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Blogging Twilight: Part 5

Blogging Twilight: Part 5

SparkLife contributor Dan Bergstein is reading Twilight and blogging about it.

Catch up on the first installments here.

A few thoughts before we begin:

Thank you for all the feedback. One commenter asked if I would date Bella (assuming she was real). I think the better question is: Would Bella date me? Probably not. I'm happy, not moody. I'm friendly, not cryptic. And my only superpower is the ability to sing "Row Row Row Your Boat," in a round, by myself. It won't save a life, but it usually gets a laugh. So you can stop writing Dan Marries Bella fan fiction; it's just not very realistic.

Chapter Six

Werewolves! Yay! This is the best chapter so far.

When it comes to monsters, I'd much rather hang out with werewolves than vampires. I imagine chilling with vampires means sitting on uncomfortable Victorian sofas, wearing frilly shirts and capes, holding candlesticks, and saying things like, "The hour grows late. Soon our eternal hunger will be momentarily sated as we caress the night with our presence." (Or, perhaps, "One balloon. Mwah ha ha. Two balloons. Mwah ha ha. Three balloons! Mwah ha ha…")

Whereas hanging out with werewolves, I assume, means watching TV, goofing around, and stitching clothing back together. Of course, the Twilight werewolves might turn out to be prissy puppies. And they'll almost certainly have too many superpowers, such as flight, the ability to summon dragons, and a time machine.

The chapter begins with Bella meeting up with her non-vampire friends and heading to the beach for a party. There are too many kids here to keep track of, including a boy named Ben and some other guy who's not named Ben. Lauren, who I forgot about, is mean to Bella. Perhaps she's jealous. Or perhaps Lauren is Eric in disguise.

Everyone is hanging out, having a good time. Bella goes off to check out the tide pools, and when she comes back, there are even more people at the party. The new gang is from the nearby reservation. Among them is a 15-year-old guy named Jacob Black. I'm assuming this is the same person of Team Jacob fame. If so, sign me up, because from what I've read so far, I like this kid.

The mean-spirited Lauren then asks Bella why Edward didn't come to the beach, prompting an older Native American teen to say that the Cullens aren't welcome at La Push (La Push is the name of the area. It sounds like the name of a French rapper, doesn't it? Or possibly a rugby play.) Bella's mind starts racing, and she uses her female charms to flirt with Jacob in hopes of getting some information on the No Cullen Rule.

Jacob and Bella take a walk. He explains that his people are descendants of wolves who can transform into men. The werewolves have only one enemy, "the cold ones." (This is just a creepy way of saying "vampires." People love using vampire synonyms to sound spooky. You can also use the terms Blood Drinkers, Creatures of the Night, Mosquito-Men, Vampyrs, Vamp [long pause] Pires, V@mp1r3s, and Pretty Night Things That Bite).

According to Jacob, werewolves and vampires don't get along. I wonder why these groups are always pitted against each other. A more interesting and original feud would be between vampires and were-rhinos.

I'm sure this question will get answered later in the series, but doesn't it seem unfair for the vampires to be picking on the wolves? Vampires are always powerful, but it's my understanding that werewolves are only powerful during a full moon. Is it just by coincidence that the vamps have only attacked the werewolves every 29.5305 days?

It turns out that a long time ago, some of the vampires stopped hunting humans and became more civilized. These civil vamps made a deal with the werewolves: if the vampires stayed away from the werewolf territory, the werewolves would leave them alone. Of course, the civil vamps are the Cullens. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this truce will be broken at some point in the series.

Jacob seems like a nice guy, and relates the history of werewolves and vampires with a wink, neither confirming nor denying the existence of the monsters. Bella, however, is gullible. A 15-year-old kid tells her vampires are real, and suddenly she's a believer. What little hope I had that I'd learn to like Bella just flew out the window.

Prediction: Jacob tells Bella that he once played drums with Green Day, came up with the idea for LOST, and has a long-distance relationship with a supermodel who lives in Italy. Bella believes every word.

Want more Dan on Twilight? Here you go.

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, cartoons

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