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Blogging Twilight: Part 9

Blogging Twilight: Part 9

SparkLife contributor Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it.

Catch up on the first installments: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

Chapter Eleven
Bella and Edward go to biology class together. She spends the entire class telling us about Edward and how sexy-fun it is to sit close to him. After class, he touches her face, which should seem erotic, but I'm picturing a 100-year-old man sensually touching a 17-year-old girl's face, which is both goofy and disgusting.

In gym class, Mike shows up again and asks Bella if she's with Edward now. Mike says, "He looks at you I like...like you're something to eat." This reinstates my point from a previous post: I've never looked romantically at a cow or stroked a cow's face just because I was hungry for a hamburger.

Bella meets up with Edward in the parking lot. He says he doesn't like Mike. This makes her mad, because it means he's reading other people's minds as a way to eavesdrop on her conversations. He apologizes.

Bella asks Edward why she can't see him hunt, and he explains that hunting is primitive, scary, and frantic. He's worried he would hurt her during the hunt, as he becomes a slave to his instincts. Again...he's dating a cheeseburger, more or less...if you think about it.

There's also a few dozen paragraphs about Edward's eyes in this chapter. Does this guy not have ears, nostrils, or lips? Why can't Bella tells us what his other features are like? For instance, "At the talk of hunting, his sideburns flexed with desire, and his nose suddenly resembled the mighty bow of an inverted ship." Better yet, "His Adam's apple is lovely."

Before Bella goes inside her house, Edward says tomorrow it's his turn to ask the questions. The next morning, Bella and her dad talk for a bit, and he leaves for work. Edward shows up to drive Bella to school. Meanwhile, Bella's truck is probably sad.

Throughout the day, Edward asks Bella all kinds of random, boring questions, such as: "What's your favorite color?", and, "What kind of flowers do you like?" Nothing interesting is revealed. If I were him, I'd ask her important questions such as, "Since I'm immortal and you're not, eventually you're going to get old and busted. When that happens, is it cool if I date another 17-year-old?"

In biology, Edward touches Bella's face again. But this time, he uses the back of his hand. In the world of face-erotica, that's like getting to second base. How scandalous.

Edward drives Bella home and the inane questions continue, as he asks what she misses most about home. While sitting in front of her house, she asks what time it is, and Edward responds, "It's twilight." If I were making the movie, I'd rearrange scenes so that this would be the last line of the film, and just as he says, "twilight," a power-pop song would blare as the credits roll. But that's just me...

Bella is worried that her dad will be home soon, and Edward suddenly gets a strange feeling. A car stops a few feet away from them. Edward gives it a mean stare, before kicking Bella out of the car and driving away. Jacob and his dad Billy are in the other car. Bella realizes that her situation is very complicated, as she is in the middle of a monster war.

Predictions: The situation is further complicated when it's revealed that Bella's father is an alien and her mom is a predator. Also, Mike is a Yankees fan and Jessica is a Red Sox fan. And Eric is made of oil, while Angela is made of water.

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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