men would be tucking dollar bills into my clothing. Ah, got it.”

Yeah…acting like this is just plain disgusting. It freaks your classmates out, and could potentially backfire.

Observe this memorable exchange:

“Bye, Amy.”

“Bye, Mr. Barcer.”

*Amy drops book.*

*Amy bends over in small denim skirt to pick up book. Slowly.*

“Amy…did you sit in ketchup at lunch today?”

Ugh. No good ever comes of it.

The Bear Baiter AKA The Deathly Honest One: “Hey Mr. Delicious! Guess what? I think you’re mind-numbingly adorable and perhaps someday we shall move to Paris and breed our own super-race of beautiful English teacher/obsessed-girl hybrids!”

“Oh no Sally, that simply will not do. I must now unleash a pack of wrathful bears on you.”

Point proved.

What are your thoughts on teacher crushes? Any funny stories? Want to give a shout out to your current educational flame? Comment away!

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