Chris Listens: Your Questions, My Answers

Hello and welcome to my new column, Chris Listens. The witty title combines my extremely common given name with the fact that I will be using this space to listen to your questions (or read them, I suppose, but “Chris Reads” doesn’t rhyme), and then respond to them. Feel free to inquire about any subject: school, parents, love, hate, basic astronomy, rock ‘n’ roll, and/or sandwiches. If the sentence exists in question format, I encourage you to submit it.

With that preamble out of the way, I’d like to take a moment to knock off some of the more obvious queries that I foresee receiving, thus saving us all a lot of time and money. Because did I mention that you’ll have to pay me five American dollars per question? JK, I’ll do it for three—excuse me—free.

I want to get an awesome tattoo this summer, but my parents won’t let me. Can you recommend a design and location that would make the tat easy to hide?

Sure. How about a squashed bug on the sole of your foot? Or try a tiny grizzly bear hibernating inside your belly button. Another good tactic is to get a wedding band inked onto your left ring finger. Your parents will totally flip out, but then be so relieved and happy to find out that it’s just a tattoo and you’re still on the market.

If you are a girl and your female and male best friends like each other but he declined when she asked him out but you feel like they are perfect for each other, what should you do?
Although I am not a girl, here’s what I would do: First, I would invite both my male and female best friends to dinner at a local fast-food restaurant. Once everyone is seated with their burgers, fries, and drinks, I would excuse myself and go to the bathroom—but I wouldn’t come back. My male and female best friends would be forced to converse for up to ten minutes, and then work together to solve the Mystery of the Disappearing Bestie (i.e., me). During this time, they will get to know each other better and cooperate exceptionally well and realize they are meant to be together forever. Then, just as they are about to live happily ever after, I would reappear and make things awkward for everyone.

Dasani or Poland Spring?
Neither—straight-up tap water is the way to go. It’s free, it tastes good if you run it through a filter, and it’s waaay better for the environment. Drinking bottled water in 2009 is a personal insult to Mother Nature, and don’t think she won’t get you back someday.

Why doesn’t Nicole Kidman respond to my emails?
A classic brain-buster. The likely answer is that Nicole Kidman is not allowed to go near a computer because of her extremely delicate skin, which would burn in the glow of even the most energy-efficient monitor. You must keep in mind that the slightest imperfection in her glass-smooth exterior would make it impossible for her to land another sweet role opposite a total hunk such as Hugh Jackman.

How do you get your hair to do that?
Good question. I get this one all the time, mostly from people who ask if I want to straighten my wig before we go out in public. The current state of my hair is the result of a rare confluence of events. The puffiness comes from the fact that it has not been cut in about six months, whereas the unevenness is caused by me performing that last trim in the bathroom mirror. In the dark. As for the one sideburn that's much thicker than the other, it’s just a miracle of science.

Your turn—send your questions to chris@sparknotes.com. I’m listenin’.