Breaking news! Teens Text, Lose Thumbs!

Guess what? You text. A lot. We know, no biggie. But apparently, your parents and other such technologically paranoid adults are overwhelmed by your texting obsession...er, habits. Teens are now averaging over 2,700 texts a month and it's freaking them out so completely that they're writing news articles about it. Yeah, we know. They should chill out. But some docs are also worried about what texting could do to your thumbs—they're talking about "musculoskeletal disorders" and "temporary or permanent damage to your thumbs." That's some serious stuff.

While we're pretty sure your stumpy fingers aren't going to crumble and fall off any time soon, we do have crazy imaginations. And if you did lose your thumbs, there are a number of important if underappreciated activities you would no longer be able to participate in. Things like:

- hitting the space bar

- hitchhiking across America

- biting your thumb at someone, a la Sampson in Act 1, Scene 1 of your fave, Romeo and Juliet.

- buttoning your pants

- turning a dial, like on a stereo (then how will you get to 11?)

- giving a goofy, double thumbs up

- doing that stupid/awesome trick your parents did at birthday parties where they made their thumb separate at the joint...you know, magically.

- dancing really awkwardly

- making that cool champagne-cork-pop noise with your cheek

- holding an umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh

- changing the channels using a remote control

- assembling a piece of office furniture from Target or Ikea (can't hold that screwdriver or L-wrench)

- shuffling a deck of cards

- playing Frisbee

- changing a lightbulb

- stealing someone's nose

- playing the harp

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Of course, the most serious consequence of an entire generation of thumbless humans: dolphins will take over the world.

All right, what wouldn't you be able to do if you didn't have thumbs?  And do you have a serious texting problem? Or do you think this is a case of "making a mountain out of a molehill"?